Abort, retry, fail?

Well, never mind the added family member.

On Sunday we drove to Southern Indiana to pick up a rescue Boston Terrier.  We named him Mango and tried to integrate him with our family.  There were problems however.  He bit Hannah, bit the vet, and snapped at Robby.  Clearly this wasn't working out, so we had to take him back yesterday.

Now, only a 'dog person' can understand how I can say all that and then follow it up with "He was a sweet dog" but the fact is, he was.  He clearly wanted to please everyone.  In the days he was here he spent most of his time sitting loyally by one or another of us, or rolling over to have his belly scratched.  He was quiet as could be when he was crated, and clearly had had some degree of training before.  But he also had some previous issues and was very edgy with sudden movements or people coming up behind him.  There were extenuating circumstances behind each incident (our vet even apologized to US for what happened) but the fact remained, that this dog, sweet as he was, needed a calm, quiet house to work through his issues, and this is the one thing that we simply could not give him.  Hannah and Robby are just too young and excitable and we'd have been constantly worrying about what the dog would do.  We wanted a safe, comfortable family dog that we wouldn't have to worry about.  This was not the match we wanted.

He went back to his foster family who are wonderful, so we feel good about that.  But it was sad.  Faith especially really was very mature around him and very interested.  She'll be a good one to train the dog we eventually end up getting, whenever that is.

So, on to the next set of crises I suppose.

Matt

A few changes around here

Someone complained about the old pic, and about the color scheme, so I made a few alterations.  Probably I'll tinker with the site some more in the next few weeks but this is a good start.

The main pic is from a photo shoot we did in Hilton Head this summer.  "Can of worms" does not do justice to the act of trying to get all our kids to look in the general direction of the camera at the same time, let alone trying to get a few smiles out of them.  "Can of worms strung out on meth" maybe comes close.  So the fact that we got lucky enough to manage a few really good pics is a small miracle.

Might as well post some of the individual pics here too, because they're really good.  I'm a bad father because in the midst of this mess of my life, I haven't taken the time to pay attention to the fact that I have 4 beautiful kids.  (Admittedly part of that comes from the fact that they have not been behaving so beautifully of late...)  So for a moment let's celebrate the fact that somehow Steph and I created some adorable human beings.

Faith.  Like me, smiling on command is an awkward, unnatural process for her which produces mixed results at best.  Since I know her so well, I can tell you about this look.  Notice the eyes.  They're not really looking at the camera.  She's looking back at her siblings behind the camera, because SOMEone is getting to do something that she's not getting to do right now.  Something not fair is happening, and it's taking every ounce of self-control she has to not blurt out the injustice of it all and storm away from the camera.  God bless her, she still managed to put on a decent smile and look cute.  So....she's coming along.  Faith's obsessive concern for fairness and justice may very well lead her to a career as a superheroine.  I love her.

Mari.  Much more able to effect a natural smile.  Clearly that gene comes from Steph, not me, as witnessed by my expression in the main blog pic.  Mari has a very expressive face and I pray for the young men who may fall under its spell ten years from now.  Mari's eyes are right on the camera, because this is far more her element.  At home, she likes to put on plays and fashion shows where the strangeness of her movements is eclipsed only by her priceless sincerity.  She may look like she's doing avant-garde performance art, but in her mind it's graceful and fluid.  And with a face like that, I dare you to tell her otherwise.  I love her.

Robby.  Similar to Mari, I think he may leave a trail of broken hearts in his wake at some point.  If, that is, he can find something to talk about besides Mario.  I suppose it's my duty as a father to teach him some new subject matter that the ladies will find more interesting, but thankfully he's still very disinterested.  Robby also inherited from his father the unfortunate 'smiling when in trouble' gene.  Poor guy, it's not his fault.  I can remember the same thing.  This picture is not the best one of him, but I chose it because of that smirk.  Imagine how frustrating it is to be angry at this guy while he pulls out this look.  But still, I love him.

Oh Hannah.  Hannah, Hannah, Hannah.  She's the oddball in a family of oddballs.  I'd say she follows her own path, but that would imply some kind of direction.  She pretty much just goes.  This is her version of a smile.  We call it "Line Mouth".  Her other version of a smile is a ridiculous display of teeth which cause her eyes to squint shut...and for some reason it is usually accompanied by a 'thumbs up' which blocks the rest of her face.  So...Line Mouth works better for the pictures.  It saddens me to say that as I look into those eyes, I have no idea what they're thinking.  I haven't figured her out yet.  Other than to say she's just weird.  But I look back on the weird kids I remember from school, and most of them I thought were pretty cool.  So I think she'll be all right.  I love her.

And these guys.  Well...yeah.  This is the reason for it all.  This is the reason I get up in the morning.  I'm a lucky man.  I've got what I can only describe as a kick-ass marriage.  We should give seminars and charge lots of money to teach people what's common sense to us.  We're making it through this mess together.  And...we ARE going to make it.  I love her.  I love us.


Meanwhile....


Stay tuned for more big news.  Our family is going to be getting bigger....








(Umm, don't worry, it's not THAT!)

Note to self

Next time I make a drastic career change and decide to go back to grad school, don't wait until all the deadlines have passed to do it.  I have made things complicated by not thinking of this a couple weeks sooner.  Just trading one set of stresses for another - but these stresses are concrete and workable...and distinctly temporary.

Hard to believe that two weeks from now I'll be on my way home from my first class in around 7 years.

Not much to say tonight, exhausted from the warehouse job and have another 10-hour shift tomorrow.  Getting too old for this.  I feel like the "Time to make the donuts" guy but instead of making donuts, I'm filling boxes with construction paper.  Not as tasty...but high fiber, I guess.

Matt

Help me name this dish

I cook.

Pretty much, I'm relatively handy in the kitchen, but I can not claim to be a "composer" of meals in any way. I am an arranger.  I need a recipe.  I don't know enough yet to putter through my kitchen or wander through the produce section and have a dish assemble itself in my mind.  I'm good at recognizing a quality recipe, and I can add touches of my own to what's already there, but I just can't start from scratch.

But I'm improving.  I'm learning things.  I'm finally figuring out which ingredients I need to measure meticulously and which ones I can eyeball.  I'm learning which substitutions are acceptable in a pinch.  And I'm getting solid at the techniques I need to do all the basics.

However, this dish I sort of threw together myself a few months ago and it's become a staple.  Pretty simple.  Loads of veggies, doused liberally with olive oil and dotted with butter, roasted in the oven until they're soft and browned up.  This time I used zucchini, squash, onions, some peppers we roasted earlier in the day, some carrots, and some peas.  Broccoli would work too, or anything you like.  Throw some garlic in there too, hit it with some of Colonel De's Washington State Solar Evaporated Sea Salt, and some Italian seasoning of your choice.

Yum.

Boil up your favorite pasta, and top it with a heaping gop of the veggie mixture and some parm.

Kids love it.  Hannah even asked for some extra veggies without the spaghetti.

So, the question is - what do I call this?  I want something catchy, more exciting than "Veggie Spaghetti".  Any suggestions?  I'll give you a writing credit....

Resolution

I have been on a series of wild mood swings.  Understandable, of course, but it's time to grab that pendulum and pull it to the center.  I'm determined to stop being such a pain to deal with.  I am blessed with a wonderful wife who will support me to the ends of the earth, and she'd never dream of showing her frustration, but I know all this is wearing on her.  It's time to stop letting the things that are out of my control continue to affect the things I can control - being a good husband and father.

I love you, Steph.  I'm taking charge of my moods and giving up the simpering and whimpering.  What the hell good does it do to turn a corner and start down a new road if I'm still looking back?  I've been taking advantage of the fact that you'll always listen to my wallowing. Just because you'd listen to it as long as I need it doesn't mean I should keep expecting it of you.  Please understand that I'm cracking down on my own whining, not because you can't handle it, but because I just can't stand to do this to you any more.  Our old life is gone, but there's a new one ahead, and it's time for me to embrace it and let it start, for the love.

My issues have gotten ridiculous.  You've waited over a year for my life to come together.  I can't make you wait another day.  I want to give you something good to talk about.  The new me starts now.

Matt

The Day After

For those of you looking for "THE" post, it's one below.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  Already coming out of the cloud a bit.  Envisioning possible new futures, which is something I honestly haven't done for a long time.  Getting myself used to the idea of being a student again.  Don't get me wrong, I like taking classes. But...it is a source of a recurring unpleasant dream.

Most people have the 'I'm in my underwear' dream, or the 'I try to run but my feet won't go fast enough' dream.  My version has always been, I'm in college, taking a class, and I suddenly am aware that I've had months and months to work on this paper, it's due tomorrow, and I haven't even done the necessary reading let alone started writing it.  Not enjoyable in the least.  Steph makes fun of me because I start working on papers and projects as soon as I can.  She's always been a procrastinator.  She thinks I'm a dork (which, duh...) but the fact is, I just hate having that thing hanging over me.  I want it done.  I like writing, but the blank page is intimidating.  Especially when it's an assignment. 

But aside from that, I like the idea of going back to class.  And somehow, amazingly, having sat down and crunched the numbers a bit, the finances for this seem to be a lot less grim than I had thought.  Yeah, taking out another student loan is not what we wanted to do, but we have a lot of money put away which we can now put to good use.  Not thrilled about draining the reserves but...that's what they're there for, right?

But what I really wanted to talk about was that this morning, an odd thing happened.  A wonderful thing.  For almost two years now, waking up has been a stressful event for me.  I think I may have even mentioned it in a post a ways back.  Sometimes I wake up and realize that my mind is already going 90 mph obsessing about my situation.  I literally have started worrying before I woke up.  But even worse were the times when I would have a brief moment of amnesia - waking up, my mind truly empty and at rest...and then invariably, within 5 seconds, I could feel the weight of the situation clamp down on my peace and drain it from my system.  It's become a routine and I hardly noticed it any more.  But it was like a grey cloud cover on my day.  It's hard to recover from that.

This morning, my mind was already going when I woke up, out of habit.  It was running all the old scenarios and concerns from a week ago.  But then, for the first time in over a year, I remembered what was REALLY happening, and...the weight LIFTED.  I felt better, not worse.  "Oh yeah, I don't have to worry about that anymore."  It was a bit...euphoric. 

So I think if there was any doubt about this being the right thing to do, it's already fading away. 

In a rush this morning, gotta run.  More later perhaps.  God bless.
Matt

Not with a bang...

And so after 13 years of service to music education, I have decided to close the door.  My teaching career is over, cut short by economics, politics, and some bad luck.  It is truly a sad day, but to a degree it's a sadness coupled with relief - perhaps like that damned 107 year old aunt who kept hanging on as if just to prove the doctors wrong.  She's dead, at long last.

I am still processing all I've lost.  In some ways, as long as I was still a teacher, I had a certain amount of innocence about me.  Funny thing to say about a 36 year old with a penchant for faux-macabre. But it's true, I was still a bit of an innocent.  I worked with kids all day and loved it.  Even up to my last interview I still told some principal what was the solid truth - that I loved working with kids and I loved their life and energy, and the surprises around every corner.  I don't know if that will ever be replaced.  

The sad fact is also that I haven't been the same since all this went down over a year ago.  A little spark has gone out of me, a little of the 'fire' that I mentioned in a previous post has indeed burned out.  And the fire imagery is good, because the campfires that had become so symbolic of our love of trailer life have now also gone out once and for all.  The trailer will be sold - to help make ends meet, and since the luxurious days of month-long summer trips are now a thing of the past.

I'm not who I was.  I held on to the old me as long as I could, and as long as I thought there was a way to get back to that me.  But it really all just blew out of me in a single evening last week.  I had ideas.  I had plans for how to survive like this.  But I suddenly couldn't go on another day surrounded by people telling me why things couldn't happen, and trying to push all that was important to me to the margins of their world, all while paying lip service to how important my work was to them.  I couldn't stand being used and ignored all at once.  As I mentioned in another previous post, I was invisible.  When I went to work, the 'real' teachers left.  I was unofficial, I barely counted.  Last year I worked in 3 schools and was only technically employed by one of them.  I belonged nowhere.  And that really started to make me feel small and insignificant.

So sadly, the fact is I've walked away from nothing.  I had nothing.  And when it came down to it, I finally had to face the fact that it had gotten so miserable that the only thing keeping me hanging on was the freedom of lifestyle that I enjoyed.  What a terrible reason to stay.  Give me credit for that at least - I respected my profession enough to walk away from it when I knew I would become a detriment.

But I've walked away from an ellipsis, or perhaps an empty set of parentheses (great Sigur Ros album, by the way) into a big question mark.  A huge question mark made up of thousands of little question marks, all made out of some bizarre new substance that I don't know how to work with.  I've replaced an empty future with one that is strange and foreign to me, one that I don't know anything about surviving in.  And all at a time when I have very few friends left to help me find my way.  I may be making a huge mistake.  But I just couldn't stand sitting in my life's waiting room any more.  Remember "Oh the Places You'll Go?"  I was so stuck in the Waiting Place.  I may be under attack from question marks right now, but at least I can take some control by answering those questions, and shooting down those little question marks, one...by...one   (and you know it's bad if I'm using gun imagery).
So what will I do?  I'm applying to the Professional Writing and Editing program at UC.  People tell me I'm a good writer.  I guess we'll find out.

I am terrified at what lies ahead.  I am sad about what I've lost, about what was stolen.  And my mood is certainly going to fluctuate in the days, weeks, and months ahead.  At my lowest, I'm going to feel, much like I do right now - lost, disconnected, having cut off my past without a clear future, existing in a void of eternal present, with no context in which to view my life.  But I know there will be better times, times when I will be driven to clear a path into that future, to make for myself the best I can with what I've been given, with a heavy dose of sarcasm, but nary a trace of self-pity.

So as Don Henley sang, "This is the end of the innocence" I suppose.  And maybe the old me is truly dead.  But I have hopes that I can create a new me.  And maybe, just maybe...the new me will be an improvement.

As always, I look to the words of songs for solace and inspiration.  I suppose if I were a deadhead I'd say "What a long strange trip it's been..."  But it's more appropriate for me to look to Spock's Beard and Neal Morse, artists who parted ways and have had to tread new paths for themselves after difficult and life-altering events.  I leave you with the entirety of Spock's Beard's "Rearranged" and a short excerpt from Neal Morse's "Crossing Over".

I have never been in this
For all the fortune and fame
All i ever wanted
Was to be in the game
A part of something bigger
Something bigger then me
Inspired by love of the moment
And being what i was born to be

Sometimes a dream gets wasted
Sometimes it all just falls and fades away
And you may feel you've made it
Then in a flash it all gets rearranged

Deaf dumb and stupid
Or am i just plain nice
Live and let live was a mantra i used
More then once or twice
Thought i had it all going on
Thought i was cruising in 5th gear
In a snap it all went out of control

Everything that was so normal now seemed
So confusing and weird
Now the live and let live
That was so safe in my heart
Didn't feel that sincere
Giving all that i had
Doing right i believed
I'll just go cry in my beer
I blinked my eyes and i had a new life
This much is clear

Sometimes a dream gets wasted
Sometimes it all just falls and fades away
And you may feel you've made it
Then in a flash it all gets rearranged

And what were my choices?
Just go it alone?
That's not what the script read
Stay in the zone?
It's just getting started
About to explode
And when you've reached the top
Don't forget where you came from

Sometimes a dream gets wasted
Sometimes it all just falls and fades away
And you may feel you've made it
Then in a flash it all gets rearranged

______________________

And so the journey starts
Communion of our hearts
He led me to a place beside the water
And as our season grew
The time came when I knew
My path led from among my band of brothers

And I can't describe how hard it was
Or how much we loved each other...

But to go on with the summer
On with the tide
To go on I must surrender
The fullness of my life
And I'll love you forever
But I must say goodbye
To go on I must cross over
A voice says deep inside
Carry on
Carry on
Carry on
Carry on 

So starts the new chapter.  I'm sad and scared.  But it's time.  Steph is with me, by my side as I push the "Publish" button.  I guess that word has a new meaning to me now. Let's do this.

Matt

Great things are afoot

I'm not sure where that post title comes from.  I think it's possibly from Slartibartfast, in "Life, the Universe, and Everything" but I'm not positive about it.  Suddenly this kind of literary reference means more to me than it used to.  I'll actually have to check.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have again been lax in my updates.  Hasn't seemed to be much point lately.  That is definitely going to change.  I know I've said it before, but...this time it's different.  A decision has been reached, a corner has been turned.  Sad moments are ahead, but so are new challenges and possibilities.  A few official niceties have to be taken care of, but then the announcement will be forthcoming on the blog here - within the week.

When change comes, it sometimes comes fast.  Stick around, anyone who's left.  Although...now that I think of it, this blog only has one follower...and that person already knows.

I recall with irony the closing of Andromeda's song "Encyclopedia":

"The world is listening now, John Doe,
 Come back and reap what you have sown."

Here goes nothing.

Matt



 

Lyric Therapy

Steph has been harassing me to post, and I'm not entirely sure why. But here goes anyway. It's no exaggeration to say that song lyrics have literally helped me survive some trying times. Not sure what it is, but it's real. My guess is that every variation of every emotion has a certain core which is its essence. And when that essence becomes the genesis of a work of art, that art (if well executed) reflects that essence in a way that other humans are able to somehow recognize it. It's an imperfect reflection, and we are of course limited by our tastes, our experiences and our knowledge. As an example, it could very well be that some example somewhere of gangsta rap actually embodies the same emotion as the first movement of Tchaikovsky's 4th Symphony. However, the essence of the rap manifestation will be lost on me due to my differing life experience, just as Tchaikovsky is lost on someone else who has no history with orchestral music. They are different translations of the same idea, but not everyone speaks the language. It just so happens that I have a predilection for being 'grabbed' by song lyrics - and that often times a single line or series of lines within a song will just suddenly throw the universe into sharp relief for me. And I think it provides an invisible connection to the original writer, which says, "You are not alone - someone else has felt what you are feeling." And that connection is what can move mountains of depression or fight off demons in trying times. But I have a long history of looking to this art form for solace and support in my life. When the writing on the wall became clear 14 months ago, I kept Neal Morse's "Heaven in my Heart" on a pretty much endless loop to and from work for several weeks. And as things seemed to be heading towards a culminating climactic event and our moving from Cincinnati, I had a short playlist of 8 songs which took me to and from my various jobs and kept me looking towards a scary future with courage and grace. All those songs (several from Ed Kowalczyk's album) had in them this idea of a dramatic moment, a shift, a change, a...revolution if you will. A leaving behind. A moving on. These songs got me through the waiting, and as my plane flew across the country to accept what I thought was the future, I basked in them and let them wash over me, knowing that they were written for this moment. Suffice it to say, when my future turned out NOT to be what I had expected, those songs faded away, and I haven't felt any desire to listen to them. Not in a painful way, like some kind of love song associated with a person who is no longer playing that part in your life...but just because songs about big dramatic moments didn't speak to me when I was adjusting to a life without those big dramatic moments. Like gangsta rap, it didn't speak to my experience. I had lost the language. And that's okay, but it left my music listening somewhat lost. Listening to music is for me an active process, most of the time. I am trying to capture a moment, or get inside of a song. My life has turned to a gradual accepting of the present, and there just aren't a lot of really good interesting songs about that state. But recently several songs have made an impact on me, and entered an obsession level in my listening. One I discovered while doing my periodic browse through artists' websites looking for news of tours, upcoming albums, and whatnot. At Tina Dico's website I saw that she is recording a new album and blogging about the process. Now a few words about Tina Dico - I would put her in the extremely highly regarded class of songwriters such as Billy Joel, Sting at his best, Paul Simon, Roger Clyne, and Glen Phillips - those incredibly talented people who are truly able to tell stories within the limited form of a song. All these people can, with an economy of words and time, truly create a small universe in which a song lives and breathes. They create entire histories and personalities which are only hinted at by the lyrics, yet are rich and deep and fully three-dimensional. Think about some of the colorful characters described in Billy Joel's early songs, and tell me that there couldn't be entire novels or movies (and good ones) made about most of them. Tina Dico can do that too. Now, often Tina Dico's subject matter is not anything which directly relates to me, but she also has a knack for wise and simple sage advice contained in a throwaway line leading up to the chorus. (Her song "Give In" made it into heavy rotation on the above mentioned playlist for the very simple line "It's always a guess, which way's the best, Take what you find, it will be good enough...") But, there is a clip posted of one of the new songs on the forthcoming album. This song just completely clobbered me over the head, because even as I was lamenting that no songs spoke to my current situation, this one was a frighteningly accurate portrayal of what has come to be known as the "Tucson Incident". It was eerie. So here, I post for you the first of three songs which are forming the basis of a new playlist, Tina Dico's "On the Other Side"
I had a dream last night
The worst in many years
Had me biting on my pillow
Had me waking up in tears
I was knocking on a door
I’d been knocking all my life
Expecting great things on the other side 
On the other side
Expecting great things on the other side

There was a beam of light
I sensed the time was near
I was getting all excited
Saw my future bright and clear
The lock gave out a roar
And the door slid open wide
I was free to walk out on the other side
On the other side
Finally free to walk out on the other side

That’s when the dream got frightening
I was not at all prepared
For the empty hall that met me
And the truth that lived in there
The castle and the king
And the diamonds in the sky
Were nowhere to be seen on the other side
 On the other side
No, there were no lights on the other side
On the other side
Yeah, the lights were off on the other side

Now, if the dream is right
And if I’m thinking clear
I guess I should be thankful
to have woken up right here
And not half-way up a ladder
into an empty sky
Not looking for a better place to live my life
No, I think I’ll just stay and live it on this side
On this side
I’ll just stay and live my life on this side

 ____

So it began. And then another song which I had liked at a distance previously also bubbled to the top of my listening. Roine Stolt's "Remember" suddenly appeared on my iPod again, and words which had once been true but not loud in my ear suddenly had a whole new poignancy and urgency. Roine Stolt's writing, to my ears, sometimes lacks focus, and this is not always a bad thing. On the whole, the open-endedness of much of The Flower Kings' catalog is what makes it so enduring - you keep coming back thinking you can unearth why the song took such an odd left turn at that particular point (although it is also frustrating at times). Point is - on this song he is focused like a laser and it cuts right to the core of something we all feel at times - and again, for someone whose writing is usually so uplifting and optimistic, it adds an added flavor of just being on the edge of despair but being determined to not let the pace defeat you. Here then, is Roine Stolt's "Remember":
I seem to forget from time to time
There are things to remember in this life
It seems like the days are speeding by
Just won't leave me no time to look back
There was a time when I made plans
Now it's head over heels into tomorrow
I wish I could lean back on the ground
And I wish that the wheels would slow down

Lift me higher
I remember once again
Take me higher
I remember once again

I seem to forget from time to time
How this life will provide without an end
How mysteriously lives can intertwine
To cross the path of an enemy or friend
I don't need all the turbulance and hate
The perpetual ignorance and shame
I just need to revive the precious gifts
All the moments that lift me higher

Lift me higher
I remember once again
Take me higher

It's the name of the game, well I hardly remember my yesterdays
Down on memory lane all things do get blurry, still I embrace it
I get up, I get down and I stumble and fall
And I laugh and I cry and I wonder why
And the world just moves on 'till the day I'm gone
Is this it? - is this it? - is this all?

I remember once again
To remember once again
Lift me higher
To remember once again
Take me higher

 I get up, I get down and I stumble and fall
And I laugh and I cry and I wonder why
And the world just moves on 'till the day I'm gone
Is this it? - is this it? - is this all?

Try to remember the warmth of September
But all that I get is a world that gets colder
We're all getting older
Now that is a fact, that's all I regret
That's life back to back

And lastly, a song which I never would have delved into further, because the vocals are frustratingly buried in the mix, A Northern Chorus' "Remembrance Day". Despite the difficulty in picking out most of the words, this stanza is clearly audible, and sent me to the lyrics sites to discover the rest:

"As this is how we survive,
In accordance to the beauty that we find.
Don't let this fire burn out,
And don't let me forget that I'm alive..."

A Northern Chorus are a tough nut to crack. Many of their lyrics appear to be free verse poetry or even taken from essays which never should have made it into a song - I suppose they're like The Tragically Hip in that regard - maybe it's a Canadian thing. But most of their songs move at such a glacial pace that it's easy to be lulled to sleep (literally and figuratively) and not notice the fact that the lyrics are often equal parts acid and sugar. But this song is different - from their final album, where they finally turned the metronome up into the triple digits. But this song in particular has a drive and urgency unique to the catalog. It's not over-the-top, it's not dramatic...but it is quietly insistent and once it has your attention, it doesn't let go. But that stanza got me. You probably skipped over it, but go read it again. Look at the words. It's haunting. It reminded me of The Flower Kings (Roine Stolt again - see how it all fits together?) song "The Road Back Home" and the simple line "And after all, it's good to be alive..." It also reminded me of Nickel Creek's "Why Should the Fire Die?" It seemed to encapsulate what is sometimes the only solace in a tough time - being alive. So I dove in further. The first stanza, I must admit doesn't do much for me.

"Find a place in line, we're marching straight into the fire,
With our freewill manifesto on our sleeves,"

But then it gets better.

"Would you turn a blind eye to the freedom that surrounds us? Could you radiate the love that burns inside?"

I mean, I'm spending time getting obsessed with what I CAN'T do...but there is a freedom all around me - there's more that I CAN do than I CAN'T do. And this line led me to another favorite - the Levellers' song "The Boatman" and this line:

"Well I wish I could choose the life I please, but I am not a free man.
Others rule my destiny, but my will's never broken.
I hope someday I will be, everything that I dreamed I'd be,
And when I live the life I please, then I will be a free man..."

And I stopped and looked at myself - I made a choice, right? This IS the life I please. Therefore, I'm free. What would I change? Have more money? Have my job back?

(From "The Boatman" again:
"But these things they're so hard for me,
I can not choose my own destiny,
and all the things that I want to see are so unclean...")

And I suddenly realized that I've crossed that threshold where I define myself by my current experience...and this is me. And I wouldn't WANT to have lived any other life, I wouldn't WANT to go back to the way it was. This is me now, and I'm richer for the experience. And there IS a freedom that surrounds me. And it leads back to another song, "Thanksgiving" by Poi Dog Pondering:

"Would our paths cross if every great loss had turned out our gain?
 Would our paths cross if the pain it had caused us was paid in vain?"

And it leads to Glen Phillips' "Duck and "Cover":

"One day I stopped wanting anything at all,
heavens opened up like a waterfall,
no use in worryin' about when it ends,
just for now be thankful for what I get."

And later in the song,

"Won't get what you wanted, but you'll get enough for sure,"
and
"Won't get what you wanted, but what you got will be good."

So now the words are swirling around my head. Back to "Remembrance Day": I think the most powerful part of the song is that after that wonderful, inspiring plea to not "let me forget that I'm alive," the song immediately lapses back into reality with:

"Because I will, as we all do,"

What a beautiful admission of frailty. It's an impossible task to never forget the magic of being alive. And in hearing that, we are all allowed to forgive ourselves for not living up to that standard. All we can do is try. The song continues:

"We spend all our time trying to predict the next revolution, Just to miss the chance that this might be it."

How accurate an assessment of how I've spent the last year. Guessing what monumental change was coming. And yet, here I am, right where I started. I'm missing it! This might be it! The song even appropriately repeats that line - "Yeah, this might be it." And it's a double meaning - this might be "it", as in, the next revolution...or, this might be "it", as in, this might be all there is. And it's a triple meaning - because the fact that this is all there is...might be the next revolution.

"Don’t let me forget that this is not a race that we’re in. I keep getting caught up in predictions of future events."

Saying the same thing even more directly. Worrying about the future. Will I get a job? Will unemployment be extended? What good does it do? Go back to Roine Stolt above: "This life will provide without an end". What follows in "Remembrance Day" is a slowly building litany of all the ways we go wrong and fall short. And it's quietly intense, and beautifully done, especially the chiming out falsetto interjections of "Because I will..." over and over again. Again, the word that comes to mind is 'urgency' - there's an urgency to this song. And as every line goes by, I can see myself and what I have done wrong and what I need to do to change. I don't think anyone could have said this any better:

"Because I will
Get distracted by the lights,
And wake up to the darkest night.
(Because I will)
Forget everything I’ve learned,
Neglect every true concern.
(Because I will)
Keep you at an arms length,
Laugh off every compliment.
(Because I will)
Dismiss all the mystery,
And disregard my history.
(Because I will)
Take back every word I said,
Evacuate my tired head,
 (Because I will)
Misjudge all my distances,
And take the path of least resistance,
(Because I will)
Break my silence just to say
that this is not some kind of race,
I know that you would do the same"


I feel drained by the time this thing is over and the song closes with a quiet restatement of the lines which hooked me in the first place: "As this is how we survive, In accordance to the beauty that we find. Don't let this fire burn out, And don't let me forget that I'm alive..." I could go on forever on this and the connections. It's a beautiful thing, and I think we are here to find beauty. We lose it in the crush of 'things' and 'events' and 'expectations'. But the beauty we find is the only way we can survive, the only way we can keep the fire burning. There is beauty out there, and in here, everywhere. And I'm done putting it aside because I have more important things to do. It's time to live because my life isn't waiting. So I guess there are still some good songs about my life. Praise be. I thank God that my fire has not burned out. And that I still remember that I'm alive.

MS

Existing as a shadow

NOTE: This post is going to sound like more of a 'downer' than it's intended to. I'm trying to be more consistent in updating things here so sometimes I have to just go with what I have the most to write about.

The tough part of my job(s) now is that I officially have no peer colleagues any more. At one of my jobs, I am only there once a week - not really enough time to lay down any kind of lasting, meaningful friendships. At another job, I am only there for a half-hour, in between the school's two sessions, while the other teachers are eating lunch and socializing downstairs. At my third job, I teach after school, so as soon as I arrive, everyone else leaves. I am a wandering nomad who only sees the kids I teach and then quickly moves on to another location.

Anyone who knows me would joke that this is a dream come true for me. And I must admit that when the social opportunities were available, I didn't exactly bask in them. This is a complicated issue. Obviously there are some places where the cliques are so firmly rooted that someone with a limited social aggressiveness such as myself has no hopes of breaking down the walls...and little interest. But...there was a comfort in knowing the few people around a building that I could be myself with, that seemed to 'get it'. So, what it comes down to is that I may care a lot less about having a large cadre of friends than anyone else I know...but being completely friendless within your career is a lonely road to take.

RESTATEMENT: This sounds really self-pitying - not intended. Just sort of ruminating on how things are now - it's a new animal for me, and given recent decisions, one I am going to have to start coming to grips with for the long term.

There is also the joke I made a while back which was something to the effect of "It's hard to be antisocial when there's no one around to brush aside." Maybe there was more truth to that than I admitted.

The flipside of this is that the teaching that I'm doing is some of the purest, most unencumbered work that I've been able to do...ever. There is (as of yet) NO politics. No bureaucracy crawling down my back watching every move. No mountain of meaningless paperwork. It's me, the kids, and music.

So it's an odd situation where the actual work is the best and most fun I've been a part of for years, but it sort of exists in a vacuum. And I haven't quite figured out how to feel about that yet.

In the meantime, Steph is forging close wonderful friendships at work, and while a part of me is definitely envious of that, I am 100% thrilled and genuinely happy for her. She seems happier than she has in a long long time.

And lingering in the back of my mind is the guilty knowledge that I used to go around the house with the camcorder and that I never even pick it up any more. Let alone make videos of the family. I feel like one day it will come back to me...but I just am so far out of the habit...Sometimes I think I'll piece together the minimal amount of footage and pics from the last couple years and splice them into a single montage set to Midnight Oil's "Forgotten Years"...yeah. That'd be nice. Someday.

Things are at work in my life, and I've let go of the wheel. As Frank Orrall used to sing about, I'm just letting myself be tossed by the sea right now and as a result, things are starting to happen around me. I have no desire to lift my neck up and look where I'm going, because I aint too good at floating and I'll have a hard time getting my float zen back if I have to start treading water again. So I'm floating.

Yeah, I'd like some 'work friends' to shoot the breeze with or even just nod to in the hall...but what I got is pretty good. I got me a great family, and a lot of love. Priorities, people. I still think at the end of all this, I'm going to end up being the lucky one.

God bless,
Matt