Steady Progress,,,and Orlando's Rat

I can not believe I have gone almost four months without posting here.

As in my last post, the silence again did not mean a major disaster had taken place.  It's just been busy around here.  You'd think that being underemployed would leave a person with lots of time but it never works out that way.  So, what's been happening?  Well, pretty much and nothing at all.  Let's try to recap:

I took an interview for a communications internship with Cincinnati Children's Hospital, thinking it would be good to get the interview experience.  It was my first professional non-teaching interview...well, ever.  To my  complete and total shock, I got the position.  So now I am working 10 hours a week helping one of the divisions within the hospital to communicate better within its various parts, and outward to the world.  The physical environment in which I work is "nightmare corporate" but the people are great, and I am able to overlook the cubicle atmosphere, knowing that beyond those walls is a children's hospital, which is something I can feel good about.  As I said, the people are wonderful, and I've been able to put some of my class skills into practice, along with actually being able to be creative and weird.  God bless these people for letting me express myself.  It's making it very fun.

My birthday came and went without any major life disasters, which is a major step up from the last two years.  I even managed to put together a small celebration at a local bar, and had a wonderful evening with my friends from various parts of my life.  When it comes to friends, I quote R.E.M. and say "I may not have much, but what I have is gold."

All in all, I continue to leave the past far behind.  And perhaps that's what has caused this gap in posting more than anything.  For so long this blog has become a dumping ground of negative thoughts, or at least a sounding board for seeping ruminations (way to mix metaphor there Matt).  And lately I have not felt any reason to complain.  The present is really pretty good.  The past no longer has a hold on me, I have meaningful, even if part time, work, I really like my classes and am being challenged just enough to make them enjoyable but not stressful, I love my classmates and enjoy working with them, and the future is once again tinged with hope.

A big milestone was reached last week.   While sitting at the office, chipping away at a work project, I randomly started thinking about my former colleague who even as I type this is teaching my former students at my former school.   And for the first time, this thought was not filled with bitterness, jealousy, envy, sadness, or even neutrality.  For the first time, I actually felt glad that it wasn't me doing that job any more.  For the first time, I was truly glad to be where I was, even with all I've given up.  The choice I made is feeling more right than ever, and every day brings me one step closer to closing that process for ever.

And what now?  Well, now, it's time to leave reality behind.  The kids are on spring break, and mom and dad are taking the family to Orlando for the week - it's theme park mayhem, supersaturated and overkilled.  I'd like to think I can post some updates here, but no promises.  Haven't been back to Orlando for a lot of years.  Probably no time this trip to drive up to the old stomping grounds and reminisce...but then again, what meaning does the place even hold for me as a former home any more?  I haven't lived there since...1989?  Still, it will be good to get away from here for a while, even if it will be insane.

Thanks for stopping by.  God Bless.

Matt

2013

Never fear, loyal readers (both of you)! All is well.  I know that often a big gap on the blog indicates a major disaster but this time it was just a case of a steady routine which didn't allow for much time for reflection.  But now I have a few minutes and have been meaning to say a few words at the year of 2012 which is finally laid to rest.

2012 started out with the pain of job loss still fresh in my mind and the hope for a new job still tangible and real.  2012 started out with me as a teacher.  And even as late as June or July, if you had told me I would have walked away from my previous career by year's end I would not have believed it.  Things really did happen that fast.  And now, as if cresting a hill, or going around a corner, that part of my life is no longer visible at all in the rearview mirror.

And where do I find myself?  In a good place.  Still a transition place, but I'm embracing that now. Finally.  Because at last I'm in a transition that is looking forward rather than looking back.  I posted a while back about the painful process of becoming something new.  I said that once you make the decision to change something fundamental about yourself, you are a dead man walking, because the new you hasn't been formed yet, and the old you is terminal.  Well, I can finally look at myself and say that the old me is dead, and not say it with bitterness or drama or even sadness.  Because the new me is forming, taking shape, and I can live there now.  The new me also still has a lot of unanswered questions, but that also means a lot of mystery and possibilities.  Odds are, 2014 will ring in without much change for me...but I think that by the end of 2014 I will see amazing changes and things happening, and this time it will be on my terms.  So this year is a year of consolidation, preparation, and continuing to grow and learn.

I still have some personal demons to work through, undoubtedly.  I talk about the past receding in the mirror, but the truth is, I haven't been looking in that mirror.  I avoided it for a long time, which is fine if you're making a beeline out of town.  But you can't drive safely without using those mirrors.  So I'm going to have to start looking back, not out of wistfulness or nostalgia, but because we can't move forward without having some knowledge of where we came from.  I am a new person, independent of my past and yet still a product of my experiences.  Riverside sings "With open arms I'm standing out against my past" and I needed to do that for a while.  But even the protagonist of their Reality Dream Trilogy eventually realized the need to incorporate that past self into the new present.  I'm feeling very close to being able to let the past back in, without it being a source of pain.

So.  Onward to 2013.  God bless all of you in the coming year, and thanks for reading!

Matt

Parenting DOES Suck that Much

Parenting can be tough.

Robby and Hannah have been struggling a lot this year at preschool.  And Steph and I know it's totally our fault.  I take a lot of the blame upon myself.  When life got turned upside-down 19 months ago I became a computer recluse, out of necessity.  In my mind, I had to spend every waking hour on the internet searching for jobs, applying for jobs, figuring out the finances, salvaging our future.  And to an extent, that was true.  But as is often the case in these situations, doing so led me into some bad bad habits.  I got used to letting the kids entertain themselves while I did "important" stuff.  And they got used to only getting attention when someone started screaming so loud that I couldn't concentrate on my work any more.  Basically I became a Steve Reich parent, which is to say, minimal (music geek joke).

And now we're seeing the result of that with the twins unable to cope and emotionally immature.  Hannah is totally unpredictable in her moods and her reactions.  Robby has a temper unlike any of our other three.  And they're both stubborn enough to give me a run for my money at times.  

We've been trying to get back on track, but for a while we thought that "clamping down" would work, and in our defense, it worked with the first two kids.  But these two are different, not just in experience, but in their nature.  They don't respond the same way Faith and Mari did, and so we're having to learn to parent all over again.  We're in a system now of organized rewards and positive reinforcement, which is a great change from the typical "loss of privileges" program we were using before.

Is it working?  Maybe.  Hard to tell.  Hard for me as a parent to be patient.  But our house feels better lately, as I've been making a concerted effort to be more understanding and less vocal.  

Part of my problem has always been that as a kid I was able to get away with stuff.  I was sneaky and sly and always sort of amazed how gullible some grownups could be.  And so I think I project that onto my own kids, always assuming they're up to something.  And maybe sometimes they are, but I'm becoming aware that I'm overdoing it and accusing them of having motives that just aren't there.  

I guess I'm terrified of my kids pulling one over on me, and so I go out of my way to imagine every possible trick they're up to.  I need to get over it and realize that they WILL get away with stuff, and they WILL do things without me knowing it, and probably already have.  And when they do, I'll be no better or worse than any other parent out there.  

Vegetarianism Doesn't Suck That Much #2

More on having a vegetarian in the house.

Lunch.  Lunch can be your undoing if you're trying to eat healthy.  You're busy, you didn't plan ahead, you're hungry, and you just want to grab something and get back to the day.  This is where fast food thrives.  And in our house it's worse, because Steph hates lunch.  You may not understand how someone can "hate" lunch, but she truly has a deep seated, burning animosity towards the middle meal.

It's not pretty.

But she did come up with this healthy and addictive solution to the lunch dilemma, which is good for vegetarians and carnivores alike.

First of all, you need to learn this:  Hummus is your friend.  It's delicious, it's pretty good for you, it's relatively lo-cal, and it can save lunch.  Not to make this a commercial for Sabra, as I'm no hummus expert.  But I know that they have a ton of flavor varieties to keep things interesting:

Yes, currently, a rather absurd amount of fridge space is taken up with the mighty chickpea mash.  It's sad, but beautiful.  Anyway.  Here's your lunchtime solution.

Start with your favorite hummus variety.  I'm partial to the Supremely Spicy, or sometimes the Chipotle (totally ethnically confused but fusion can be yummy).  Get yourself a whole-wheat tortilla.  Slather it on to your heart's content.  Go ahead, pretend it's mayo or something.

Happy yet?  Okay, let's put some super-food on there.  Add some spinach leaves.  

Roll it all up.  You're done.

I used to think I needed cheese or some kind of meat on there too.  But I truly don't any more.  If you feel like you do need something more, go ahead.  Shredded mozzarella works nicely, or just pop a piece of string cheese in there.  Some shredded chicken would work, as would sliced turkey.  But at some point, try it as is.  A couple of these things is great.  Trouble is, I sometimes can't stop with two, because they're so dang good.  But if I dust off more than two I don't feel too guilty because...there's nothing bad in them.  

It's a simple way to keep lunch healthy.  Try it.  

Time-out on veggie posts

Pause the vegetarian rant for a post here.  Just updating things in life.

All in all, things are going very well.  Steph is adjusting to being back at work, I am adjusting to a new career path.  Looking back at some negative posts in the recent months, I am glad to say that I am no longer in that dark place.  Not saying there won't be relapses from time to time, but the sharp pain I was feeling back then has receded into a distant, vague discomfort which I truthfully don't even feel that often any more.  It creeps up and nags at the back of my memory from time to time, and there are certainly triggers, but I am feeling better and better about my choices and the path ahead.  I'm finding myself able to daydream about possible futures again, which is something I hadn't done for a long long time.  And it's good.

Also I need to take this time to give another shout out to my amazing wife.  Steph showed the patience of a saint in sticking with me through my trying times, and it just makes me fall even more deeply in love with her.  She's an amazing woman, and an amazing human being, and I am truly blessed to have ended up with her.  It's not self-deprecation when I say I can't imagine what she's doing with me - I'm an okay guy, but she's just so incredible...I'm the luckiest guy there is.

And my kids are pretty amazing too.  Steph and I have redoubled our efforts to be there for them, and it already seems to be paying off.  It's an unfortunate thing when life throws a negative lens in front of your face, and you start to see your own children through that lens - for a while all I could see were the problems and the troubles, which all kids have but I imagine always seem worse when they're your own kids.  But finally I'm being able to let go of these perfect expectations and see how wonderful and cool my kids are, despite all their flaws.  They deserve a much better dad than I've been and I'm trying to fix that.  I hope they can see it and that they will forgive the doofus I've been for a while.

So, life marches slowly on towards a still-unknown future.  But it's a good life as long as we're all together.  Thank God for all I've been given.  I'll always be grateful for those amazing gifts.

Matt

Vegetarianism Doesn't Suck that Much, #1

Now, don't let the title fool you.  I am not a vegetarian nor do I have any immediate plans to become one.  But Steph's commitment to that lifestyle and my role as primary food-preparer in the house has forced me to delve into that world.  And, as I mentioned in a previous post, I make it my business to only cook for her what I would eat myself.  So I've had to find ways to make food that doesn't completely suck for a life-long carnivore.

It's not as hard as you think.

There are a few guidelines to be explored here.  If I was organized and had time, I would present a well-organized list of things I've learned, but this is a haphazard blog from a haphazard life, so here goes the throwing of ideas against the wall, starting with meat substitutes.  I think I will do a series of my thoughts on vegetarianism as I think about them.

Meat substitutes are hit-or-miss.  Boca Burgers, Morningstar, Gardein, Quorn, Smart Sausage, there are a lot of brands, as well as a lot of varieties (tofu, seitan, etc) of ways to sub "stuff" into your recipes.  There is often no way to tell what will be good and what will not, and everyone's tastes will differ.

The first thing to realize is that any claim (from a recipe or the back of a box) that the "stuff" is indistinguishable from the real thing is a flat-out lie.  The best black bean burger is never going to fool you.  And usually, it's a matter of texture more than anything else.  That said, a lot of them are really pretty good, as long as you're not expecting the real thing.  Almost any veggie burger is going to be passable...especially if you load it up with lettuce, onion, tomato, and your other favorite toppings.  Morningstar does a lot of flavor varieties on their burgers and these are good for, well, variety.  Steph and I both are also big fans of the Morningstar buffalo wings (in actuality more like spicy chicken nuggets).  Again, often the key is to immerse them in something else.

I can remember back in my first successful weight loss regimen back around 2002, that one of my favorite lunches was a bowl full of romaine lettuce, a handful of crumbled up baked tortilla chips, 4-5 chopped up Morningstar buffalo wings, all tossed with salsa.  Buried in the other flavors and textures, the fake chicken blends in, just as it would in any restaurant salad.

But back to the original point - some you'll like, some you won't.  We tried Morningstar bacon and ended up throwing most of it out.  Maybe some things just don't translate.  But first of all, the darn thing looked like a child's drawing of bacon.  Secondly, the consistency reminded me more of a dried out Fruit Rollup...kind of a Meat Rollup gone horribly wrong.  But...the Morningstar breakfast sausage works great in a breakfast casserole, and is even perfectly edible by itself.  Again, not the same as real sausage, but it's pretty good as its own thing.  I just now tried Quorn for the first time and I'm very very impressed.  Consistency very close to chicken, with little flavor (meaning it will accept the flavor you give it and blend in).  Steph has had good experiences with SmartSausage, and I think she had some Soyrizo at some point.  But, she's never been a big fan of the crumbles that are meant to simulate ground beef.  There's no pattern to it, you just have to get out there and try everything, knowing that you'll be throwing away some food at some point.

And of course, there's the raw material.  Tofu just is never going to work in our family...or maybe I just haven't figured out the right way to do it yet.  All I know is Steph can't seem to choke the stuff down.  But, she has eaten tofu at a Thai restaurant and liked it very much.  Once again, it seems to be about drowning it in enough flavors to distract your mouth.  Seitan is better but still problematic.  We found a great recipe for fake meatballs using minced seitan, but when we tried to use it as a fajita "meat" Steph couldn't handle the slightly off flavor.  Experiment, be willing to try things in different contexts and preparations.

Recipes are also great - and the internet is full of an infinite variety of veggie burger and other substitute ideas.  Some will say that they're better than the real thing.  Whatever.  But some are so good that I usually end up having one "real" burger and one veggie concoction, just because it's good.  In the past year, I've discovered online several recipes that have become staples in our house.

BBQ Cheddar Chickpea Burgers
Black Bean Edamame Sliders
Veganomicon Chickpea Cutlets

None of these taste like real burgers or chicken breasts, but each is good enough that I have to admit, I decide to make them because I want them too.  They're just good.

So...discoveries like this tell me that even though I have no intention to stop consuming meat, I am to the point now where I can truthfully say, I COULD do it if I had to.

The other thing to realize is that sometimes, veggies can be enough.  More on that in the next post.

Matt

How your hobbies can save your life

Not gonna say too much here, but wanted to just mention this while I was thinking about it.

You may have noticed an uptick in the amount of food-related posts lately.  Not that this is ever going to become a food blog (I just don't have the time) but this is an important point to make.

One of my biggest struggles the past few weeks has been in re-establishing my personal identity.  I've been a music teacher for 13 years, and prior to that, for 4 years I trained to become one, and for 3 years before that I knew what I wanted to do.  20 years is a long time to wipe away in a single afternoon.  I created quite a big vacuum in my sense of self, and we all know that vacuums...suck.

Yes, I'm now in a program to become a "professional writer," but I still don't entirely know what that means yet.  And judging from the readings in our intro class, most professional writers don't know either.  And even if I did, I've only been on this path for a month or so.  You can see the imbalance.

There is always a particularly difficult thing about transitions in life.  There's a moment when you know that the person you are now, with the recent memories, experiences, and the subtle ways that your job has shaped you...that person is about to be replaced by someone else, a new you that no one really knows yet.  (And yes, I know that changes like this happen every day, but I would maintain that most of those day to day changes are so small as to go unnoticed over a period of many years - they are not stressful drastic changes.)  But the difficulty is that this new person isn't here yet, so the old you is still the only person you have to fill the self.  It's very hard to go around being this person who's about to disappear, this dead man walking.  It's surreal, it's painful, which is why I managed to rip that person out of myself and stuff it in the storage room.  But what are you left with?

Ah, now we get back to the post title.  I have found my hobbies to be suddenly massively important to me in the past month.  I've always been interested in learning new techniques and trying new ideas in the kitchen, but all of a sudden it seemed vitally, critically important to do so, as if my very being depended on it.  I had dabbled in songwriting, but suddenly the ideas were pouring out of me, and I actually took that horrifying step of passing my work on to someone to collaborate with.  I developed new hobbies - I'm becoming a respectable amateur mixologist, and I love it - there's a lot to learn about there.  Steph has been flustered with my sudden obsession with the fact that I was boring and needed to have something interesting for her to say about me.  Well, I think I get it now.  Those hobbies are bridging me through a time when I am empty of an established identity.  My self image is being filled by these side interests.  And...I really think this is a good good thing.

I had an epiphany recently that if I were to list my top 10 favorite activities in this world, sauteing onions would make the list.  Such a mundane thing to do, but...it's about beginnings, possibilities.  Everything is just getting started, and it's go time.  It's a transcendent thing.  I've always loved cooking in my own amateur way, but I never viewed it as being so spiritual before, and I never would have, if the absence of the rest of 'me' hadn't allowed my cooking 'self' to expand to fill the shape of my soul.  And I'm grateful for that.  And if I didn't have these hobbies to dive into and explore...I don't know how I could have made it through the past few weeks.

So I'll keep posting about food because I need to.  I might even some day share thoughts on songwriting.  I'll for sure start talking about the drinks I make.  Might even dabble in album reviews - been thinking about that for a long time.  Because right now all that stuff is who I am...and maybe it always was.

God bless,
Matt

Etofufee

It's the little things sometimes.

I made my first roux tonight.  Actually, I should say, "we made our first roux" because I had a lot of help.

Mari was my assistant chef, and yes, she stayed and stirred almost the entire time.  She has always been the most interested in the kitchen.

That said, for most people I would not recommend your first experience with a roux be a double-barrel roux duet.  I seriously would have probably burned them both without Mari's help.

But I'm pleased to report, it worked just like it's supposed to.  Got brown and thick and chocolate-looking, and when the veggies went in there it just turned into a brown, buttery, sticky gooey mess of freaking deliciousness.

Why did I have to do two?  Well, because my wife went vegetarian a year ago...and I like a challenge.  Thanks to Ivy's Feast for the recipe idea, adjusted for our family.

Soy sausage and tofu for Steph

Chicken and Andouille for the rest of us.

Let it not be said that she hasn't tried to love it, but Steph just can't get past the texture of tofu.  I get it.  It's not my favorite, but I've made it a personal mission since she went vegetarian that I won't cook her anything I wouldn't eat myself.  

The flavor of everything was fabulous, but Steph wasn't keen on the tofu in there.  I tried it, and it really didn't seem to fit with the etouffee but it was okay.  Steph has since told me that she would be happy just loading the darn thing up with veggies - I'll do that next time.  The meaty one was great, though.  And Mari was so proud to have been such a big part of our first attempt at cajun cooking:

She even helped make dessert - a family favorite, bananas foster.  She has always loved helping cut up the bananas.

This part is my job, though:

I hate that picture.  I look like someone took my head off and then reattached it too tight.  The point is, however, if you look close you can see a little blue flame going on.

Anyway, a fun night in the kitchen.  And fun to have a child who is so interested in cooking.  There's hope for us yet.

Matt

Another day

Steph has survived the first day of school and is doing fine.  And I have survived not having a first day of school.

Have I mentioned how amazing and wonderful my wife is?  She's being so kind and patient and helping me through the maze of emotions.  There are obviously good days and bad, and while I do feel pressure to pull things together sooner rather than later, I can assure you that all that pressure is self-applied.  Steph is showing the patience of a saint in helping me deal with the loss, and I will never be able to repay her.  I know if I was forced to deal with myself, I'd have been fed up long ago.

So I'm back into the mode of keeping myself busy.  Cooked some Moroccan tonight.  Things got crazy at the end, and I'm not used to being in food blog mode, so I forgot to take a photo of the finished product, but it was definitely a keeper.  Recipe can be found here:

Quick Moroccan Tagine

First time working with leeks.  Nothing to worry about.  They're kind of like giant green onions with no real flavor.  All the kids liked this meal, with the exception of Mari who simply will not accept chickpeas as the gift of heaven that they really are.  But they all loved the sauce which is great, because it was definitely exotic for them.  This one will be making more appearances at our house.

Which brings us to the next point.  I'm officially going to have to surrender my man card, because I'm starting up on Pinterest to help me keep track of recipes.  Yeah, that sentence has layers.  But seriously, I don't use cookbooks - who needs them when you have the internet?  But when I try to remember which of 25,000 spinach lasagna recipe I used 5 months ago, it's getting ridiculous.  So I need to get it all organized.  Steph will be helping me with that too.  I am not a choice cut of masculinity.  Ah well.

Progress

I am happy to report that things have calmed down since my last post.  I made it through the first assignment, and was able to find at least a couple of intelligent things to say.  I was also comforted to find out that several others in the class had the same sort of difficulties I did.  Knowing you're not alone helps quite a bit.

In the meantime, I continue to adjust to my new life.  Being back at grad school and walking around campus with all the young people makes me feel weird.  Training for a non-musical-non-teaching career feels very foreign still.  But it is making connections with enough parts of me to tell me that this is still probably the best option available, that there just may be a latent skill that I can market buried somewhere in here, and that this may be something I can enjoy.  In some ways I am glad that the classes are progressing slowly, but I also want to really have a chance to see what this is all about and stop discussing the theory.  The sooner I try my hand at the real thing, the sooner I know if I'm cut out for this.  So I'm trying to be patient.

I am also adjusting to having assignments and homework, and having 4 kids.  Time is at a premium.  And it's very hard for me to get an assignment on a Tuesday and know that I likely can't even touch it until Friday.  I am the opposite of a procrastinator.  I hate that feeling.  If it were up to me, I'd come home, get the assignment done by 3 in the morning, and relax the rest of the week.  I can't do that.  It's difficult for me.

As far as the emotional side...I've had talks with several people lately, and the fact is, I am only getting through the emotions by not thinking about any of it.  Not the healthiest way to deal with it but I'm afraid it's what I have right now.  I don't have the luxury to think about a Plan or a path.  All I can do is look straight down and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I can't look forward and I can't look back, one is too scary and one hurts too much.  All I've got is the present, and the present is actually okay right now - ironic that in previous posts I've lamented being stuck in the present.  Now it's saving me.  

I know that time heals, but I've never had to heal this big a wound.  I'm getting used to the idea that it might never actually heal, but that I'm going to simply learn to live with it.  There's a sadness that lives at the edge of my awareness and I can't see that anything is ever going to defeat that.  There was so much lost, stolen, given up...and really none of that can be replaced, ever.  Again it's funny how life has flipflopped.  I would say that teaching as a career is a collection of miserable moments that add up to feeling good about what you do.  Now, I'm entering a time of my life where the moments themselves aren't that bad at all - my day to day life is pretty pleasant.  But it's not going to add up to much.  Nothing is going to be as rewarding and satisfying as the last 13 years.  So again, I'm focusing on the moments.  The moments are all I've got.

I know this all sounds pretty grim.  Maybe it is.  All I know is that I'm managing the sadness, and I will continue to do so.  It should also be said that this blog has again become the repository for the negative feelings.  In some sense I have to vomit the sadness all over the screen here so I can function in the real world.  Exaggeration?  Hyperbole?  For sure.  But a kernel of truth.  Just accept anything you read here with a disclaimer that it's going to skew to the hopeless and is not a fair representation of my mental state at any given moment.

The fact remains, that life should be enough.  I may never again be as rewarded and as satisfied as I was previously, but I'm still alive, and that's a gift.  I will continue to try to remember that.

Matt

Someone talk me off the ledge

Oh.  My.  Lord.

It's been a long time since I've been in grad school.

Forget for the moment the fact that some punk working at the UC Bookstore called me "Sir" yesterday.

No, let's deal with the fact that I just got my first set of readings for my "Intro" class.  I read them. Or I think I did.  I remember starting them, and then there was a momentary blackness, after which I saw a stack of pages laying face down next to the page I was staring at.  I think I read them.  I really do.  But I'm not really sure what I just read.

Now.  Let's accept the fact that I'm coming from a vastly different discipline and career path than the rest of the class.  Let's accept the fact that even when reading about minutiae of musical subject matter, my head spins.  Let's accept the fact that I've never really been able to process these sentences that twist and turn and end up devouring themselves.  Accept all that and I'm still freaking OUT!

I just tried to explain it to Faith and Mari.  No, not explain the content, but explain why it was so hard.  (They think it's funny that Daddy has homework now.)  I told them that it would be like a person hearing them talk about the finer details of the various incarnations of My Little Pony throughout the years, when that person not only had never seen the show, but didn't actually even know what a TV show or even a pony was.  Then, that person would have to write 2 pages on what they had heard.

Nod and smile.  Nod and smile.

I've now had a couple drinks and am going to try again.  I have called in help from my friend who went through this program - hopefully she can provide the one thing I need right now...CONTEXT!  I am praying that things will turn slightly less academic soon - but I'm going to go down swinging either way.

Ugh.

Matt

From the GRE to Hawaiian history, all in one post!

Tomorrow I have to take the GRE again.  I'm a little nervous.  Don't get me wrong, I'm good at standardized tests and all that, I just feel a little old and I'm worried that my mind won't be as sharp as it used to be.  I just took a little mini-online practice preview - went okay, although I am TOAST on the math part.  But hopefully the writing program won't be too interested in that.

Otherwise, things continue.  The big girls are back in school now and Mari is adjusting pretty well so far to being at school all day.  She's been a little grumpy I suppose but nothing too intolerable.  Steph is gearing up for the start of her school year, and for the first time in a long time, I am not.  Friday would have been my first day at the part-time job I left.  I thought about it a couple times, but there are no regrets.

That's the one thing I think you can say about me.  I don't look back in regret.  Once a decision is made I commit to it and don't wonder about what could have been.  Doesn't mean I can't change my mind later if I think I made a mistake, but it's always about moving forward for me.  And while I consider it a strength of character, I suppose I can be a little bit extreme in my abandonment of the past.  And maybe that's a defense mechanism - I know that getting too close will hurt so I stay the hell away.  I've taken lately to, whenever I witness a poor musical performance, saying "It's not my problem anymore."  Which is a loaded statement.  On one hand, it's just my way of being flip and reminding myself that I'm something new now.  But there's some more depth to that statement.

It turns out that I had a lot more pride than I thought in being somehow 'officially' affiliated with the music world.   I have the same knowledge now that I did when I was still a music teacher, and I perform in more groups now than I did then, but somehow I now feel less qualified to speak on anything musical.  (I never really did feel qualified to speak too much about the education world, which again is telling.)  And I've never looked down on amateur musicianship or somehow felt like I was superior to anyone because of my title...and yet I feel like I have no business saying a damn thing any more when it comes to music.  I know that what happened was out of my control, but it's impossible to shake the notion that somehow I failed.  And I feel like if I go offering any opinion or advice, someone would have every right to question its worth.

Don't get me wrong, I know it's ridiculous and snobbish.  But I can't deny that it's there.

And there is also the temptation to sell the trumpet, trade the iPod for a Kindle and walk away from it for good.  But I know that's goofy and I'm taking steps to prevent that kind of attitude from taking hold.  Fact is, even though there are now times when I just prefer silence in the car, there are  an equal number of times I drive home from work, singing awfully along with a beautiful song and end up wiping tears from my eyes at the beauty and power of music.  Music is, and always will be, an addiction for me, and at the very least, a bad habit.  I can't stop.  If things ever did get to the point where I gave it up completely, I really would be killing more of me than I could ever hope to recover.  I'm not to that point yet.  There may be an awful lot of me that could do with a soul makeover...but I think there's still enough time to salvage what's there.  I'm going to keep trying.

And I'm going to keep trying my hand at creation.  A long time ago, there was a story.  As part of that story, King Kamehameha told me (don't ask, it's way too complicated) that I was not a creator.  I was a compiler, an arranger, an appreciator of what others create.  I was not an artist, I was an art critic.  I was not a composer, I was a listener.  That was my role in the universe, that was my essence, and that true happiness would be found by following that role - and that there was no shame in that role.  Of course, there was also the fact that my attempts at creation were so flawed that they endangered the very fabric of space and time.  But there are things I want to say and I'm going to keep working on ways to say them.  So far the results have been underwhelming.  But...no rips in reality yet, no temporal or spatial anomolies, so I think I'm going to keep on trying.  Maybe, just maybe, I can create something beautiful, instead of relying on others to do it for me.

We'll see.

Abort, retry, fail?

Well, never mind the added family member.

On Sunday we drove to Southern Indiana to pick up a rescue Boston Terrier.  We named him Mango and tried to integrate him with our family.  There were problems however.  He bit Hannah, bit the vet, and snapped at Robby.  Clearly this wasn't working out, so we had to take him back yesterday.

Now, only a 'dog person' can understand how I can say all that and then follow it up with "He was a sweet dog" but the fact is, he was.  He clearly wanted to please everyone.  In the days he was here he spent most of his time sitting loyally by one or another of us, or rolling over to have his belly scratched.  He was quiet as could be when he was crated, and clearly had had some degree of training before.  But he also had some previous issues and was very edgy with sudden movements or people coming up behind him.  There were extenuating circumstances behind each incident (our vet even apologized to US for what happened) but the fact remained, that this dog, sweet as he was, needed a calm, quiet house to work through his issues, and this is the one thing that we simply could not give him.  Hannah and Robby are just too young and excitable and we'd have been constantly worrying about what the dog would do.  We wanted a safe, comfortable family dog that we wouldn't have to worry about.  This was not the match we wanted.

He went back to his foster family who are wonderful, so we feel good about that.  But it was sad.  Faith especially really was very mature around him and very interested.  She'll be a good one to train the dog we eventually end up getting, whenever that is.

So, on to the next set of crises I suppose.

Matt

A few changes around here

Someone complained about the old pic, and about the color scheme, so I made a few alterations.  Probably I'll tinker with the site some more in the next few weeks but this is a good start.

The main pic is from a photo shoot we did in Hilton Head this summer.  "Can of worms" does not do justice to the act of trying to get all our kids to look in the general direction of the camera at the same time, let alone trying to get a few smiles out of them.  "Can of worms strung out on meth" maybe comes close.  So the fact that we got lucky enough to manage a few really good pics is a small miracle.

Might as well post some of the individual pics here too, because they're really good.  I'm a bad father because in the midst of this mess of my life, I haven't taken the time to pay attention to the fact that I have 4 beautiful kids.  (Admittedly part of that comes from the fact that they have not been behaving so beautifully of late...)  So for a moment let's celebrate the fact that somehow Steph and I created some adorable human beings.

Faith.  Like me, smiling on command is an awkward, unnatural process for her which produces mixed results at best.  Since I know her so well, I can tell you about this look.  Notice the eyes.  They're not really looking at the camera.  She's looking back at her siblings behind the camera, because SOMEone is getting to do something that she's not getting to do right now.  Something not fair is happening, and it's taking every ounce of self-control she has to not blurt out the injustice of it all and storm away from the camera.  God bless her, she still managed to put on a decent smile and look cute.  So....she's coming along.  Faith's obsessive concern for fairness and justice may very well lead her to a career as a superheroine.  I love her.

Mari.  Much more able to effect a natural smile.  Clearly that gene comes from Steph, not me, as witnessed by my expression in the main blog pic.  Mari has a very expressive face and I pray for the young men who may fall under its spell ten years from now.  Mari's eyes are right on the camera, because this is far more her element.  At home, she likes to put on plays and fashion shows where the strangeness of her movements is eclipsed only by her priceless sincerity.  She may look like she's doing avant-garde performance art, but in her mind it's graceful and fluid.  And with a face like that, I dare you to tell her otherwise.  I love her.

Robby.  Similar to Mari, I think he may leave a trail of broken hearts in his wake at some point.  If, that is, he can find something to talk about besides Mario.  I suppose it's my duty as a father to teach him some new subject matter that the ladies will find more interesting, but thankfully he's still very disinterested.  Robby also inherited from his father the unfortunate 'smiling when in trouble' gene.  Poor guy, it's not his fault.  I can remember the same thing.  This picture is not the best one of him, but I chose it because of that smirk.  Imagine how frustrating it is to be angry at this guy while he pulls out this look.  But still, I love him.

Oh Hannah.  Hannah, Hannah, Hannah.  She's the oddball in a family of oddballs.  I'd say she follows her own path, but that would imply some kind of direction.  She pretty much just goes.  This is her version of a smile.  We call it "Line Mouth".  Her other version of a smile is a ridiculous display of teeth which cause her eyes to squint shut...and for some reason it is usually accompanied by a 'thumbs up' which blocks the rest of her face.  So...Line Mouth works better for the pictures.  It saddens me to say that as I look into those eyes, I have no idea what they're thinking.  I haven't figured her out yet.  Other than to say she's just weird.  But I look back on the weird kids I remember from school, and most of them I thought were pretty cool.  So I think she'll be all right.  I love her.

And these guys.  Well...yeah.  This is the reason for it all.  This is the reason I get up in the morning.  I'm a lucky man.  I've got what I can only describe as a kick-ass marriage.  We should give seminars and charge lots of money to teach people what's common sense to us.  We're making it through this mess together.  And...we ARE going to make it.  I love her.  I love us.


Meanwhile....


Stay tuned for more big news.  Our family is going to be getting bigger....








(Umm, don't worry, it's not THAT!)

Note to self

Next time I make a drastic career change and decide to go back to grad school, don't wait until all the deadlines have passed to do it.  I have made things complicated by not thinking of this a couple weeks sooner.  Just trading one set of stresses for another - but these stresses are concrete and workable...and distinctly temporary.

Hard to believe that two weeks from now I'll be on my way home from my first class in around 7 years.

Not much to say tonight, exhausted from the warehouse job and have another 10-hour shift tomorrow.  Getting too old for this.  I feel like the "Time to make the donuts" guy but instead of making donuts, I'm filling boxes with construction paper.  Not as tasty...but high fiber, I guess.

Matt

Help me name this dish

I cook.

Pretty much, I'm relatively handy in the kitchen, but I can not claim to be a "composer" of meals in any way. I am an arranger.  I need a recipe.  I don't know enough yet to putter through my kitchen or wander through the produce section and have a dish assemble itself in my mind.  I'm good at recognizing a quality recipe, and I can add touches of my own to what's already there, but I just can't start from scratch.

But I'm improving.  I'm learning things.  I'm finally figuring out which ingredients I need to measure meticulously and which ones I can eyeball.  I'm learning which substitutions are acceptable in a pinch.  And I'm getting solid at the techniques I need to do all the basics.

However, this dish I sort of threw together myself a few months ago and it's become a staple.  Pretty simple.  Loads of veggies, doused liberally with olive oil and dotted with butter, roasted in the oven until they're soft and browned up.  This time I used zucchini, squash, onions, some peppers we roasted earlier in the day, some carrots, and some peas.  Broccoli would work too, or anything you like.  Throw some garlic in there too, hit it with some of Colonel De's Washington State Solar Evaporated Sea Salt, and some Italian seasoning of your choice.

Yum.

Boil up your favorite pasta, and top it with a heaping gop of the veggie mixture and some parm.

Kids love it.  Hannah even asked for some extra veggies without the spaghetti.

So, the question is - what do I call this?  I want something catchy, more exciting than "Veggie Spaghetti".  Any suggestions?  I'll give you a writing credit....

Resolution

I have been on a series of wild mood swings.  Understandable, of course, but it's time to grab that pendulum and pull it to the center.  I'm determined to stop being such a pain to deal with.  I am blessed with a wonderful wife who will support me to the ends of the earth, and she'd never dream of showing her frustration, but I know all this is wearing on her.  It's time to stop letting the things that are out of my control continue to affect the things I can control - being a good husband and father.

I love you, Steph.  I'm taking charge of my moods and giving up the simpering and whimpering.  What the hell good does it do to turn a corner and start down a new road if I'm still looking back?  I've been taking advantage of the fact that you'll always listen to my wallowing. Just because you'd listen to it as long as I need it doesn't mean I should keep expecting it of you.  Please understand that I'm cracking down on my own whining, not because you can't handle it, but because I just can't stand to do this to you any more.  Our old life is gone, but there's a new one ahead, and it's time for me to embrace it and let it start, for the love.

My issues have gotten ridiculous.  You've waited over a year for my life to come together.  I can't make you wait another day.  I want to give you something good to talk about.  The new me starts now.

Matt

The Day After

For those of you looking for "THE" post, it's one below.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  Already coming out of the cloud a bit.  Envisioning possible new futures, which is something I honestly haven't done for a long time.  Getting myself used to the idea of being a student again.  Don't get me wrong, I like taking classes. But...it is a source of a recurring unpleasant dream.

Most people have the 'I'm in my underwear' dream, or the 'I try to run but my feet won't go fast enough' dream.  My version has always been, I'm in college, taking a class, and I suddenly am aware that I've had months and months to work on this paper, it's due tomorrow, and I haven't even done the necessary reading let alone started writing it.  Not enjoyable in the least.  Steph makes fun of me because I start working on papers and projects as soon as I can.  She's always been a procrastinator.  She thinks I'm a dork (which, duh...) but the fact is, I just hate having that thing hanging over me.  I want it done.  I like writing, but the blank page is intimidating.  Especially when it's an assignment. 

But aside from that, I like the idea of going back to class.  And somehow, amazingly, having sat down and crunched the numbers a bit, the finances for this seem to be a lot less grim than I had thought.  Yeah, taking out another student loan is not what we wanted to do, but we have a lot of money put away which we can now put to good use.  Not thrilled about draining the reserves but...that's what they're there for, right?

But what I really wanted to talk about was that this morning, an odd thing happened.  A wonderful thing.  For almost two years now, waking up has been a stressful event for me.  I think I may have even mentioned it in a post a ways back.  Sometimes I wake up and realize that my mind is already going 90 mph obsessing about my situation.  I literally have started worrying before I woke up.  But even worse were the times when I would have a brief moment of amnesia - waking up, my mind truly empty and at rest...and then invariably, within 5 seconds, I could feel the weight of the situation clamp down on my peace and drain it from my system.  It's become a routine and I hardly noticed it any more.  But it was like a grey cloud cover on my day.  It's hard to recover from that.

This morning, my mind was already going when I woke up, out of habit.  It was running all the old scenarios and concerns from a week ago.  But then, for the first time in over a year, I remembered what was REALLY happening, and...the weight LIFTED.  I felt better, not worse.  "Oh yeah, I don't have to worry about that anymore."  It was a bit...euphoric. 

So I think if there was any doubt about this being the right thing to do, it's already fading away. 

In a rush this morning, gotta run.  More later perhaps.  God bless.
Matt

Not with a bang...

And so after 13 years of service to music education, I have decided to close the door.  My teaching career is over, cut short by economics, politics, and some bad luck.  It is truly a sad day, but to a degree it's a sadness coupled with relief - perhaps like that damned 107 year old aunt who kept hanging on as if just to prove the doctors wrong.  She's dead, at long last.

I am still processing all I've lost.  In some ways, as long as I was still a teacher, I had a certain amount of innocence about me.  Funny thing to say about a 36 year old with a penchant for faux-macabre. But it's true, I was still a bit of an innocent.  I worked with kids all day and loved it.  Even up to my last interview I still told some principal what was the solid truth - that I loved working with kids and I loved their life and energy, and the surprises around every corner.  I don't know if that will ever be replaced.  

The sad fact is also that I haven't been the same since all this went down over a year ago.  A little spark has gone out of me, a little of the 'fire' that I mentioned in a previous post has indeed burned out.  And the fire imagery is good, because the campfires that had become so symbolic of our love of trailer life have now also gone out once and for all.  The trailer will be sold - to help make ends meet, and since the luxurious days of month-long summer trips are now a thing of the past.

I'm not who I was.  I held on to the old me as long as I could, and as long as I thought there was a way to get back to that me.  But it really all just blew out of me in a single evening last week.  I had ideas.  I had plans for how to survive like this.  But I suddenly couldn't go on another day surrounded by people telling me why things couldn't happen, and trying to push all that was important to me to the margins of their world, all while paying lip service to how important my work was to them.  I couldn't stand being used and ignored all at once.  As I mentioned in another previous post, I was invisible.  When I went to work, the 'real' teachers left.  I was unofficial, I barely counted.  Last year I worked in 3 schools and was only technically employed by one of them.  I belonged nowhere.  And that really started to make me feel small and insignificant.

So sadly, the fact is I've walked away from nothing.  I had nothing.  And when it came down to it, I finally had to face the fact that it had gotten so miserable that the only thing keeping me hanging on was the freedom of lifestyle that I enjoyed.  What a terrible reason to stay.  Give me credit for that at least - I respected my profession enough to walk away from it when I knew I would become a detriment.

But I've walked away from an ellipsis, or perhaps an empty set of parentheses (great Sigur Ros album, by the way) into a big question mark.  A huge question mark made up of thousands of little question marks, all made out of some bizarre new substance that I don't know how to work with.  I've replaced an empty future with one that is strange and foreign to me, one that I don't know anything about surviving in.  And all at a time when I have very few friends left to help me find my way.  I may be making a huge mistake.  But I just couldn't stand sitting in my life's waiting room any more.  Remember "Oh the Places You'll Go?"  I was so stuck in the Waiting Place.  I may be under attack from question marks right now, but at least I can take some control by answering those questions, and shooting down those little question marks, one...by...one   (and you know it's bad if I'm using gun imagery).
So what will I do?  I'm applying to the Professional Writing and Editing program at UC.  People tell me I'm a good writer.  I guess we'll find out.

I am terrified at what lies ahead.  I am sad about what I've lost, about what was stolen.  And my mood is certainly going to fluctuate in the days, weeks, and months ahead.  At my lowest, I'm going to feel, much like I do right now - lost, disconnected, having cut off my past without a clear future, existing in a void of eternal present, with no context in which to view my life.  But I know there will be better times, times when I will be driven to clear a path into that future, to make for myself the best I can with what I've been given, with a heavy dose of sarcasm, but nary a trace of self-pity.

So as Don Henley sang, "This is the end of the innocence" I suppose.  And maybe the old me is truly dead.  But I have hopes that I can create a new me.  And maybe, just maybe...the new me will be an improvement.

As always, I look to the words of songs for solace and inspiration.  I suppose if I were a deadhead I'd say "What a long strange trip it's been..."  But it's more appropriate for me to look to Spock's Beard and Neal Morse, artists who parted ways and have had to tread new paths for themselves after difficult and life-altering events.  I leave you with the entirety of Spock's Beard's "Rearranged" and a short excerpt from Neal Morse's "Crossing Over".

I have never been in this
For all the fortune and fame
All i ever wanted
Was to be in the game
A part of something bigger
Something bigger then me
Inspired by love of the moment
And being what i was born to be

Sometimes a dream gets wasted
Sometimes it all just falls and fades away
And you may feel you've made it
Then in a flash it all gets rearranged

Deaf dumb and stupid
Or am i just plain nice
Live and let live was a mantra i used
More then once or twice
Thought i had it all going on
Thought i was cruising in 5th gear
In a snap it all went out of control

Everything that was so normal now seemed
So confusing and weird
Now the live and let live
That was so safe in my heart
Didn't feel that sincere
Giving all that i had
Doing right i believed
I'll just go cry in my beer
I blinked my eyes and i had a new life
This much is clear

Sometimes a dream gets wasted
Sometimes it all just falls and fades away
And you may feel you've made it
Then in a flash it all gets rearranged

And what were my choices?
Just go it alone?
That's not what the script read
Stay in the zone?
It's just getting started
About to explode
And when you've reached the top
Don't forget where you came from

Sometimes a dream gets wasted
Sometimes it all just falls and fades away
And you may feel you've made it
Then in a flash it all gets rearranged

______________________

And so the journey starts
Communion of our hearts
He led me to a place beside the water
And as our season grew
The time came when I knew
My path led from among my band of brothers

And I can't describe how hard it was
Or how much we loved each other...

But to go on with the summer
On with the tide
To go on I must surrender
The fullness of my life
And I'll love you forever
But I must say goodbye
To go on I must cross over
A voice says deep inside
Carry on
Carry on
Carry on
Carry on 

So starts the new chapter.  I'm sad and scared.  But it's time.  Steph is with me, by my side as I push the "Publish" button.  I guess that word has a new meaning to me now. Let's do this.

Matt

Great things are afoot

I'm not sure where that post title comes from.  I think it's possibly from Slartibartfast, in "Life, the Universe, and Everything" but I'm not positive about it.  Suddenly this kind of literary reference means more to me than it used to.  I'll actually have to check.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have again been lax in my updates.  Hasn't seemed to be much point lately.  That is definitely going to change.  I know I've said it before, but...this time it's different.  A decision has been reached, a corner has been turned.  Sad moments are ahead, but so are new challenges and possibilities.  A few official niceties have to be taken care of, but then the announcement will be forthcoming on the blog here - within the week.

When change comes, it sometimes comes fast.  Stick around, anyone who's left.  Although...now that I think of it, this blog only has one follower...and that person already knows.

I recall with irony the closing of Andromeda's song "Encyclopedia":

"The world is listening now, John Doe,
 Come back and reap what you have sown."

Here goes nothing.

Matt