COBRA and Kindergarten

COBRA is a joke. Seriously. Let's see, I can maintain my current insurance for...over $1000 a month. Getting that outsourced piece of info from my former employer was truly the final insult. But as Michael Stipe sings at the end of the song "Falls to Climb":

"Who cast the final stone?
Who dealt the crushing blow?
Someone has to take the fall,
Why not me? Why not me?

Had consequence chose differently,
Had fate its ugly head,
My actions make me beautiful,
And dignify the flesh,
Me...I am free...I AM FREE."


Truly I am free. Hallelujah!

But, little time these days to think of such things. Faith starts 2nd grade tomorrow. My life situation has taken me away from this part of my life. I have not been there for her and she is clearly nervous. Like her father, she finds the academics easy as pie, but her attempts at being social tend to end up more 'pie-in-the-face'. God bless her, my heart goes out to her. She's a wonderful kid (with some annoying habits) who in some ways has already done better socially than me...but at the same time, I think the social world is tougher now than it was when I was a kid. I hope and pray that she continues to have a group of friends that makes her happy, and that she doesn't overdo her affections and is willing to share her friends.

And Mari starts Kindergarten on Thursday. She says she's not nervous, but I think she is more than she lets on. Mari in a lot of ways has stalled out socially. She still has a lot of trouble controlling her emotions and reactions...wonder where she got THAT from? She's a stinking roller-coaster though...she'll also be the kindest, best friend to someone who needs it.

There is little doubt that the life situation we've been under has affected our family adversely. How could it not? Every spare moment has been spent setting things up for now. We have not been there for our kids and have had our summer robbed from us. There have been no 'good thoughts' for any of us. We know that a lot of people have had it worse, and we thank God for what we have. But it's taking an emotional toll. School coming and the return of some sort of routine will be a light in the darkness I hope...and we will all slowly pull ourselves out of this morass and gather strength for another summer of strife.

Let's do this, people.

Matt

Inching Closer and Might-have-Beens

One week from tonight I will feel a lot better about half of my life. I will have put in my first day at my new part part part time job. For anyone reading this from my current place of employment, I want you to know that I may make comments about how small a job it is in terms of time and pay, but that I fully respect the importance of the position and have every intention of taking it every bit as seriously, perhaps even more so, than my last position. As long as there are kids there who need a music teacher, I have a job to do. And I am grateful to have that job, however small it may appear to outsiders. It will be as big to me as it is to you, and as big to me as it is to them.

At the same time, I confess that I have started wasting time looking at the real estate websites in various places I interviewed across the country. It still stings a little to think that for a period of 3 months or so I had the world thrown open to me and could have been in a completely new place right now...and yet here I sit. Same old same old.

I feel quite alone these days. I have no real peer group anymore. There were a few good friends at my last position who stepped me through the dark times and I owe them more than I can ever repay. But most have drifted back to their lives and so it should be. Maybe one or two of them will stand a chance to keep a friendship beyond that, but I expect it will all fade away in time. Ships passing in the night and all that.

So I soldier on with my family and a few scattered friends, as it has always been and probably always will be with me. I like to think that given the chance to start over in a new place, I might somehow do a better job of laying down roots and developing these friendships I am missing...but probably not. I've never had the knack for it. And I fully admit that I have to a certain extent created this situation for myself. I am by nature a selfish person. Every amount of giving that I do has been something I've had to learn to do. Like others might marvel at innate musical abilities, I marvel at innate selflessness, because I sadly do not possess it. So, like an earnest but hopelessly untalented musician, toiling away in the bottom of the section in the school band, I slave away at being a good person hoping to get a few things right and not screw up the whole piece. Doing my best, people. I at least know when to stop playing if the music is too tough.

I love my life and wouldn't trade it for anyone else's. But at times it can be hard.

And by the way, it should be noted that Steph and I are developing and hoping to deepen a friendship with another family - you know who you are. We hope there can be more time spent together, and more often. I think we are both better people for being around you guys. So, don't feel like I'm overlooking you with what was said above. I consider what's going on with you guys a bright spot in the murkiness of my social life.

So anyway. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I have a feeling I'll have more to write about this week.

Matt

An end of sorts in sight

For almost 5 months now I have been living in transition. I have had an unknown future with a complete lack of routine and absolutely no feeling of stability. I have been awash in a whirlwind of confusion and a storm of uncertainty.

It has, in the last weeks, really started to get to me. I'm going more than a little crazy at all the unknowns.

Long term, nothing has happened. My position one year from now is still a mystery to me. Two years, even more so.

But pretty soon, I will be re-entering a place of at least day-to-day consistency. School is starting up for districts around here, and after a while I'm hopeful that I'll start to get some sub calls. That first day will be a terrifying ordeal. The next one, not quite so much. And after nine or ten, I really think I'll either be getting the hang of it or be ready to run screaming. Either way, it won't be an unknown any more.

In addition, my part-time post at a small Catholic school in northern Kentucky will be starting soon. Again, the first day will be a terror for me, but soon after, it will become a known quantity. Some days subbing, some days teaching music...some days, doing nothing at all. But I will have a life of sorts again.

I am going to be a nervous wreck for the next couple weeks, or the next month maybe, until all of this settles into 'normal'. But then it will definitely be time to celebrate. And I will need it by then.

Of course, the other big stuff I keep alluding to is likely going to have something to say about all that...but...one thing at a time. One thing at a time.

Into the breach we go.

Matt

Let's Go Already

Clock is ticking on the beginning of a new adventure. The next couple of weeks are going to be frantic. Steph is working every day, she has to find time to get her preschool classroom ready, I have to keep contacting districts to let them know I exist, of course the kids are still here.

The daily craziness aside, I feel good. A little scared at the new challenge I am planning to undertake, but looking forward to the time when it starts to feel normal and I can just live. In general, I feel the best I've felt in months. Hooray for making the right choices.

I suppose the big symbolic news is that after about 3am Friday morning I will...hmmm...what's a good metaphor...let's say I will no longer have my hand in the devil's wallet.

Other things are on the horizon too - check back soon for more news.

Matt

Freedom

Just wanted to express the joy I feel being free of Facebook. On several occasions today, in between filling out sub applications, I nearly clicked on facebook out of habit. Then, upon remembering that I didn't have to do it any more, I felt this surge of excitement at all the things I could do INSTEAD. It felt really good. Scary how much time I wasted on that thing.

Okay, okay. I know, shut up already. Sorry. I just hadn't expected that particular reaction. And it's not like I filled up that time with anything else particularly worthwhile anyway. I can imagine the possibilities I'd open to myself if I gave up the internet altogether. I think...I could rule the world.

Anyway, things continue to be going well around here. My mood fluctuates from petrified to excited about 50 times a day. The one thing I don't feel is calm. I look forward to calm again. I really do. Someday. Someday. But it certainly beats depressed.

God bless all,
Matt

Irony

I spent over 3 months in turmoil actively and frantically looking for a job. My first job offer, way back in...April? May? Don't even remember now...I had to turn down because there were just too many questions about the location of that job and its suitability for my family. The second job I was offered was one I truly wanted. However, realities of finance and real estate prevented us from being able to make the move to accept that position. At that point we were sad, truly sad about moving...but ready for the excitement and adventure of starting over...it was the definition of bittersweet. Turning it down this time was not something I enjoyed having to do. We liked the location, we liked the people, we would have done it in a heartbeat. We just couldn't. The last job I was offered was not a teaching job. And the thought of taking that one put me into a panic - my being again (as it had in a similar situation back in 2003) rejected the idea and forced me to look deep within myself at what I truly wanted and was willing to accept and sacrifice.
So here I am. August has come, and I still have no job. And yet I couldn't stand the idea of being out of the education business any longer. So I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do...I'm going to sub. God help me, I'm going to sub wherever they'll take me, because I am a teacher and I need to be in a school to be fully realized. We're not sure exactly how we'll make ends meet but we are trusting in God to provide and our support net to catch us if we fall. Who knows? Maybe subbing will be so miserable that I'll never want to enter another school again. Then I'll finally be ready to leave. But somehow...I don't think so. I think, in some sick twisted way...this is going to be fun.
So the irony is that I spent all this time looking and looking for a job. And now that I don't have one...I feel the best I've felt in months. Truly, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Praise be.

Thanks all for your thoughts and prayers. Let's do this.

Matt

Signing off

A few months ago, I started using facebook. I have railed against facebook in the past as I thought it was part of the machinery dismantling meaningful writing. I've rehashed that several times. No need to do it again. Check the archives. I joined up finally in order to perhaps gain some networking and make some connections in the search for a new job. Several suggestions made to me on facebook actually did lead to some opportunities, and for that I am thankful - but these suggestions were made by real life friends who I could have easily asked in person for help. Facebook really didn't make it happen.

Meanwhile, I found myself wasting more and more time on the infernal machine, and found myself becoming addicted to talking about myself in small meaningless fragments. It sucked me in just like everyone else. I found myself judging the worth of what I said by the number of responses I got, and actually found myself disappointed when posts got ignored. I tried to get interested in other people's posts, but as life continued to be difficult, I at time became annoyed at other people's carefree and easy-going attitudes...and even when not annoyed, I just couldn't get emotionally connected to anyone's soundbites. And yes, there were times when I posted drama in search of emotional support, and some good friends responded how they could. And I am truly grateful for that. But 2 typed sentences on a page are a poor poor substitute for a reassuring hand on your shoulder, or a shared look of understanding, or the presence of another human being.

So Facebook pretty much let me down. And that's fine. I owed it a try. I'm not disappointed, I'm not surprised. It is what it is. I need to get back to this blog, limited as it is. Because here, there is an audience of one. And it has been said that the best art is created for an audience of one. Not that this here thing is great art, but...I'm doing this to vent, to express myself in full paragraphs, to leave some kind of record of my life and the life of my family. And the life of my family is about big events, and complete thoughts, and unanswered questions...it's not about what I cooked for dinner on Tuesday. And I write, at the end of the day, for myself. To work out the experiences I have into some form of coherence. If anyone DOES choose to read, that's an added bonus, but not my intent and purpose. When I post on facebook, I'm screaming 'hey, look at me!' in the midst of hundreds of other people shouting the same thing. When I post here, I know that there are only 15-20 people at most who actually check it, but I know that those people care enough to read and think and take the time to enter my world long enough to be here with me in some way.

There are other reasons too. Frankly it would be too painful to sit reading posts from all my former colleagues as they go back to school while I am no longer a part of their world. Can't stand the thought of being reminded on a daily basis of what once was. But...at the end of the day, it just isn't a meaningful enough experience for me.

I mean, think about it. People in my life have gone through life-altering and devastating things in the past few months. But few on facebook know about it because facebook doesn't really allow for that kind of earth-shattering event to be documented. People know this. When the big stuff goes down, you turn to real people, right? The friends that are living, breathing people...not just a profile picture.

Okay, enough already. You're sick of hearing it. I will get to the point now. I am going back off of facebook. I thank those of you who stepped me through the past few months of struggle and transition. I look forward to your continued friendship via meaningful, thought-out conversation, be it electronically or in person. You know where to find me and I will always make time for my true friends. To those who lost interest...I don't blame you. My life is as boring as everyone else's when it's nothing but soundbites. I wish you all well.

Continue to check the blog for my thoughts and musings. It's not brilliant scholarship and it's not beautiful prose. But it's what I got and what I can give. As is my habit, I leave you with song lyrics. I have found it difficult to listen to the Flower Kings for the last few months. Very positive, uplifting music...but which failed to touch me the way more gritty stuff has recently. But they can sometimes pull off melancholy quite well. This song has a lot of personal meaning for me on many levels...as my summer of transition now turns to an entire year of transition, my road back home is becoming a lot longer than I thought it would be.


Thank you all for reading, I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right here if you need me. And after all, it's good to be alive.

Matt



"THE ROAD BACK HOME"
____________

Down to the crossroad with an open mind
Tails out tapes so please rewind
Do you mind if I me take a closer look
add my name in blood and then close the book...

Now, I don't regret so much what I said
but it's sad some of it stayed inside my head
Jumped the garden wall, climbed the learning tree
sleep the meadows green, high the memory

Like a slave to the grind
of my own tortured mind
I just look for a road back home.

Wheels of life turning endlessly,
like the rivers run to the sea.
Now I'm grateful to you and I tried to be true,
and after all, it's good to be alive

Bless my lucky star that you came my way
I picked up on most what you once said.
And it's always plain for the world to see
there's just one place where I long to be.

And I talked to the wind
where am I to begin
I just pray for the road back home

Wheels of time turning endlessly,
like the rivers run to the sea.
Now I'm grateful to you and I tried to be true,
and after all, it's good to be alive

More frustrations, more ruminations

A lot has happened since the last post. A lot of nothing.

I continue to be disappointed by administrators' lack of communication skills. I'm just old fashioned enough to feel like if someone comes into your office and talks to you about a job opening, you owe them the courtesy of an email rejection if nothing else. I don't want to harp on that, because I've never sat on the other side of the desk...but it's common courtesy. And you would especially think that people who are working at religiously-affiliated schools would have a worldview which included that level of compassion. I have been disappointed in a lot of people this month.

So, we move on. The first serious option outside of teaching has presented itself, and while it saddens me to have to consider that road, it is at least a meaningful, rewarding opportunity, and not just a desk job. We will see if anything comes of that interview in the next couple of weeks.

The recurring theme of the blog is my heartbreak over losing the possibility of long summer trips. Again, I try not to think about it, but the reality is closing in. Whatever happens, I will continue to keep that hope alive. My family's long adventures in 2007 and 2009 are etched in my memory, and the desire to get back out on another journey is a tangible need I can taste. Who knows what the future holds for us? Life is a long long road, and it remains to be seen whether my current situation is a dead-end, a detour, or an off-ramp. I hope to be back. I dearly hope for that.

In the meantime, I am faced with the brutal reality. Somewhere in the past year, my life changed from planning family trips to studying federal poverty guideline charts. Somewhere I went from talking about the beach to talking about bankruptcy. This is not the life I was expecting.

But it's my life, and it's life. And life, in all its trials and tribulations, is a beautiful thing. And this mess may get me down from time to time, and perhaps it's eating away at me more than I realize, but it will take more than this to break my spirit. I still thank the God of Heaven and Earth for the opportunity to be alive. I still have the most amazing and wonderful and incredible family...ummm...EVER. I am poor in finances but rich in everything else. Even with all the mess in my life, and the unknown, and the receding hairline...dare I say it...yeah, I do. You all wish you were me.

Take that, negativity.

Matt

A few moments

Things have been odd since returning from vacation.

The way home was difficult. You see, I believe in parallel universes. I think that somehow they all exist side-by-side, occupying the same space, and that most of the time, the difference between them is so small that it's not even noticeable. Yet sometimes, drastic things happen in one universe but not in another and it's times like these that perhaps lead to an odd feeling of unease or an unexplained shiver - and I like to think that deja vu is the result of us bumping up against another neighboring universe where the exact same thing happened not long ago.

Okay, before everyone creeps out, it's not that I necessarily believe all this literally but it's an interesting way to look at your life and the choices you have to make - and thinking that somewhere right there with you is another you who is living a life of different choices and different events...it puts a fresh perspective on the life that you ARE actually living.

I also tend to think that you gain strength from those neighboring selves, knowing that in this universe, you chose something that was chosen by so many other selves...which leads to the conviction that you are truly doing what is right for you.

Anyway. The point I'm driving to is...the drive home from HHI was truly the first time that I would have put great distance between myself and the me next door who wasn't put out of work. That other me, in the time between the last day of school and the last day at HHI, did the same things. We went to IN to shake down the trailer. We taught at VBS. We packed for a big trip. And we both went to HHI. But after that, the other me went on to a longer vacation in Florida, and for the first time, I was left without the comfort of those other selves. I know it sounds crazy, but at that point, I felt very alone in an unexplainable way.

Now that feeling has faded, as I have built up my own array of neighboring universes diverging from this one...and as many choices have had to be made in that time due to our flooded basement, the number of selves has increased rather quickly. But it's still an odd place to be in. If my theory is true, I would expect a bit of odd emotion again when the other me comes back from longer vacation, and certainly when the school year begins if I'm still without meaningful employment.

All the metaphysical hoohah aside, it's been tough keeping the kids entertained when our basement is unusable. But we're keeping at it the best we can.

As far as my mental outlook in general, it's not bad on a day-to-day basis. As I've said before, I can live with the thought of working a menial job for a period of time. I can live with and even embrace being a stay-at-home dad. I can accept a lot of changes in my life, but I still am heartbroken at the prospect of losing my ability to take long trips with my family across the country. I am keeping myself together on that front by not thinking about it, but the knowledge is there. And sometimes late at night it keeps me awake. Not for long, because I'm tired. But it's there. And it's the saddest thing I've had to deal with in a long time.

So, keep the prayers coming. Don't know what's ahead, but I'm being patient. For now.

Matt

Last day on the beach

All is still well. We have had a great week. The kids have been, aside from the expected exceptions here and there, remarkably well behaved, and everyone has gotten along great. We have had much needed together family time, and some much needed alone time as well. We have gotten away from the stress and mess of home, and I for one am refreshed and ready to return to face the challenges of a new life.

I was able to purchase a bunch of new music for this week, and I got to listen to some of it. Some people are interested in this, so I will put it all out there:

"Something's Coming" by Ty Tabor
"Born into Trouble as the Sparks Fly Upward" by A Silver Mt. Zion
"That Changes Everything" by Jonathan Kingham
"Hardcore Will Never Die but You Will" by Mogwai
"fixed::content" by Labradford
"The Millions Too Many" by A Northern Chorus
"Geogaddi" by Boards of Canada
"Riceboy Sleeps" by Jonsi and Alex
"Eingya" by Helios

Got to listen to all of the Mogwai album - nothing groundbreaking but thoroughly enjoyable. The Ty Tabor effort was perhaps his most solid from beginning to end...although a few of the songs really could have benefitted from a third verse. The Jonathan Kingham album is a style I don't usually delve into - pretty standard love-song fare...but very well written and I can certainly respect the songwriting craft. Got through about half of Boards of Canada. Still not entirely sure I 'get' their music, but it is interesting nonetheless. Got in about 3 songs of Helios - this was my one cold purchase - never heard a note of music from this artist but following a long twisty road of amazon recommendations led me here and I'm glad it did.

So, a very successful bulk purchase. And I still have some challenging music to look forward to on my return. Still have a desire to do some more in-depth album and music reviews on this blog in addition to the family updates. We'll see.

Love to all, blessings, prayers. More in a few days.