"So where do we begin,
and what else can we say?
When the lines are all drawn,
What should we do today?"
- Fates Warning, "A Pleasant Shade of Gray"
So here we are. Months of preparation leading up to a life-altering event. Nights of tears, of Steph saying "I don't know how I'm going to make it 3 more months..." then "3 more weeks" then "3 more days". We've done everything we could humanly do to set things in order. And tomorrow at this time, our reality will be completely different. Tonight is the last night of a chapter of our lives.
And while I try to be deep and philosophical, total surreal Monty Python absurdity just busted out upstairs. Everyone is supposed to be in bed, but Mari is doing her crazy insane laugh at the top of her lungs, Faith just shouted out "I POOPED!" from the potty, I started cracking up, Steph came running to figure out what all the fuss was, and Faith calmly explained to her that "Daddy is making a joke about my poop and you are freaking out about it."
Now, where was I?
Oh yes...I was going to make some dorky reference to a scene in "The Two Towers" where they're getting ready for the final battle at Helm's Deep, and compare it to our current situation. Thank goodness the mood has been ruined, that would have been totally lame.
But, song lyrics...taken totally out of context:
"Armed with will and determination
And grace, too...
Armed with skill and its frustration,
And grace, too"
- The Tragically Hip, "Grace, Too"
This is how I feel. No one can totally prepare themselves for what's about to happen, but you can enter it with the right attitude. I have will, I have determination. Big challenges have always brought out the best in me. Little things like losing my keys can totally ruin my day, but when I know the big stuff is coming, I have always (with God's help) been able to make that subtle shift inside which turns the idea of a "challenge" into something positive. I often say at times like this...I'm going to be looking back and remembering this time for the rest of my life. It will either be my darkest hour, or something I can be proud of - a time that I defined who I was. What's it gonna be?
I have skill - I've done the baby thing twice now - never twice at once...but craziness which is born out of familiarity is a surmountable obstacle. I have, and will have, frustration. I'm not making it through this thing without losing my cool once or twice or fifty times.
But, I have grace. In both definitions of the word. I have God's grace, without which I could not have made it this far. I also have grace in the sense that I am going to let this thing take me where it will, not fight it, and even if there are times when I want to pull my hair out or run screaming or drive off into the night, that's all part of a bigger picture which I will not lose sight of. I have the sense to know that now, of all times, I am not in control, and I must turn over the keys, the map, and the itinerary to God and trust that he will guide us through this unthinkable wonder:
"I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the obstacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward. Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation."
(okay, that's not a song, that's from "O Brother Where Art Thou" but give me a break, it's a weird night)
Well, it's 9 o clock. I have one more night of uninterrupted sleep. I better get to it.
Thanks for all the support over the last few weeks especially - we really couldn't have done it without the extra help. Expect news and pics sometime tomorrow - remember us in your thoughts and prayers - God bless.
This song by Fernando Ortega has been a real comfort to me in recent weeks. I share it with you now, in closing:
"Take heart, my friend, we'll go together
This uncertain road that lies ahead
Our faithful God has always gone before
And He will lead the way once again
Take heart, my friend, we can walk together
And if our burdens become too great
We can hold up and help one another
In God's love, in God's grace
Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender in the night
If we should falter when trouble surrounds us
When the wind and the waves are wild and high
We will look away to Him who rules the waters;
Who speaks His peace into the angry tide
He is our comfort, our sustainer
He is our help in time of need
When we wander, He is our Shepherd
He who watches over us never sleeps
Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender in the night..."
Fernando Ortega - "Take Heart My Friend"
