Existing as a shadow

NOTE: This post is going to sound like more of a 'downer' than it's intended to. I'm trying to be more consistent in updating things here so sometimes I have to just go with what I have the most to write about.

The tough part of my job(s) now is that I officially have no peer colleagues any more. At one of my jobs, I am only there once a week - not really enough time to lay down any kind of lasting, meaningful friendships. At another job, I am only there for a half-hour, in between the school's two sessions, while the other teachers are eating lunch and socializing downstairs. At my third job, I teach after school, so as soon as I arrive, everyone else leaves. I am a wandering nomad who only sees the kids I teach and then quickly moves on to another location.

Anyone who knows me would joke that this is a dream come true for me. And I must admit that when the social opportunities were available, I didn't exactly bask in them. This is a complicated issue. Obviously there are some places where the cliques are so firmly rooted that someone with a limited social aggressiveness such as myself has no hopes of breaking down the walls...and little interest. But...there was a comfort in knowing the few people around a building that I could be myself with, that seemed to 'get it'. So, what it comes down to is that I may care a lot less about having a large cadre of friends than anyone else I know...but being completely friendless within your career is a lonely road to take.

RESTATEMENT: This sounds really self-pitying - not intended. Just sort of ruminating on how things are now - it's a new animal for me, and given recent decisions, one I am going to have to start coming to grips with for the long term.

There is also the joke I made a while back which was something to the effect of "It's hard to be antisocial when there's no one around to brush aside." Maybe there was more truth to that than I admitted.

The flipside of this is that the teaching that I'm doing is some of the purest, most unencumbered work that I've been able to do...ever. There is (as of yet) NO politics. No bureaucracy crawling down my back watching every move. No mountain of meaningless paperwork. It's me, the kids, and music.

So it's an odd situation where the actual work is the best and most fun I've been a part of for years, but it sort of exists in a vacuum. And I haven't quite figured out how to feel about that yet.

In the meantime, Steph is forging close wonderful friendships at work, and while a part of me is definitely envious of that, I am 100% thrilled and genuinely happy for her. She seems happier than she has in a long long time.

And lingering in the back of my mind is the guilty knowledge that I used to go around the house with the camcorder and that I never even pick it up any more. Let alone make videos of the family. I feel like one day it will come back to me...but I just am so far out of the habit...Sometimes I think I'll piece together the minimal amount of footage and pics from the last couple years and splice them into a single montage set to Midnight Oil's "Forgotten Years"...yeah. That'd be nice. Someday.

Things are at work in my life, and I've let go of the wheel. As Frank Orrall used to sing about, I'm just letting myself be tossed by the sea right now and as a result, things are starting to happen around me. I have no desire to lift my neck up and look where I'm going, because I aint too good at floating and I'll have a hard time getting my float zen back if I have to start treading water again. So I'm floating.

Yeah, I'd like some 'work friends' to shoot the breeze with or even just nod to in the hall...but what I got is pretty good. I got me a great family, and a lot of love. Priorities, people. I still think at the end of all this, I'm going to end up being the lucky one.

God bless,
Matt