Irony

I spent over 3 months in turmoil actively and frantically looking for a job. My first job offer, way back in...April? May? Don't even remember now...I had to turn down because there were just too many questions about the location of that job and its suitability for my family. The second job I was offered was one I truly wanted. However, realities of finance and real estate prevented us from being able to make the move to accept that position. At that point we were sad, truly sad about moving...but ready for the excitement and adventure of starting over...it was the definition of bittersweet. Turning it down this time was not something I enjoyed having to do. We liked the location, we liked the people, we would have done it in a heartbeat. We just couldn't. The last job I was offered was not a teaching job. And the thought of taking that one put me into a panic - my being again (as it had in a similar situation back in 2003) rejected the idea and forced me to look deep within myself at what I truly wanted and was willing to accept and sacrifice.
So here I am. August has come, and I still have no job. And yet I couldn't stand the idea of being out of the education business any longer. So I'm going to do something I never thought I'd do...I'm going to sub. God help me, I'm going to sub wherever they'll take me, because I am a teacher and I need to be in a school to be fully realized. We're not sure exactly how we'll make ends meet but we are trusting in God to provide and our support net to catch us if we fall. Who knows? Maybe subbing will be so miserable that I'll never want to enter another school again. Then I'll finally be ready to leave. But somehow...I don't think so. I think, in some sick twisted way...this is going to be fun.
So the irony is that I spent all this time looking and looking for a job. And now that I don't have one...I feel the best I've felt in months. Truly, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Praise be.

Thanks all for your thoughts and prayers. Let's do this.

Matt

Signing off

A few months ago, I started using facebook. I have railed against facebook in the past as I thought it was part of the machinery dismantling meaningful writing. I've rehashed that several times. No need to do it again. Check the archives. I joined up finally in order to perhaps gain some networking and make some connections in the search for a new job. Several suggestions made to me on facebook actually did lead to some opportunities, and for that I am thankful - but these suggestions were made by real life friends who I could have easily asked in person for help. Facebook really didn't make it happen.

Meanwhile, I found myself wasting more and more time on the infernal machine, and found myself becoming addicted to talking about myself in small meaningless fragments. It sucked me in just like everyone else. I found myself judging the worth of what I said by the number of responses I got, and actually found myself disappointed when posts got ignored. I tried to get interested in other people's posts, but as life continued to be difficult, I at time became annoyed at other people's carefree and easy-going attitudes...and even when not annoyed, I just couldn't get emotionally connected to anyone's soundbites. And yes, there were times when I posted drama in search of emotional support, and some good friends responded how they could. And I am truly grateful for that. But 2 typed sentences on a page are a poor poor substitute for a reassuring hand on your shoulder, or a shared look of understanding, or the presence of another human being.

So Facebook pretty much let me down. And that's fine. I owed it a try. I'm not disappointed, I'm not surprised. It is what it is. I need to get back to this blog, limited as it is. Because here, there is an audience of one. And it has been said that the best art is created for an audience of one. Not that this here thing is great art, but...I'm doing this to vent, to express myself in full paragraphs, to leave some kind of record of my life and the life of my family. And the life of my family is about big events, and complete thoughts, and unanswered questions...it's not about what I cooked for dinner on Tuesday. And I write, at the end of the day, for myself. To work out the experiences I have into some form of coherence. If anyone DOES choose to read, that's an added bonus, but not my intent and purpose. When I post on facebook, I'm screaming 'hey, look at me!' in the midst of hundreds of other people shouting the same thing. When I post here, I know that there are only 15-20 people at most who actually check it, but I know that those people care enough to read and think and take the time to enter my world long enough to be here with me in some way.

There are other reasons too. Frankly it would be too painful to sit reading posts from all my former colleagues as they go back to school while I am no longer a part of their world. Can't stand the thought of being reminded on a daily basis of what once was. But...at the end of the day, it just isn't a meaningful enough experience for me.

I mean, think about it. People in my life have gone through life-altering and devastating things in the past few months. But few on facebook know about it because facebook doesn't really allow for that kind of earth-shattering event to be documented. People know this. When the big stuff goes down, you turn to real people, right? The friends that are living, breathing people...not just a profile picture.

Okay, enough already. You're sick of hearing it. I will get to the point now. I am going back off of facebook. I thank those of you who stepped me through the past few months of struggle and transition. I look forward to your continued friendship via meaningful, thought-out conversation, be it electronically or in person. You know where to find me and I will always make time for my true friends. To those who lost interest...I don't blame you. My life is as boring as everyone else's when it's nothing but soundbites. I wish you all well.

Continue to check the blog for my thoughts and musings. It's not brilliant scholarship and it's not beautiful prose. But it's what I got and what I can give. As is my habit, I leave you with song lyrics. I have found it difficult to listen to the Flower Kings for the last few months. Very positive, uplifting music...but which failed to touch me the way more gritty stuff has recently. But they can sometimes pull off melancholy quite well. This song has a lot of personal meaning for me on many levels...as my summer of transition now turns to an entire year of transition, my road back home is becoming a lot longer than I thought it would be.


Thank you all for reading, I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right here if you need me. And after all, it's good to be alive.

Matt



"THE ROAD BACK HOME"
____________

Down to the crossroad with an open mind
Tails out tapes so please rewind
Do you mind if I me take a closer look
add my name in blood and then close the book...

Now, I don't regret so much what I said
but it's sad some of it stayed inside my head
Jumped the garden wall, climbed the learning tree
sleep the meadows green, high the memory

Like a slave to the grind
of my own tortured mind
I just look for a road back home.

Wheels of life turning endlessly,
like the rivers run to the sea.
Now I'm grateful to you and I tried to be true,
and after all, it's good to be alive

Bless my lucky star that you came my way
I picked up on most what you once said.
And it's always plain for the world to see
there's just one place where I long to be.

And I talked to the wind
where am I to begin
I just pray for the road back home

Wheels of time turning endlessly,
like the rivers run to the sea.
Now I'm grateful to you and I tried to be true,
and after all, it's good to be alive

More frustrations, more ruminations

A lot has happened since the last post. A lot of nothing.

I continue to be disappointed by administrators' lack of communication skills. I'm just old fashioned enough to feel like if someone comes into your office and talks to you about a job opening, you owe them the courtesy of an email rejection if nothing else. I don't want to harp on that, because I've never sat on the other side of the desk...but it's common courtesy. And you would especially think that people who are working at religiously-affiliated schools would have a worldview which included that level of compassion. I have been disappointed in a lot of people this month.

So, we move on. The first serious option outside of teaching has presented itself, and while it saddens me to have to consider that road, it is at least a meaningful, rewarding opportunity, and not just a desk job. We will see if anything comes of that interview in the next couple of weeks.

The recurring theme of the blog is my heartbreak over losing the possibility of long summer trips. Again, I try not to think about it, but the reality is closing in. Whatever happens, I will continue to keep that hope alive. My family's long adventures in 2007 and 2009 are etched in my memory, and the desire to get back out on another journey is a tangible need I can taste. Who knows what the future holds for us? Life is a long long road, and it remains to be seen whether my current situation is a dead-end, a detour, or an off-ramp. I hope to be back. I dearly hope for that.

In the meantime, I am faced with the brutal reality. Somewhere in the past year, my life changed from planning family trips to studying federal poverty guideline charts. Somewhere I went from talking about the beach to talking about bankruptcy. This is not the life I was expecting.

But it's my life, and it's life. And life, in all its trials and tribulations, is a beautiful thing. And this mess may get me down from time to time, and perhaps it's eating away at me more than I realize, but it will take more than this to break my spirit. I still thank the God of Heaven and Earth for the opportunity to be alive. I still have the most amazing and wonderful and incredible family...ummm...EVER. I am poor in finances but rich in everything else. Even with all the mess in my life, and the unknown, and the receding hairline...dare I say it...yeah, I do. You all wish you were me.

Take that, negativity.

Matt

A few moments

Things have been odd since returning from vacation.

The way home was difficult. You see, I believe in parallel universes. I think that somehow they all exist side-by-side, occupying the same space, and that most of the time, the difference between them is so small that it's not even noticeable. Yet sometimes, drastic things happen in one universe but not in another and it's times like these that perhaps lead to an odd feeling of unease or an unexplained shiver - and I like to think that deja vu is the result of us bumping up against another neighboring universe where the exact same thing happened not long ago.

Okay, before everyone creeps out, it's not that I necessarily believe all this literally but it's an interesting way to look at your life and the choices you have to make - and thinking that somewhere right there with you is another you who is living a life of different choices and different events...it puts a fresh perspective on the life that you ARE actually living.

I also tend to think that you gain strength from those neighboring selves, knowing that in this universe, you chose something that was chosen by so many other selves...which leads to the conviction that you are truly doing what is right for you.

Anyway. The point I'm driving to is...the drive home from HHI was truly the first time that I would have put great distance between myself and the me next door who wasn't put out of work. That other me, in the time between the last day of school and the last day at HHI, did the same things. We went to IN to shake down the trailer. We taught at VBS. We packed for a big trip. And we both went to HHI. But after that, the other me went on to a longer vacation in Florida, and for the first time, I was left without the comfort of those other selves. I know it sounds crazy, but at that point, I felt very alone in an unexplainable way.

Now that feeling has faded, as I have built up my own array of neighboring universes diverging from this one...and as many choices have had to be made in that time due to our flooded basement, the number of selves has increased rather quickly. But it's still an odd place to be in. If my theory is true, I would expect a bit of odd emotion again when the other me comes back from longer vacation, and certainly when the school year begins if I'm still without meaningful employment.

All the metaphysical hoohah aside, it's been tough keeping the kids entertained when our basement is unusable. But we're keeping at it the best we can.

As far as my mental outlook in general, it's not bad on a day-to-day basis. As I've said before, I can live with the thought of working a menial job for a period of time. I can live with and even embrace being a stay-at-home dad. I can accept a lot of changes in my life, but I still am heartbroken at the prospect of losing my ability to take long trips with my family across the country. I am keeping myself together on that front by not thinking about it, but the knowledge is there. And sometimes late at night it keeps me awake. Not for long, because I'm tired. But it's there. And it's the saddest thing I've had to deal with in a long time.

So, keep the prayers coming. Don't know what's ahead, but I'm being patient. For now.

Matt

Last day on the beach

All is still well. We have had a great week. The kids have been, aside from the expected exceptions here and there, remarkably well behaved, and everyone has gotten along great. We have had much needed together family time, and some much needed alone time as well. We have gotten away from the stress and mess of home, and I for one am refreshed and ready to return to face the challenges of a new life.

I was able to purchase a bunch of new music for this week, and I got to listen to some of it. Some people are interested in this, so I will put it all out there:

"Something's Coming" by Ty Tabor
"Born into Trouble as the Sparks Fly Upward" by A Silver Mt. Zion
"That Changes Everything" by Jonathan Kingham
"Hardcore Will Never Die but You Will" by Mogwai
"fixed::content" by Labradford
"The Millions Too Many" by A Northern Chorus
"Geogaddi" by Boards of Canada
"Riceboy Sleeps" by Jonsi and Alex
"Eingya" by Helios

Got to listen to all of the Mogwai album - nothing groundbreaking but thoroughly enjoyable. The Ty Tabor effort was perhaps his most solid from beginning to end...although a few of the songs really could have benefitted from a third verse. The Jonathan Kingham album is a style I don't usually delve into - pretty standard love-song fare...but very well written and I can certainly respect the songwriting craft. Got through about half of Boards of Canada. Still not entirely sure I 'get' their music, but it is interesting nonetheless. Got in about 3 songs of Helios - this was my one cold purchase - never heard a note of music from this artist but following a long twisty road of amazon recommendations led me here and I'm glad it did.

So, a very successful bulk purchase. And I still have some challenging music to look forward to on my return. Still have a desire to do some more in-depth album and music reviews on this blog in addition to the family updates. We'll see.

Love to all, blessings, prayers. More in a few days.

First Day

All is well on the beach.

It is good for a person to have a place to come back to year after year...a place where you can look back on your previous year, and view yourself in relation to your past. A prof at Xavier once pointed out that our culture is unusual in that it does not have a meaningful 'new year' tradition. Most cultures throughout the world have some kind of ceremony of renewal that takes place once a year and gives some meaning to the passage of time. In America, every new year, the goal is to simply erase your consciousness by drinking to excess. This does not count as a meaningful ceremony.

So perhaps this is mine. A yearly pilgrimage to a retreat where my daily routine is eliminated and I can exist alongside something much much bigger than myself - an ocean so vast it can't be comprehended, and which I am only fit to wade in at the very very edges. And where I can look back and see what all has happened to bring me here.

I don't look back in regret. I look back fondly on proud memories, but I don't let the past hover around me. Life moves forward. My recent experiences were terrible and painful when they were in the present, but as soon as they became the past, their power over me faded. The future is still unknown, but the present is mine again. I offer as my message to you all the following lyrics from Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers. Because, truly...Today Belongs to the Light.


_____________________

We get up early
Before the din and the hurly burly
O, Lord we got a lot of work to do

We stay out late
We know Babylon don't hibernate
O, Lord, we got a lot of work to do

In the arms of a bright and rising day
We see all the zombies crawl away

The motorcade is rattling out of sight
The dark parade will fade into the night

Today belongs to the Light

There was a time
When I ran barefoot through the alleyways and spit at the grand design
O, Lord, I had a lot of work to do
But now, now is the time
We must all lend our hands to the grand design
O, Lord we got a lot of work to do

In the arms of a bright and rising day
We see all the zombies crawl away...
I will stand and be counted

The dark parade will fade into the night
The motorcade is rattling out of sight
Today belongs to the Light

O, Lord, we got a lot of work to do
Stand up for all that is bright and true

11 Years Later

And here we are.

11 years ago, I made a promise before family, friends, and God, to stay true to the love of my life, no matter what. Part of that oath has become a cliche in our culture: "For better or for worse." In our 11 years together, we have been blessed to experience a lot of better. In the last few months we have endured some of the worst.

Steph, my love. Times have been tough, and right now for us, the future is as uncertain as anything we have ever faced together. We have friends who have supported us. We have enemies who would love to see us fail. But in reality, the people who have put us in this position genuinely don't care one way or the other.

But none of that matters. Friends, enemies, or indifferent, nothing and no one has changed the love which we share and which we know will carry us through this and all other obstacles in our path. What we have is bigger than anything life can throw at us.

And recently, as seemingly all other aspects of my life steadily unraveled around me, I still always knew that your loving arms awaited me at the end of that day's road. And I know that even if the next chapters of my life involve food service or food stamps...I know that our love is enobling and will help me walk a potentially humiliating road with dignity.

For despite our financial situation, our love makes us rich, richer than any I know. And in spite of all that has happened...I would not trade the road that God has set out for us for any other road. Because only on this road will I find you, and only on this road will we walk together.

I have loved the first 11 years together. I can't wait to see what happens next. Meet you back here, same time next year. The story is just getting interesting.

Matt

Bittersweet journey

We are about to embark on another trip - which would usually be cause for immense celebration. I live for travel. It's what I go through the whole year of stress for. So hooray! We're going on a trip!

But it's not what it was supposed to be. We are blessed and grateful to be able to visit Steph's family in Jacksonville, and to be able to spend a week at the beach in Hilton Head. But this was originally going to be an extended trip including our first trip to Disney with the kids, and our first stay at a beachfront RV park in Ft. Myers. We had to cancel most of the trip because of the job situation. And as the situation continues to unfold, it becomes more and more likely that there may never be a big trip in the trailer and the RV again. One of the things I love most in the world has been ripped away from me and it's pretty hard to think about.

BUT. We have this week together with our families and we are not going to sit around moping. This is a wonderful week we always get to spend, and as I said, we're blessed to have it. It's more than a lot of people get. So we will make the most of it. The one thing they can't take away from us is our family, and our love of time spent together.

So keep checking in for information about our trip. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Matt

Keeping busy

Lest anyone think I'm going to sit around and eat bonbons all day...

Saturday I mowed and trimmed the lawn and then did the same for the friend of a friend of a friend...picking up a few bucks along the way, continued to work with mom on removing the paint from the front porch posts to be repainted, worked with grandpa on an outdoor house project (me using mortar?) and took a couple loads of stuff over to the church rummage sale.

Sunday I assigned the girls to straighten up the living room and the twins' room, and I tackled the horrors of the storage room. You can now walk all the way back without having to leap over carseats and preschool Spanish visual aids. Still not 'organized' but it is at least visually acceptable. Also worked with Steph on sanding, washing, and priming Hannah's toddler bed (yes, it is long past time they get out of the cribs), and had a wonderful date night with my beautiful wife. Got back from that, made a breakfast casserole for the Memorial Day Brunch at Ma and Pa's, and went to bed.

Today, had some continued success with Robby and potty training in the morning, had a nice brunch, played in the backyard with the kids (although not too long - hot and humid), came home, set the girls to clean the basement, Steph put the first coat on the bed, managed to knock the desktop CPU tower over which hosed the hard drive, dad came over, we took it apart, scratched our heads, put it back together and then somehow it worked again...played with the kids, took them for a walk (or a bike and a scoot more accurately) changed the sheets on the beds (a real challenge in the girls' room with the bunk beds and the small library of books and toys that became buried in there. Then, went through my closet and, since I have kept the weight off for over 2 years now, set aside more than HALF my clothes to donate to the rummage sale.

All while Hannah has been fighting a nasty fever.

And I'm sure I missed something.

So basically, I am channeling my energy into the house and kids and I feel great doing it. Have a lot of plans and things to work on tomorrow, and I'm excited to get to them all.

I am blessed with a wonderful family. I have no right to complain about anything right now.

Matt

The Whirlwind

Hello again all,

As predicted, facebook has killed my blog. But fear not, the day is approaching when I will cease and desist from using the accursed social media and return to expressing myself through this blog.

The job search continues, but with a quiet reserve instead of a frantic desperation. I want more than anything to continue teaching music, but am working through the painful process of accepting the reality that it's probably not going to happen...at least in the near future.

There will be a trip to Hilton Head, but the Disney/Fort Myers part of that vacation has been cancelled, so that the money set aside for that can possibly be used for moving expenses...or to keep us financially afloat in the event that neither Steph or I can land a job.

The kids continue to be a handful, but a wonderful handful. The biggest sadness about all this job business is that I have had my attention dragged away from the light of my life, my family. But now that the door has closed on my previous position, I am ready to devote myself fully to being the family man I have not been able to be for 2 months.

This has been a trying time but in looking back on my performance in this trial by fire, I give myself not a standing ovation but a silent nod of approval. Made some mistakes, but above all, stayed true to myself, my morals and ethics.

Those of you on facebook, that will probably continue to be the primary method of communication...just more secure posting info there until things get settled.

God bless you all!

Matt and family