Signing off

A few months ago, I started using facebook. I have railed against facebook in the past as I thought it was part of the machinery dismantling meaningful writing. I've rehashed that several times. No need to do it again. Check the archives. I joined up finally in order to perhaps gain some networking and make some connections in the search for a new job. Several suggestions made to me on facebook actually did lead to some opportunities, and for that I am thankful - but these suggestions were made by real life friends who I could have easily asked in person for help. Facebook really didn't make it happen.

Meanwhile, I found myself wasting more and more time on the infernal machine, and found myself becoming addicted to talking about myself in small meaningless fragments. It sucked me in just like everyone else. I found myself judging the worth of what I said by the number of responses I got, and actually found myself disappointed when posts got ignored. I tried to get interested in other people's posts, but as life continued to be difficult, I at time became annoyed at other people's carefree and easy-going attitudes...and even when not annoyed, I just couldn't get emotionally connected to anyone's soundbites. And yes, there were times when I posted drama in search of emotional support, and some good friends responded how they could. And I am truly grateful for that. But 2 typed sentences on a page are a poor poor substitute for a reassuring hand on your shoulder, or a shared look of understanding, or the presence of another human being.

So Facebook pretty much let me down. And that's fine. I owed it a try. I'm not disappointed, I'm not surprised. It is what it is. I need to get back to this blog, limited as it is. Because here, there is an audience of one. And it has been said that the best art is created for an audience of one. Not that this here thing is great art, but...I'm doing this to vent, to express myself in full paragraphs, to leave some kind of record of my life and the life of my family. And the life of my family is about big events, and complete thoughts, and unanswered questions...it's not about what I cooked for dinner on Tuesday. And I write, at the end of the day, for myself. To work out the experiences I have into some form of coherence. If anyone DOES choose to read, that's an added bonus, but not my intent and purpose. When I post on facebook, I'm screaming 'hey, look at me!' in the midst of hundreds of other people shouting the same thing. When I post here, I know that there are only 15-20 people at most who actually check it, but I know that those people care enough to read and think and take the time to enter my world long enough to be here with me in some way.

There are other reasons too. Frankly it would be too painful to sit reading posts from all my former colleagues as they go back to school while I am no longer a part of their world. Can't stand the thought of being reminded on a daily basis of what once was. But...at the end of the day, it just isn't a meaningful enough experience for me.

I mean, think about it. People in my life have gone through life-altering and devastating things in the past few months. But few on facebook know about it because facebook doesn't really allow for that kind of earth-shattering event to be documented. People know this. When the big stuff goes down, you turn to real people, right? The friends that are living, breathing people...not just a profile picture.

Okay, enough already. You're sick of hearing it. I will get to the point now. I am going back off of facebook. I thank those of you who stepped me through the past few months of struggle and transition. I look forward to your continued friendship via meaningful, thought-out conversation, be it electronically or in person. You know where to find me and I will always make time for my true friends. To those who lost interest...I don't blame you. My life is as boring as everyone else's when it's nothing but soundbites. I wish you all well.

Continue to check the blog for my thoughts and musings. It's not brilliant scholarship and it's not beautiful prose. But it's what I got and what I can give. As is my habit, I leave you with song lyrics. I have found it difficult to listen to the Flower Kings for the last few months. Very positive, uplifting music...but which failed to touch me the way more gritty stuff has recently. But they can sometimes pull off melancholy quite well. This song has a lot of personal meaning for me on many levels...as my summer of transition now turns to an entire year of transition, my road back home is becoming a lot longer than I thought it would be.


Thank you all for reading, I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right here if you need me. And after all, it's good to be alive.

Matt



"THE ROAD BACK HOME"
____________

Down to the crossroad with an open mind
Tails out tapes so please rewind
Do you mind if I me take a closer look
add my name in blood and then close the book...

Now, I don't regret so much what I said
but it's sad some of it stayed inside my head
Jumped the garden wall, climbed the learning tree
sleep the meadows green, high the memory

Like a slave to the grind
of my own tortured mind
I just look for a road back home.

Wheels of life turning endlessly,
like the rivers run to the sea.
Now I'm grateful to you and I tried to be true,
and after all, it's good to be alive

Bless my lucky star that you came my way
I picked up on most what you once said.
And it's always plain for the world to see
there's just one place where I long to be.

And I talked to the wind
where am I to begin
I just pray for the road back home

Wheels of time turning endlessly,
like the rivers run to the sea.
Now I'm grateful to you and I tried to be true,
and after all, it's good to be alive