A few moments

Things have been odd since returning from vacation.

The way home was difficult. You see, I believe in parallel universes. I think that somehow they all exist side-by-side, occupying the same space, and that most of the time, the difference between them is so small that it's not even noticeable. Yet sometimes, drastic things happen in one universe but not in another and it's times like these that perhaps lead to an odd feeling of unease or an unexplained shiver - and I like to think that deja vu is the result of us bumping up against another neighboring universe where the exact same thing happened not long ago.

Okay, before everyone creeps out, it's not that I necessarily believe all this literally but it's an interesting way to look at your life and the choices you have to make - and thinking that somewhere right there with you is another you who is living a life of different choices and different events...it puts a fresh perspective on the life that you ARE actually living.

I also tend to think that you gain strength from those neighboring selves, knowing that in this universe, you chose something that was chosen by so many other selves...which leads to the conviction that you are truly doing what is right for you.

Anyway. The point I'm driving to is...the drive home from HHI was truly the first time that I would have put great distance between myself and the me next door who wasn't put out of work. That other me, in the time between the last day of school and the last day at HHI, did the same things. We went to IN to shake down the trailer. We taught at VBS. We packed for a big trip. And we both went to HHI. But after that, the other me went on to a longer vacation in Florida, and for the first time, I was left without the comfort of those other selves. I know it sounds crazy, but at that point, I felt very alone in an unexplainable way.

Now that feeling has faded, as I have built up my own array of neighboring universes diverging from this one...and as many choices have had to be made in that time due to our flooded basement, the number of selves has increased rather quickly. But it's still an odd place to be in. If my theory is true, I would expect a bit of odd emotion again when the other me comes back from longer vacation, and certainly when the school year begins if I'm still without meaningful employment.

All the metaphysical hoohah aside, it's been tough keeping the kids entertained when our basement is unusable. But we're keeping at it the best we can.

As far as my mental outlook in general, it's not bad on a day-to-day basis. As I've said before, I can live with the thought of working a menial job for a period of time. I can live with and even embrace being a stay-at-home dad. I can accept a lot of changes in my life, but I still am heartbroken at the prospect of losing my ability to take long trips with my family across the country. I am keeping myself together on that front by not thinking about it, but the knowledge is there. And sometimes late at night it keeps me awake. Not for long, because I'm tired. But it's there. And it's the saddest thing I've had to deal with in a long time.

So, keep the prayers coming. Don't know what's ahead, but I'm being patient. For now.

Matt