Another night of nothing

Friday morning - I'm up early as usual. It takes a lot of time these days for me to mentally prep myself for going in to work. It's really pretty hard to leave here every morning - I know how tough it is for Steph to get through a day, I know she's going stir-crazy, I know how hard it can be to care for the girls even for a couple hours before help shows up, I know it all and yet somehow I still have to just drive away to my job every morning. I feel like I'm doing a decent job of staying focused once I get to work, but getting started is becoming more and more difficult. And I also like to have things planned a week in advance anyway, but these days I just can't make myself think that far ahead, so I'm moving day to day. Which for me makes every morning a little like Monday morning.

And aside from that, I also think it's draining for the average person to spend an extended period of time in 'life-changing event mode'. I've thought for a long time that most people (self included) are not wired to be open and attuned to profound revelations or transcendent truth for our entire lives. It's a blessing most of us can only hope to experience a handful of times, and the euphoria that accompanies it isn't something we can maintain for long.

So here I am, totally preparing myself for this incredible event that is going to happen to us for the last time. I'm trying to be tuned in, I'm trying to be totally aware, so that I can take it in for what will be our final time down this road. And when the contractions started last Sunday night, we both really thought that this was it, and we were ready, we were in the right place. And now it's almost 2 weeks later and I'm desperately trying to keep myself open to the magic of it all, but the longer it goes on the harder it is to not fall back into the daily grind of work. I don't want to have this happen and have me not be able to be fully present. So the only way I can do it is to continue to think of work as the 'other' and my home life as my true reality. I said to someone the other day that right now, I feel more at home in the doctor's office and at the hospital than I do at work. So I guess I'm doing my best.

So, I continue. I find the best balance I can - being a professional and doing my best job at work, but still managing to keep my mind and soul prepared for the coming changes.

Enough blathering. Off to work I go.

Matt