Lyric Therapy

Steph has been harassing me to post, and I'm not entirely sure why. But here goes anyway. It's no exaggeration to say that song lyrics have literally helped me survive some trying times. Not sure what it is, but it's real. My guess is that every variation of every emotion has a certain core which is its essence. And when that essence becomes the genesis of a work of art, that art (if well executed) reflects that essence in a way that other humans are able to somehow recognize it. It's an imperfect reflection, and we are of course limited by our tastes, our experiences and our knowledge. As an example, it could very well be that some example somewhere of gangsta rap actually embodies the same emotion as the first movement of Tchaikovsky's 4th Symphony. However, the essence of the rap manifestation will be lost on me due to my differing life experience, just as Tchaikovsky is lost on someone else who has no history with orchestral music. They are different translations of the same idea, but not everyone speaks the language. It just so happens that I have a predilection for being 'grabbed' by song lyrics - and that often times a single line or series of lines within a song will just suddenly throw the universe into sharp relief for me. And I think it provides an invisible connection to the original writer, which says, "You are not alone - someone else has felt what you are feeling." And that connection is what can move mountains of depression or fight off demons in trying times. But I have a long history of looking to this art form for solace and support in my life. When the writing on the wall became clear 14 months ago, I kept Neal Morse's "Heaven in my Heart" on a pretty much endless loop to and from work for several weeks. And as things seemed to be heading towards a culminating climactic event and our moving from Cincinnati, I had a short playlist of 8 songs which took me to and from my various jobs and kept me looking towards a scary future with courage and grace. All those songs (several from Ed Kowalczyk's album) had in them this idea of a dramatic moment, a shift, a change, a...revolution if you will. A leaving behind. A moving on. These songs got me through the waiting, and as my plane flew across the country to accept what I thought was the future, I basked in them and let them wash over me, knowing that they were written for this moment. Suffice it to say, when my future turned out NOT to be what I had expected, those songs faded away, and I haven't felt any desire to listen to them. Not in a painful way, like some kind of love song associated with a person who is no longer playing that part in your life...but just because songs about big dramatic moments didn't speak to me when I was adjusting to a life without those big dramatic moments. Like gangsta rap, it didn't speak to my experience. I had lost the language. And that's okay, but it left my music listening somewhat lost. Listening to music is for me an active process, most of the time. I am trying to capture a moment, or get inside of a song. My life has turned to a gradual accepting of the present, and there just aren't a lot of really good interesting songs about that state. But recently several songs have made an impact on me, and entered an obsession level in my listening. One I discovered while doing my periodic browse through artists' websites looking for news of tours, upcoming albums, and whatnot. At Tina Dico's website I saw that she is recording a new album and blogging about the process. Now a few words about Tina Dico - I would put her in the extremely highly regarded class of songwriters such as Billy Joel, Sting at his best, Paul Simon, Roger Clyne, and Glen Phillips - those incredibly talented people who are truly able to tell stories within the limited form of a song. All these people can, with an economy of words and time, truly create a small universe in which a song lives and breathes. They create entire histories and personalities which are only hinted at by the lyrics, yet are rich and deep and fully three-dimensional. Think about some of the colorful characters described in Billy Joel's early songs, and tell me that there couldn't be entire novels or movies (and good ones) made about most of them. Tina Dico can do that too. Now, often Tina Dico's subject matter is not anything which directly relates to me, but she also has a knack for wise and simple sage advice contained in a throwaway line leading up to the chorus. (Her song "Give In" made it into heavy rotation on the above mentioned playlist for the very simple line "It's always a guess, which way's the best, Take what you find, it will be good enough...") But, there is a clip posted of one of the new songs on the forthcoming album. This song just completely clobbered me over the head, because even as I was lamenting that no songs spoke to my current situation, this one was a frighteningly accurate portrayal of what has come to be known as the "Tucson Incident". It was eerie. So here, I post for you the first of three songs which are forming the basis of a new playlist, Tina Dico's "On the Other Side"
I had a dream last night
The worst in many years
Had me biting on my pillow
Had me waking up in tears
I was knocking on a door
I’d been knocking all my life
Expecting great things on the other side 
On the other side
Expecting great things on the other side

There was a beam of light
I sensed the time was near
I was getting all excited
Saw my future bright and clear
The lock gave out a roar
And the door slid open wide
I was free to walk out on the other side
On the other side
Finally free to walk out on the other side

That’s when the dream got frightening
I was not at all prepared
For the empty hall that met me
And the truth that lived in there
The castle and the king
And the diamonds in the sky
Were nowhere to be seen on the other side
 On the other side
No, there were no lights on the other side
On the other side
Yeah, the lights were off on the other side

Now, if the dream is right
And if I’m thinking clear
I guess I should be thankful
to have woken up right here
And not half-way up a ladder
into an empty sky
Not looking for a better place to live my life
No, I think I’ll just stay and live it on this side
On this side
I’ll just stay and live my life on this side

 ____

So it began. And then another song which I had liked at a distance previously also bubbled to the top of my listening. Roine Stolt's "Remember" suddenly appeared on my iPod again, and words which had once been true but not loud in my ear suddenly had a whole new poignancy and urgency. Roine Stolt's writing, to my ears, sometimes lacks focus, and this is not always a bad thing. On the whole, the open-endedness of much of The Flower Kings' catalog is what makes it so enduring - you keep coming back thinking you can unearth why the song took such an odd left turn at that particular point (although it is also frustrating at times). Point is - on this song he is focused like a laser and it cuts right to the core of something we all feel at times - and again, for someone whose writing is usually so uplifting and optimistic, it adds an added flavor of just being on the edge of despair but being determined to not let the pace defeat you. Here then, is Roine Stolt's "Remember":
I seem to forget from time to time
There are things to remember in this life
It seems like the days are speeding by
Just won't leave me no time to look back
There was a time when I made plans
Now it's head over heels into tomorrow
I wish I could lean back on the ground
And I wish that the wheels would slow down

Lift me higher
I remember once again
Take me higher
I remember once again

I seem to forget from time to time
How this life will provide without an end
How mysteriously lives can intertwine
To cross the path of an enemy or friend
I don't need all the turbulance and hate
The perpetual ignorance and shame
I just need to revive the precious gifts
All the moments that lift me higher

Lift me higher
I remember once again
Take me higher

It's the name of the game, well I hardly remember my yesterdays
Down on memory lane all things do get blurry, still I embrace it
I get up, I get down and I stumble and fall
And I laugh and I cry and I wonder why
And the world just moves on 'till the day I'm gone
Is this it? - is this it? - is this all?

I remember once again
To remember once again
Lift me higher
To remember once again
Take me higher

 I get up, I get down and I stumble and fall
And I laugh and I cry and I wonder why
And the world just moves on 'till the day I'm gone
Is this it? - is this it? - is this all?

Try to remember the warmth of September
But all that I get is a world that gets colder
We're all getting older
Now that is a fact, that's all I regret
That's life back to back

And lastly, a song which I never would have delved into further, because the vocals are frustratingly buried in the mix, A Northern Chorus' "Remembrance Day". Despite the difficulty in picking out most of the words, this stanza is clearly audible, and sent me to the lyrics sites to discover the rest:

"As this is how we survive,
In accordance to the beauty that we find.
Don't let this fire burn out,
And don't let me forget that I'm alive..."

A Northern Chorus are a tough nut to crack. Many of their lyrics appear to be free verse poetry or even taken from essays which never should have made it into a song - I suppose they're like The Tragically Hip in that regard - maybe it's a Canadian thing. But most of their songs move at such a glacial pace that it's easy to be lulled to sleep (literally and figuratively) and not notice the fact that the lyrics are often equal parts acid and sugar. But this song is different - from their final album, where they finally turned the metronome up into the triple digits. But this song in particular has a drive and urgency unique to the catalog. It's not over-the-top, it's not dramatic...but it is quietly insistent and once it has your attention, it doesn't let go. But that stanza got me. You probably skipped over it, but go read it again. Look at the words. It's haunting. It reminded me of The Flower Kings (Roine Stolt again - see how it all fits together?) song "The Road Back Home" and the simple line "And after all, it's good to be alive..." It also reminded me of Nickel Creek's "Why Should the Fire Die?" It seemed to encapsulate what is sometimes the only solace in a tough time - being alive. So I dove in further. The first stanza, I must admit doesn't do much for me.

"Find a place in line, we're marching straight into the fire,
With our freewill manifesto on our sleeves,"

But then it gets better.

"Would you turn a blind eye to the freedom that surrounds us? Could you radiate the love that burns inside?"

I mean, I'm spending time getting obsessed with what I CAN'T do...but there is a freedom all around me - there's more that I CAN do than I CAN'T do. And this line led me to another favorite - the Levellers' song "The Boatman" and this line:

"Well I wish I could choose the life I please, but I am not a free man.
Others rule my destiny, but my will's never broken.
I hope someday I will be, everything that I dreamed I'd be,
And when I live the life I please, then I will be a free man..."

And I stopped and looked at myself - I made a choice, right? This IS the life I please. Therefore, I'm free. What would I change? Have more money? Have my job back?

(From "The Boatman" again:
"But these things they're so hard for me,
I can not choose my own destiny,
and all the things that I want to see are so unclean...")

And I suddenly realized that I've crossed that threshold where I define myself by my current experience...and this is me. And I wouldn't WANT to have lived any other life, I wouldn't WANT to go back to the way it was. This is me now, and I'm richer for the experience. And there IS a freedom that surrounds me. And it leads back to another song, "Thanksgiving" by Poi Dog Pondering:

"Would our paths cross if every great loss had turned out our gain?
 Would our paths cross if the pain it had caused us was paid in vain?"

And it leads to Glen Phillips' "Duck and "Cover":

"One day I stopped wanting anything at all,
heavens opened up like a waterfall,
no use in worryin' about when it ends,
just for now be thankful for what I get."

And later in the song,

"Won't get what you wanted, but you'll get enough for sure,"
and
"Won't get what you wanted, but what you got will be good."

So now the words are swirling around my head. Back to "Remembrance Day": I think the most powerful part of the song is that after that wonderful, inspiring plea to not "let me forget that I'm alive," the song immediately lapses back into reality with:

"Because I will, as we all do,"

What a beautiful admission of frailty. It's an impossible task to never forget the magic of being alive. And in hearing that, we are all allowed to forgive ourselves for not living up to that standard. All we can do is try. The song continues:

"We spend all our time trying to predict the next revolution, Just to miss the chance that this might be it."

How accurate an assessment of how I've spent the last year. Guessing what monumental change was coming. And yet, here I am, right where I started. I'm missing it! This might be it! The song even appropriately repeats that line - "Yeah, this might be it." And it's a double meaning - this might be "it", as in, the next revolution...or, this might be "it", as in, this might be all there is. And it's a triple meaning - because the fact that this is all there is...might be the next revolution.

"Don’t let me forget that this is not a race that we’re in. I keep getting caught up in predictions of future events."

Saying the same thing even more directly. Worrying about the future. Will I get a job? Will unemployment be extended? What good does it do? Go back to Roine Stolt above: "This life will provide without an end". What follows in "Remembrance Day" is a slowly building litany of all the ways we go wrong and fall short. And it's quietly intense, and beautifully done, especially the chiming out falsetto interjections of "Because I will..." over and over again. Again, the word that comes to mind is 'urgency' - there's an urgency to this song. And as every line goes by, I can see myself and what I have done wrong and what I need to do to change. I don't think anyone could have said this any better:

"Because I will
Get distracted by the lights,
And wake up to the darkest night.
(Because I will)
Forget everything I’ve learned,
Neglect every true concern.
(Because I will)
Keep you at an arms length,
Laugh off every compliment.
(Because I will)
Dismiss all the mystery,
And disregard my history.
(Because I will)
Take back every word I said,
Evacuate my tired head,
 (Because I will)
Misjudge all my distances,
And take the path of least resistance,
(Because I will)
Break my silence just to say
that this is not some kind of race,
I know that you would do the same"


I feel drained by the time this thing is over and the song closes with a quiet restatement of the lines which hooked me in the first place: "As this is how we survive, In accordance to the beauty that we find. Don't let this fire burn out, And don't let me forget that I'm alive..." I could go on forever on this and the connections. It's a beautiful thing, and I think we are here to find beauty. We lose it in the crush of 'things' and 'events' and 'expectations'. But the beauty we find is the only way we can survive, the only way we can keep the fire burning. There is beauty out there, and in here, everywhere. And I'm done putting it aside because I have more important things to do. It's time to live because my life isn't waiting. So I guess there are still some good songs about my life. Praise be. I thank God that my fire has not burned out. And that I still remember that I'm alive.

MS