A hard one to write about

Yeah, this is kind of a hard post. I have things to say but don't want to seem whiny or dramatic. I've sat down several times to try to get it typed out and it always comes out wrong.

First of all, life is fine. Still no 'regular' classroom sub calls. Part of me wants to get it over with and start having that experience, part of me is frankly scared out of my mind at the prospect. But it's sort of not up to me any more.

Secondly, Steph has started her new job. So far so good, but the schedule has not calmed down enough for her to get prepared ahead yet. So I miss her, she's constantly busy preparing for the next day's class. This will improve with time. For now, it's tough. But she's doing a great job at it so far.

But what's been hard to type up is...well...

I dunno. Life teaches you who your friends are. I remember finishing up my last year at my last job and daydreaming about landing that new job, moving out, communicating with all my colleagues about the new place, posting pictures, coming back to visit, etc. etc.

But now...

Well, now it seems that when and if I move, it will be as if I was never there. I will communicate with my family, with church friends, and the small handful of other people in the world who still consider my existence something to take note of. But I've dropped off the planet to a lot of people.

See what I mean? That sounds whiny and self-important. It's totally not that at all, that's not how I feel, and I can't find the right words to express what I'm feeling. I certainly didn't expect a continued outpouring of sympathy. The silence from the people in that part of my history is totally expected and not something I feel anger or bitterness about. LIFE. GOES. ON.

I guess at the core of it is the odd and bizarre feeling that I have a 7-year hole in my life now, and insufficient critical mass in my new life to replace it. I feel very unbalanced between past present and future. Too many things about my past I have had to shut off or shut out because they're still too painful to think about. My future is nothing but a mammoth question mark made up of millions of smaller question marks. All that I'm left with is an eternal present, and while routine carries me day to day, I'm stumbling a bit in the meaning department. I don't know yet where all this is going to fit in with my story.

My days now are spent taking care of the kids, lesson planning for my once-a-week job, attempting in vain to keep the house somewhat clean, listlessly perusing job postings on national websites, researching real estate in those locations, browsing internet forums on those locations to learn more, and studying google earth to learn the lay of the land for anyplace that sounds like a good place to move. This is the life of someone who is ready to move on to the future but is physically stuck in the present.

Thus, with the future denied me and the present providing no anchor point, I suppose I've been hoping in vain that some voices from the past would show up to help fill the void. No such luck.

So yeah, I think that's it. And maybe that's why it hurts right now, even though I expect and understand it. Living in the present is just plain lonely.

That's the best I can do to express my emotions right now. It's a difficult angle to get the words around, and I know I haven't done it justice. I hope I don't come across as full of self-pity.

Matt