More thoughts

Today, I woke up and turned off the alarm and drove to work for the last time as a father of 2. Today is my last day of work. Tomorrow begins what has been variously called my "paternity leave", my "sabbatical", my "tour of insanity" and my "slippery slope of sleeplessness". (Okay, nobody called it that last one - just seeing if I can extemporize with alliteration. Not bad, huh?)

I was going to post this thought Tuesday night or Wednesday morning, but might as well do it now...who knows if I'll have time then? It's funny that it has happened this way, it really changes how you perceive the event. When we really thought that things would be happening unexpectedly, all of a sudden, without warning, our focus was on making sure we had all the stuff we'd need for the hospital, who'd watch the girls, all the logistical stuff. Now we've had time to put that all in place, and instead we're faced with a series of 'last times' that we're going to do things before the twins come. Which is always the way things sink in with me. Don't know if I can explain this, but...the night before my wedding, people kept asking me if it felt weird that I was getting married tomorrow...and the answer was no. It didn't feel weird, I'd been planning it forever, there was no doubt or uncertainty about the decision or about my love for Steph. But that night, it DID feel weird to think that it was the last night I'd ever be single. Now what is the fundamental difference in those two points of view? They're basically the same fact with different phrasing. I don't know what the difference is, but I felt the same way about the birth of our first two children, and here I am again, approaching that moment when I will no longer NOT be a father of twins, in a family of 6.

I suppose it could be this: My entire reality, everything that is 'normal' to me, is one day going to be a whiff of nostalgia. I can kind of remember what life was like before Mari. I can barely remember what life was like before Faith. I have no idea what life was like before Steph. The life that I'm living is obviously real to me, and yet it's about to begin a slow fade into obscurity. I feel like I'm being watched by a future me who is shaking his head with a smirk, knowing all that is about to happen to me.

Whatever it is, it's deep stuff. And it makes it even harder than usual to concentrate on putting together a play for 2nd graders. God bless them, they're doing a great job, and I am doing my best to help them prepare, but I have to confess that just this once, I'm not feeling too terribly awful about the lines they haven't learned, and I'm not panicking about getting everyone to the right place on time. Thank God DP is here.

Anyway, should probably go mentally prepare myself for work. One more day.

Matt