I am currently finishing my last day of my first sub assignment. It was an absolutely terrifying and unexpected beginning, but in my eyes it has ended well. All in all, I could not have expected it to go any better. It reassures me that the choice I made to sub for a year was the right thing to do. It has felt good to be back. Admittedly, I still have to face the challenge of subbing in a regular classroom. But for now, I feel comfortable knowing I can walk into an unknown music situation and make something meaningful happen in a short amount of time with zero notice. Bring it.
I wanted to say a few words to the students who I have had the pleasure of teaching for the past week. You are a great bunch of human beings, and I am thankful for the opportunity to have worked with you. In fact, I can not think of a better group to have started me off on my unexpected subbing journey. Thank you for being patient with me and helping me through the first bizarre and surreal day, and thank you then for being easy going with all the differences between me and your regular teacher. You all remind me very much of my first group of band kids from way back in 1998. Never lose your love for music, and please take care of the friendships you have made. You are a close group, as band should be. You are a family. A weird family to be sure...but weird has never been a bad thing in my book. Continue to take care of each other. Good luck the rest of the year, and the rest of your lives. I think you'll all go far.
To their director: You have a truly special group of students. Appreciate that and appreciate them. They may annoy you and make you pull your hair out at times, but as a music educator you are lucky to have them, and as a human being you are blessed to be surrounded by people so full of life. Trust me, speaking from painful personal experience: It hurts like nothing else to have the kids you have worked with ripped away from you and to be missing that in your life. I pray that it never happens to you. Be thankful. Never forget it. Oh, and all you guys, please make sure that your football team wins its game on October 21st.
So long all, it's been real, have a great life!
Mr. Specter
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
I have now subbed. I am now old.
During the past month or so I have called or emailed a lot of districts locally and done a lot of legwork to get on sub lists for the current year. One of those contacts led to a possible short-term sub position for a band director in a district about a half-hour east of Cincinnati. It's a district I'm familiar with, with a good reputation, so I was eager for the opportunity.
His wife was due in late September. We got everything worked out for me to come observe on Thursday, so I could learn his schedule and figure out what the kids were used to. Well, Wednesday afternoon the district contacted me and said his wife went into labor...and could I sub tomorrow?
What followed were the two craziest, scariest, most intense days of my life. I have a lot to say about all this, but I haven't had a great deal of time to process it yet. So in condensed form:
* I can throw a general music lesson together on the fly. I had about 20 minutes to prepare with very little to go on. (I don't blame the guy, his wife just had a kid - I know I wasn't thinking about work when the kids were born.) The general music part of my day went really really well. And it was reassuring to see that my skills can be transferred to 7th grade with very little modification.
* I am rusty as a band director. Did okay with the Middle School group, but being back in a High School setting was weird to say the least. It doesn't help that most of the kids tower over me. The group I am working with is the typical group of band kids - which is to say there is nothing typical about them. Honestly, a lovable bunch of the most diverse mix of personalities you're ever likely to encounter. I'm being careful with what I say because these kids may end up actually reading this thing, so I will put it this way. They are totally a mash-up of every imaginable kind of weird you could think of...and that is positively wonderful. I love it. They totally own their weirdness and wear it on their sleeve in a way that I wish I could have when I was their age. I admire that.
* The trouble is - they are clearly a tightly knit group. They're very close, possibly the result of a 'circle the wagons' mentality that is often necessary to get through high school as a band member. Which makes me very much an outsider to them and with only a week to spend with them it's an odd position to be in. I am in charge of them, but I am not their leader, and I am not one of them. I know nothing about their histories and the stories behind their personalities, or the inside jokes, so I am missing out on the best part of them. It's weird. It is a little lonely. I think it's a lot tougher then single-day subbing will be (especially at elementary level) where I will be a novelty act. Being there for a second day the novelty was already gone. The next few days will be interesting.
* But, I am now clearly old. I can not handle the 17-hour days of a band director. I feel this morning like I've been hit by a bus. I can't handle standing out in the hot sun for hours on end. I'm a wimp, I guess. But this morning I felt old. Really old. Capital O Old.
More to say as this continues. But I have not seen my own kids since Thursday and I miss them. I want to go spend time with them.
Matt
His wife was due in late September. We got everything worked out for me to come observe on Thursday, so I could learn his schedule and figure out what the kids were used to. Well, Wednesday afternoon the district contacted me and said his wife went into labor...and could I sub tomorrow?
What followed were the two craziest, scariest, most intense days of my life. I have a lot to say about all this, but I haven't had a great deal of time to process it yet. So in condensed form:
* I can throw a general music lesson together on the fly. I had about 20 minutes to prepare with very little to go on. (I don't blame the guy, his wife just had a kid - I know I wasn't thinking about work when the kids were born.) The general music part of my day went really really well. And it was reassuring to see that my skills can be transferred to 7th grade with very little modification.
* I am rusty as a band director. Did okay with the Middle School group, but being back in a High School setting was weird to say the least. It doesn't help that most of the kids tower over me. The group I am working with is the typical group of band kids - which is to say there is nothing typical about them. Honestly, a lovable bunch of the most diverse mix of personalities you're ever likely to encounter. I'm being careful with what I say because these kids may end up actually reading this thing, so I will put it this way. They are totally a mash-up of every imaginable kind of weird you could think of...and that is positively wonderful. I love it. They totally own their weirdness and wear it on their sleeve in a way that I wish I could have when I was their age. I admire that.
* The trouble is - they are clearly a tightly knit group. They're very close, possibly the result of a 'circle the wagons' mentality that is often necessary to get through high school as a band member. Which makes me very much an outsider to them and with only a week to spend with them it's an odd position to be in. I am in charge of them, but I am not their leader, and I am not one of them. I know nothing about their histories and the stories behind their personalities, or the inside jokes, so I am missing out on the best part of them. It's weird. It is a little lonely. I think it's a lot tougher then single-day subbing will be (especially at elementary level) where I will be a novelty act. Being there for a second day the novelty was already gone. The next few days will be interesting.
* But, I am now clearly old. I can not handle the 17-hour days of a band director. I feel this morning like I've been hit by a bus. I can't handle standing out in the hot sun for hours on end. I'm a wimp, I guess. But this morning I felt old. Really old. Capital O Old.
More to say as this continues. But I have not seen my own kids since Thursday and I miss them. I want to go spend time with them.
Matt
Saturday, August 27, 2011
A great comment and discussion starter.
Receieved a great comment in the middle of the night last night from a friend (pretty sure I know who). The comment was so good I wanted to include it as a post so everyone could see it easily...and so I can respond. See below:
"I used to think of my life as expositions and episodes, to borrow from fugal analysis. Expositions were the theme of my life, or what I thought of as the theme of my life, and I looked for them to be strong and loud and clear. Of course these were followed my episodes where I had no idea what was going on, but I tried to enjoy the pretty things around me as I moved to my next exposition. Lately I've been feeling like this gives too much artificial structure to the swirling chaos around me. That, when you get down to it, everything is episode and nothing is really exposition. That life is one big fantasia instead of fugue. Or for you non-music folks, life is all one big transition. Nothing is repeated, we just follow the flow and try to enjoy it as things go by. Since I've started thinking about life this way, I feel more at ease. Both with the world around me and the person I am. I'm no longer trying to make pieces of life fit into preconceived slots in my world view, and I see that the only thing I can really work on is myself. Life becomes simpler. I'm no longer trying to control things, I'm just trying to be me."
My response:
Don't let me give the impression that I am desperately looking to enforce order on my life. That's not it. As an example, one of the biggest annoyances I had during the last few months of chaos was people trying to chalk it all up to "God's plan" with a sweep of the broom and thus explain it all away, or somehow imply that the order in it was just too big to see. Both of these concepts I can agree with at times, but for various reasons, I was, and am still, not convinced that this was the case...this time. Sometimes, things happen. I don't want this to be a God post, but the short version is, we are free to make our own mess...and our society is free to make its own mess, and if we live in that society and enjoy its benefits, we are also subject to its whims and repercussions. Which means, as happened to me, you can get caught up in a swirl of events which in the end have nothing to do with you personally. Stuff happens. And there may be no 'reason' for it on the individual level. Having the desperate need to attach God to the situation indicates to me a fear of this reality of interconnectedness. I for one have no problem with it.
But back to the point - my previous post, showing the recurring moments in my life coming full circle, and the comment generated by who I think is an old friend in a different time zone. I think life has the potential to be any kind of composition. It might be for some, a beautifully structured fugue, or a Gabrieli antiphonal masterwork. For others it might be pure minimalism, perhaps grating on the ears but easily understood and therefore comforting. For some, it might be intentionally discordant and inexplicable to many, but with a rigid underlying structure...Schoenberg perhaps? And to others, it may be avant-garde. Or your example, all fantasia - just the whims of the music.
Who is in charge? The music or the composer? And are we the composer, or are we just fed the music and allowed to analyze it as a way to understand our lives better? I think it's a little of each. I think we're given raw materials, and our life composition is a combination of music with a will and force of its own, and our reactions and responses to it. And we even have a degree of freedom to alter and add to that material if we so choose. And I believe that for no specific reason, some of us get raw materials that are easily malleable and let us have great control, and others of us get a theme that pretty much dictates what else will happen. So it's not fair to say that someone with chaos in their life didn't control that music better...maybe that fantasia could have been given some more structure...but would it then be less beautiful and less what it was meant to be? A fantasia and a fugue are not the same, but both are beautiful and serve a purpose.
So, as for me...I certainly don't think my life is a fugue. And I do not go through my life trying to force pieces in place that are not there. But as I continue to work on the composition of my life, it's impossible to ignore the recurring themes. My raw material was constructed that way, and in major recapitulation points, themes return. I find it comforting to see those themes re-emerge from time to time, like an anchor point in a sometimes overlong Mahler symphony. It helps me know where I am.
And maybe I could spend a lot more time and energy trying to force my symphony into sonata form, but I have no interest in that. I'm not a detail person at that level. I'm a big picture guy. And I like to look at the overall shape, the ebb and flow, the story arc. The stuff I can see without my glasses on. Details are often ugly.
So to respond to your comment, old friend...I think we're both right in some sense. And your music may sound strange to some, but I think that you have made a conscious choice to let your music happen, combined with a theme that was destined to write itself...and I respect that. Who knows what will happen next? To any of us? Great discussion.
As the song goes, "This is me...that's who I'm trying to be". Amen.
"I used to think of my life as expositions and episodes, to borrow from fugal analysis. Expositions were the theme of my life, or what I thought of as the theme of my life, and I looked for them to be strong and loud and clear. Of course these were followed my episodes where I had no idea what was going on, but I tried to enjoy the pretty things around me as I moved to my next exposition. Lately I've been feeling like this gives too much artificial structure to the swirling chaos around me. That, when you get down to it, everything is episode and nothing is really exposition. That life is one big fantasia instead of fugue. Or for you non-music folks, life is all one big transition. Nothing is repeated, we just follow the flow and try to enjoy it as things go by. Since I've started thinking about life this way, I feel more at ease. Both with the world around me and the person I am. I'm no longer trying to make pieces of life fit into preconceived slots in my world view, and I see that the only thing I can really work on is myself. Life becomes simpler. I'm no longer trying to control things, I'm just trying to be me."
My response:
Don't let me give the impression that I am desperately looking to enforce order on my life. That's not it. As an example, one of the biggest annoyances I had during the last few months of chaos was people trying to chalk it all up to "God's plan" with a sweep of the broom and thus explain it all away, or somehow imply that the order in it was just too big to see. Both of these concepts I can agree with at times, but for various reasons, I was, and am still, not convinced that this was the case...this time. Sometimes, things happen. I don't want this to be a God post, but the short version is, we are free to make our own mess...and our society is free to make its own mess, and if we live in that society and enjoy its benefits, we are also subject to its whims and repercussions. Which means, as happened to me, you can get caught up in a swirl of events which in the end have nothing to do with you personally. Stuff happens. And there may be no 'reason' for it on the individual level. Having the desperate need to attach God to the situation indicates to me a fear of this reality of interconnectedness. I for one have no problem with it.
But back to the point - my previous post, showing the recurring moments in my life coming full circle, and the comment generated by who I think is an old friend in a different time zone. I think life has the potential to be any kind of composition. It might be for some, a beautifully structured fugue, or a Gabrieli antiphonal masterwork. For others it might be pure minimalism, perhaps grating on the ears but easily understood and therefore comforting. For some, it might be intentionally discordant and inexplicable to many, but with a rigid underlying structure...Schoenberg perhaps? And to others, it may be avant-garde. Or your example, all fantasia - just the whims of the music.
Who is in charge? The music or the composer? And are we the composer, or are we just fed the music and allowed to analyze it as a way to understand our lives better? I think it's a little of each. I think we're given raw materials, and our life composition is a combination of music with a will and force of its own, and our reactions and responses to it. And we even have a degree of freedom to alter and add to that material if we so choose. And I believe that for no specific reason, some of us get raw materials that are easily malleable and let us have great control, and others of us get a theme that pretty much dictates what else will happen. So it's not fair to say that someone with chaos in their life didn't control that music better...maybe that fantasia could have been given some more structure...but would it then be less beautiful and less what it was meant to be? A fantasia and a fugue are not the same, but both are beautiful and serve a purpose.
So, as for me...I certainly don't think my life is a fugue. And I do not go through my life trying to force pieces in place that are not there. But as I continue to work on the composition of my life, it's impossible to ignore the recurring themes. My raw material was constructed that way, and in major recapitulation points, themes return. I find it comforting to see those themes re-emerge from time to time, like an anchor point in a sometimes overlong Mahler symphony. It helps me know where I am.
And maybe I could spend a lot more time and energy trying to force my symphony into sonata form, but I have no interest in that. I'm not a detail person at that level. I'm a big picture guy. And I like to look at the overall shape, the ebb and flow, the story arc. The stuff I can see without my glasses on. Details are often ugly.
So to respond to your comment, old friend...I think we're both right in some sense. And your music may sound strange to some, but I think that you have made a conscious choice to let your music happen, combined with a theme that was destined to write itself...and I respect that. Who knows what will happen next? To any of us? Great discussion.
As the song goes, "This is me...that's who I'm trying to be". Amen.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Full circle yet again
August 1998. I sat alone in a small lodge at Woodland Altars in Adams County, OH. Tomorrow I would start bandcamp at Peebles High School, my first teaching job ever.
It was dark, lonely, and I was scared to the point of depression. What had I gotten myself into? Could I do this? What on earth was I thinking?
I ended up staying at Peebles for 4 years. They were 4 good years for me. And I like to think that, although I was definitely not a great band director by most measures, I was a very good director for that school, for those kids, in that time and place. I did okay.
The next 2 years were a transition. One year awkwardly teaching at my former high school, in a bad situation. I fully admit that I was part of the bad situation, but...it was not a good year. The following year, spent completely out of the music and teaching business, working as the church office manager while preparing for the birth of our first child. A major depressive episode followed - a true existential crisis of faith which left me shaken and battered, but stronger once I pulled through it.
And then, finally, the relief once I had given up all hope - the back door into teaching with an offer once the school year had already begun.
October 31, 2004. Halloween night...two houses ago. A 6-month old Faith on our lap as we sat in our driveway handing out candy to neighborhood kids - some of whom I had maybe taught 2 years ago. The next day I would start teaching general music, something I had never thought I would do. Again - what on earth have I gotten myself into? Can I do this?
I stayed for 7 years. Would have stayed longer...but events pushed me out. Again, I would argue that, while not the best general music teacher out there, I was great for that time, that place, those kids. And while the departure was heartbreaking, and sadly bitter, looking back I can see that I am blessed to have been removed from that situation.
A summer of hope and possibility. The ultimate irony of being offered jobs but being unable to take them. The hope turning to a grim reality of looking for a job here in Cincinnati where the pickings are slim, and someone with 12 years and a Master's is probably too expensive for anyone.
Somewhere in all that mess, one lonely interview among dozens. No response, lost in the shuffle, forgotten. One lonely interview actually leads to an offer I can take. Not enough money, not enough time...but still...it's enough. It's a job doing what I love. There are kids at the school who need a music teacher, and a principal who believes in what I can bring to that school. For now at least, our paths cross.
A new chapter begins.
It promises to be an interesting chapter for me. New characters, new locations, hopefully some new friends. A lot of unknowns. Will this be another 'transition' phase in my life? Will this be the final chapter in my teaching book...and if so, will it be one page or twenty?
I don't know.
But none of that matters right now. What matters is, tomorrow, for the first time in what seems like a lifetime...I am going to work. And it feels very good to say that.
Am I nervous? Heck yes. Am I scared? You betcha. Are there things about this position that I perhaps may be in over my head about? Oh baby, yes.
But...been there, done that. I always have come through.
Tonight I leave you with an excerpt from The Refreshments' "I Don't Wanna Know".
Wish me luck tomorrow. Here we go again.
__________________
"We've been saying we're gonna go somewhere
For a long long time
Nothing ever happens
Why's it never happen
Yeah we've been prayin' we're gonna get somewhere
For a long long time
But it never happens
Why's it never happen
I wonder where I'll be in a year
Probably be sittin' right here
But if you know the answer
Don't tell me anyone
I don't wanna know
Cause I don't wanna know"
It was dark, lonely, and I was scared to the point of depression. What had I gotten myself into? Could I do this? What on earth was I thinking?
I ended up staying at Peebles for 4 years. They were 4 good years for me. And I like to think that, although I was definitely not a great band director by most measures, I was a very good director for that school, for those kids, in that time and place. I did okay.
The next 2 years were a transition. One year awkwardly teaching at my former high school, in a bad situation. I fully admit that I was part of the bad situation, but...it was not a good year. The following year, spent completely out of the music and teaching business, working as the church office manager while preparing for the birth of our first child. A major depressive episode followed - a true existential crisis of faith which left me shaken and battered, but stronger once I pulled through it.
And then, finally, the relief once I had given up all hope - the back door into teaching with an offer once the school year had already begun.
October 31, 2004. Halloween night...two houses ago. A 6-month old Faith on our lap as we sat in our driveway handing out candy to neighborhood kids - some of whom I had maybe taught 2 years ago. The next day I would start teaching general music, something I had never thought I would do. Again - what on earth have I gotten myself into? Can I do this?
I stayed for 7 years. Would have stayed longer...but events pushed me out. Again, I would argue that, while not the best general music teacher out there, I was great for that time, that place, those kids. And while the departure was heartbreaking, and sadly bitter, looking back I can see that I am blessed to have been removed from that situation.
A summer of hope and possibility. The ultimate irony of being offered jobs but being unable to take them. The hope turning to a grim reality of looking for a job here in Cincinnati where the pickings are slim, and someone with 12 years and a Master's is probably too expensive for anyone.
Somewhere in all that mess, one lonely interview among dozens. No response, lost in the shuffle, forgotten. One lonely interview actually leads to an offer I can take. Not enough money, not enough time...but still...it's enough. It's a job doing what I love. There are kids at the school who need a music teacher, and a principal who believes in what I can bring to that school. For now at least, our paths cross.
A new chapter begins.
It promises to be an interesting chapter for me. New characters, new locations, hopefully some new friends. A lot of unknowns. Will this be another 'transition' phase in my life? Will this be the final chapter in my teaching book...and if so, will it be one page or twenty?
I don't know.
But none of that matters right now. What matters is, tomorrow, for the first time in what seems like a lifetime...I am going to work. And it feels very good to say that.
Am I nervous? Heck yes. Am I scared? You betcha. Are there things about this position that I perhaps may be in over my head about? Oh baby, yes.
But...been there, done that. I always have come through.
Tonight I leave you with an excerpt from The Refreshments' "I Don't Wanna Know".
Wish me luck tomorrow. Here we go again.
__________________
"We've been saying we're gonna go somewhere
For a long long time
Nothing ever happens
Why's it never happen
Yeah we've been prayin' we're gonna get somewhere
For a long long time
But it never happens
Why's it never happen
I wonder where I'll be in a year
Probably be sittin' right here
But if you know the answer
Don't tell me anyone
I don't wanna know
Cause I don't wanna know"
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
COBRA and Kindergarten
COBRA is a joke. Seriously. Let's see, I can maintain my current insurance for...over $1000 a month. Getting that outsourced piece of info from my former employer was truly the final insult. But as Michael Stipe sings at the end of the song "Falls to Climb":
"Who cast the final stone?
Who dealt the crushing blow?
Someone has to take the fall,
Why not me? Why not me?
Had consequence chose differently,
Had fate its ugly head,
My actions make me beautiful,
And dignify the flesh,
Me...I am free...I AM FREE."
Truly I am free. Hallelujah!
But, little time these days to think of such things. Faith starts 2nd grade tomorrow. My life situation has taken me away from this part of my life. I have not been there for her and she is clearly nervous. Like her father, she finds the academics easy as pie, but her attempts at being social tend to end up more 'pie-in-the-face'. God bless her, my heart goes out to her. She's a wonderful kid (with some annoying habits) who in some ways has already done better socially than me...but at the same time, I think the social world is tougher now than it was when I was a kid. I hope and pray that she continues to have a group of friends that makes her happy, and that she doesn't overdo her affections and is willing to share her friends.
And Mari starts Kindergarten on Thursday. She says she's not nervous, but I think she is more than she lets on. Mari in a lot of ways has stalled out socially. She still has a lot of trouble controlling her emotions and reactions...wonder where she got THAT from? She's a stinking roller-coaster though...she'll also be the kindest, best friend to someone who needs it.
There is little doubt that the life situation we've been under has affected our family adversely. How could it not? Every spare moment has been spent setting things up for now. We have not been there for our kids and have had our summer robbed from us. There have been no 'good thoughts' for any of us. We know that a lot of people have had it worse, and we thank God for what we have. But it's taking an emotional toll. School coming and the return of some sort of routine will be a light in the darkness I hope...and we will all slowly pull ourselves out of this morass and gather strength for another summer of strife.
Let's do this, people.
Matt
"Who cast the final stone?
Who dealt the crushing blow?
Someone has to take the fall,
Why not me? Why not me?
Had consequence chose differently,
Had fate its ugly head,
My actions make me beautiful,
And dignify the flesh,
Me...I am free...I AM FREE."
Truly I am free. Hallelujah!
But, little time these days to think of such things. Faith starts 2nd grade tomorrow. My life situation has taken me away from this part of my life. I have not been there for her and she is clearly nervous. Like her father, she finds the academics easy as pie, but her attempts at being social tend to end up more 'pie-in-the-face'. God bless her, my heart goes out to her. She's a wonderful kid (with some annoying habits) who in some ways has already done better socially than me...but at the same time, I think the social world is tougher now than it was when I was a kid. I hope and pray that she continues to have a group of friends that makes her happy, and that she doesn't overdo her affections and is willing to share her friends.
And Mari starts Kindergarten on Thursday. She says she's not nervous, but I think she is more than she lets on. Mari in a lot of ways has stalled out socially. She still has a lot of trouble controlling her emotions and reactions...wonder where she got THAT from? She's a stinking roller-coaster though...she'll also be the kindest, best friend to someone who needs it.
There is little doubt that the life situation we've been under has affected our family adversely. How could it not? Every spare moment has been spent setting things up for now. We have not been there for our kids and have had our summer robbed from us. There have been no 'good thoughts' for any of us. We know that a lot of people have had it worse, and we thank God for what we have. But it's taking an emotional toll. School coming and the return of some sort of routine will be a light in the darkness I hope...and we will all slowly pull ourselves out of this morass and gather strength for another summer of strife.
Let's do this, people.
Matt
Friday, August 19, 2011
Inching Closer and Might-have-Beens
One week from tonight I will feel a lot better about half of my life. I will have put in my first day at my new part part part time job. For anyone reading this from my current place of employment, I want you to know that I may make comments about how small a job it is in terms of time and pay, but that I fully respect the importance of the position and have every intention of taking it every bit as seriously, perhaps even more so, than my last position. As long as there are kids there who need a music teacher, I have a job to do. And I am grateful to have that job, however small it may appear to outsiders. It will be as big to me as it is to you, and as big to me as it is to them.
At the same time, I confess that I have started wasting time looking at the real estate websites in various places I interviewed across the country. It still stings a little to think that for a period of 3 months or so I had the world thrown open to me and could have been in a completely new place right now...and yet here I sit. Same old same old.
I feel quite alone these days. I have no real peer group anymore. There were a few good friends at my last position who stepped me through the dark times and I owe them more than I can ever repay. But most have drifted back to their lives and so it should be. Maybe one or two of them will stand a chance to keep a friendship beyond that, but I expect it will all fade away in time. Ships passing in the night and all that.
So I soldier on with my family and a few scattered friends, as it has always been and probably always will be with me. I like to think that given the chance to start over in a new place, I might somehow do a better job of laying down roots and developing these friendships I am missing...but probably not. I've never had the knack for it. And I fully admit that I have to a certain extent created this situation for myself. I am by nature a selfish person. Every amount of giving that I do has been something I've had to learn to do. Like others might marvel at innate musical abilities, I marvel at innate selflessness, because I sadly do not possess it. So, like an earnest but hopelessly untalented musician, toiling away in the bottom of the section in the school band, I slave away at being a good person hoping to get a few things right and not screw up the whole piece. Doing my best, people. I at least know when to stop playing if the music is too tough.
I love my life and wouldn't trade it for anyone else's. But at times it can be hard.
And by the way, it should be noted that Steph and I are developing and hoping to deepen a friendship with another family - you know who you are. We hope there can be more time spent together, and more often. I think we are both better people for being around you guys. So, don't feel like I'm overlooking you with what was said above. I consider what's going on with you guys a bright spot in the murkiness of my social life.
So anyway. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I have a feeling I'll have more to write about this week.
Matt
At the same time, I confess that I have started wasting time looking at the real estate websites in various places I interviewed across the country. It still stings a little to think that for a period of 3 months or so I had the world thrown open to me and could have been in a completely new place right now...and yet here I sit. Same old same old.
I feel quite alone these days. I have no real peer group anymore. There were a few good friends at my last position who stepped me through the dark times and I owe them more than I can ever repay. But most have drifted back to their lives and so it should be. Maybe one or two of them will stand a chance to keep a friendship beyond that, but I expect it will all fade away in time. Ships passing in the night and all that.
So I soldier on with my family and a few scattered friends, as it has always been and probably always will be with me. I like to think that given the chance to start over in a new place, I might somehow do a better job of laying down roots and developing these friendships I am missing...but probably not. I've never had the knack for it. And I fully admit that I have to a certain extent created this situation for myself. I am by nature a selfish person. Every amount of giving that I do has been something I've had to learn to do. Like others might marvel at innate musical abilities, I marvel at innate selflessness, because I sadly do not possess it. So, like an earnest but hopelessly untalented musician, toiling away in the bottom of the section in the school band, I slave away at being a good person hoping to get a few things right and not screw up the whole piece. Doing my best, people. I at least know when to stop playing if the music is too tough.
I love my life and wouldn't trade it for anyone else's. But at times it can be hard.
And by the way, it should be noted that Steph and I are developing and hoping to deepen a friendship with another family - you know who you are. We hope there can be more time spent together, and more often. I think we are both better people for being around you guys. So, don't feel like I'm overlooking you with what was said above. I consider what's going on with you guys a bright spot in the murkiness of my social life.
So anyway. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I have a feeling I'll have more to write about this week.
Matt
Sunday, August 14, 2011
An end of sorts in sight
For almost 5 months now I have been living in transition. I have had an unknown future with a complete lack of routine and absolutely no feeling of stability. I have been awash in a whirlwind of confusion and a storm of uncertainty.
It has, in the last weeks, really started to get to me. I'm going more than a little crazy at all the unknowns.
Long term, nothing has happened. My position one year from now is still a mystery to me. Two years, even more so.
But pretty soon, I will be re-entering a place of at least day-to-day consistency. School is starting up for districts around here, and after a while I'm hopeful that I'll start to get some sub calls. That first day will be a terrifying ordeal. The next one, not quite so much. And after nine or ten, I really think I'll either be getting the hang of it or be ready to run screaming. Either way, it won't be an unknown any more.
In addition, my part-time post at a small Catholic school in northern Kentucky will be starting soon. Again, the first day will be a terror for me, but soon after, it will become a known quantity. Some days subbing, some days teaching music...some days, doing nothing at all. But I will have a life of sorts again.
I am going to be a nervous wreck for the next couple weeks, or the next month maybe, until all of this settles into 'normal'. But then it will definitely be time to celebrate. And I will need it by then.
Of course, the other big stuff I keep alluding to is likely going to have something to say about all that...but...one thing at a time. One thing at a time.
Into the breach we go.
Matt
It has, in the last weeks, really started to get to me. I'm going more than a little crazy at all the unknowns.
Long term, nothing has happened. My position one year from now is still a mystery to me. Two years, even more so.
But pretty soon, I will be re-entering a place of at least day-to-day consistency. School is starting up for districts around here, and after a while I'm hopeful that I'll start to get some sub calls. That first day will be a terrifying ordeal. The next one, not quite so much. And after nine or ten, I really think I'll either be getting the hang of it or be ready to run screaming. Either way, it won't be an unknown any more.
In addition, my part-time post at a small Catholic school in northern Kentucky will be starting soon. Again, the first day will be a terror for me, but soon after, it will become a known quantity. Some days subbing, some days teaching music...some days, doing nothing at all. But I will have a life of sorts again.
I am going to be a nervous wreck for the next couple weeks, or the next month maybe, until all of this settles into 'normal'. But then it will definitely be time to celebrate. And I will need it by then.
Of course, the other big stuff I keep alluding to is likely going to have something to say about all that...but...one thing at a time. One thing at a time.
Into the breach we go.
Matt
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Let's Go Already
Clock is ticking on the beginning of a new adventure. The next couple of weeks are going to be frantic. Steph is working every day, she has to find time to get her preschool classroom ready, I have to keep contacting districts to let them know I exist, of course the kids are still here.
The daily craziness aside, I feel good. A little scared at the new challenge I am planning to undertake, but looking forward to the time when it starts to feel normal and I can just live. In general, I feel the best I've felt in months. Hooray for making the right choices.
I suppose the big symbolic news is that after about 3am Friday morning I will...hmmm...what's a good metaphor...let's say I will no longer have my hand in the devil's wallet.
Other things are on the horizon too - check back soon for more news.
Matt
The daily craziness aside, I feel good. A little scared at the new challenge I am planning to undertake, but looking forward to the time when it starts to feel normal and I can just live. In general, I feel the best I've felt in months. Hooray for making the right choices.
I suppose the big symbolic news is that after about 3am Friday morning I will...hmmm...what's a good metaphor...let's say I will no longer have my hand in the devil's wallet.
Other things are on the horizon too - check back soon for more news.
Matt
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Freedom
Just wanted to express the joy I feel being free of Facebook. On several occasions today, in between filling out sub applications, I nearly clicked on facebook out of habit. Then, upon remembering that I didn't have to do it any more, I felt this surge of excitement at all the things I could do INSTEAD. It felt really good. Scary how much time I wasted on that thing.
Okay, okay. I know, shut up already. Sorry. I just hadn't expected that particular reaction. And it's not like I filled up that time with anything else particularly worthwhile anyway. I can imagine the possibilities I'd open to myself if I gave up the internet altogether. I think...I could rule the world.
Anyway, things continue to be going well around here. My mood fluctuates from petrified to excited about 50 times a day. The one thing I don't feel is calm. I look forward to calm again. I really do. Someday. Someday. But it certainly beats depressed.
God bless all,
Matt
Okay, okay. I know, shut up already. Sorry. I just hadn't expected that particular reaction. And it's not like I filled up that time with anything else particularly worthwhile anyway. I can imagine the possibilities I'd open to myself if I gave up the internet altogether. I think...I could rule the world.
Anyway, things continue to be going well around here. My mood fluctuates from petrified to excited about 50 times a day. The one thing I don't feel is calm. I look forward to calm again. I really do. Someday. Someday. But it certainly beats depressed.
God bless all,
Matt
Monday, August 1, 2011
Irony
I spent over 3 months in turmoil actively and frantically looking for a job. My first job offer, way back in...April? May? Don't even remember now...I had to turn down because there were just too many questions about the location of that job and its suitability for my family. The second job I was offered was one I truly wanted. However, realities of finance and real estate prevented us from being able to make the move to accept that position. At that point we were sad, truly sad about moving...but ready for the excitement and adventure of starting over...it was the definition of bittersweet. Turning it down this time was not something I enjoyed having to do. We liked the location, we liked the people, we would have done it in a heartbeat. We just couldn't. The last job I was offered was not a teaching job. And the thought of taking that one put me into a panic - my being again (as it had in a similar situation back in 2003) rejected the idea and forced me to look deep within myself at what I truly wanted and was willing to accept and sacrifice.
So here I am. August has come, and I still have no job. And yet I couldn't stand the idea of being out of the education business any longer. So I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do...I'm going to sub. God help me, I'm going to sub wherever they'll take me, because I am a teacher and I need to be in a school to be fully realized. We're not sure exactly how we'll make ends meet but we are trusting in God to provide and our support net to catch us if we fall. Who knows? Maybe subbing will be so miserable that I'll never want to enter another school again. Then I'll finally be ready to leave. But somehow...I don't think so. I think, in some sick twisted way...this is going to be fun.
So the irony is that I spent all this time looking and looking for a job. And now that I don't have one...I feel the best I've felt in months. Truly, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Praise be.
Thanks all for your thoughts and prayers. Let's do this.
Matt
So here I am. August has come, and I still have no job. And yet I couldn't stand the idea of being out of the education business any longer. So I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do...I'm going to sub. God help me, I'm going to sub wherever they'll take me, because I am a teacher and I need to be in a school to be fully realized. We're not sure exactly how we'll make ends meet but we are trusting in God to provide and our support net to catch us if we fall. Who knows? Maybe subbing will be so miserable that I'll never want to enter another school again. Then I'll finally be ready to leave. But somehow...I don't think so. I think, in some sick twisted way...this is going to be fun.
So the irony is that I spent all this time looking and looking for a job. And now that I don't have one...I feel the best I've felt in months. Truly, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Praise be.
Thanks all for your thoughts and prayers. Let's do this.
Matt
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