Lyric Therapy

Steph has been harassing me to post, and I'm not entirely sure why. But here goes anyway. It's no exaggeration to say that song lyrics have literally helped me survive some trying times. Not sure what it is, but it's real. My guess is that every variation of every emotion has a certain core which is its essence. And when that essence becomes the genesis of a work of art, that art (if well executed) reflects that essence in a way that other humans are able to somehow recognize it. It's an imperfect reflection, and we are of course limited by our tastes, our experiences and our knowledge. As an example, it could very well be that some example somewhere of gangsta rap actually embodies the same emotion as the first movement of Tchaikovsky's 4th Symphony. However, the essence of the rap manifestation will be lost on me due to my differing life experience, just as Tchaikovsky is lost on someone else who has no history with orchestral music. They are different translations of the same idea, but not everyone speaks the language. It just so happens that I have a predilection for being 'grabbed' by song lyrics - and that often times a single line or series of lines within a song will just suddenly throw the universe into sharp relief for me. And I think it provides an invisible connection to the original writer, which says, "You are not alone - someone else has felt what you are feeling." And that connection is what can move mountains of depression or fight off demons in trying times. But I have a long history of looking to this art form for solace and support in my life. When the writing on the wall became clear 14 months ago, I kept Neal Morse's "Heaven in my Heart" on a pretty much endless loop to and from work for several weeks. And as things seemed to be heading towards a culminating climactic event and our moving from Cincinnati, I had a short playlist of 8 songs which took me to and from my various jobs and kept me looking towards a scary future with courage and grace. All those songs (several from Ed Kowalczyk's album) had in them this idea of a dramatic moment, a shift, a change, a...revolution if you will. A leaving behind. A moving on. These songs got me through the waiting, and as my plane flew across the country to accept what I thought was the future, I basked in them and let them wash over me, knowing that they were written for this moment. Suffice it to say, when my future turned out NOT to be what I had expected, those songs faded away, and I haven't felt any desire to listen to them. Not in a painful way, like some kind of love song associated with a person who is no longer playing that part in your life...but just because songs about big dramatic moments didn't speak to me when I was adjusting to a life without those big dramatic moments. Like gangsta rap, it didn't speak to my experience. I had lost the language. And that's okay, but it left my music listening somewhat lost. Listening to music is for me an active process, most of the time. I am trying to capture a moment, or get inside of a song. My life has turned to a gradual accepting of the present, and there just aren't a lot of really good interesting songs about that state. But recently several songs have made an impact on me, and entered an obsession level in my listening. One I discovered while doing my periodic browse through artists' websites looking for news of tours, upcoming albums, and whatnot. At Tina Dico's website I saw that she is recording a new album and blogging about the process. Now a few words about Tina Dico - I would put her in the extremely highly regarded class of songwriters such as Billy Joel, Sting at his best, Paul Simon, Roger Clyne, and Glen Phillips - those incredibly talented people who are truly able to tell stories within the limited form of a song. All these people can, with an economy of words and time, truly create a small universe in which a song lives and breathes. They create entire histories and personalities which are only hinted at by the lyrics, yet are rich and deep and fully three-dimensional. Think about some of the colorful characters described in Billy Joel's early songs, and tell me that there couldn't be entire novels or movies (and good ones) made about most of them. Tina Dico can do that too. Now, often Tina Dico's subject matter is not anything which directly relates to me, but she also has a knack for wise and simple sage advice contained in a throwaway line leading up to the chorus. (Her song "Give In" made it into heavy rotation on the above mentioned playlist for the very simple line "It's always a guess, which way's the best, Take what you find, it will be good enough...") But, there is a clip posted of one of the new songs on the forthcoming album. This song just completely clobbered me over the head, because even as I was lamenting that no songs spoke to my current situation, this one was a frighteningly accurate portrayal of what has come to be known as the "Tucson Incident". It was eerie. So here, I post for you the first of three songs which are forming the basis of a new playlist, Tina Dico's "On the Other Side"
I had a dream last night
The worst in many years
Had me biting on my pillow
Had me waking up in tears
I was knocking on a door
I’d been knocking all my life
Expecting great things on the other side 
On the other side
Expecting great things on the other side

There was a beam of light
I sensed the time was near
I was getting all excited
Saw my future bright and clear
The lock gave out a roar
And the door slid open wide
I was free to walk out on the other side
On the other side
Finally free to walk out on the other side

That’s when the dream got frightening
I was not at all prepared
For the empty hall that met me
And the truth that lived in there
The castle and the king
And the diamonds in the sky
Were nowhere to be seen on the other side
 On the other side
No, there were no lights on the other side
On the other side
Yeah, the lights were off on the other side

Now, if the dream is right
And if I’m thinking clear
I guess I should be thankful
to have woken up right here
And not half-way up a ladder
into an empty sky
Not looking for a better place to live my life
No, I think I’ll just stay and live it on this side
On this side
I’ll just stay and live my life on this side

 ____

So it began. And then another song which I had liked at a distance previously also bubbled to the top of my listening. Roine Stolt's "Remember" suddenly appeared on my iPod again, and words which had once been true but not loud in my ear suddenly had a whole new poignancy and urgency. Roine Stolt's writing, to my ears, sometimes lacks focus, and this is not always a bad thing. On the whole, the open-endedness of much of The Flower Kings' catalog is what makes it so enduring - you keep coming back thinking you can unearth why the song took such an odd left turn at that particular point (although it is also frustrating at times). Point is - on this song he is focused like a laser and it cuts right to the core of something we all feel at times - and again, for someone whose writing is usually so uplifting and optimistic, it adds an added flavor of just being on the edge of despair but being determined to not let the pace defeat you. Here then, is Roine Stolt's "Remember":
I seem to forget from time to time
There are things to remember in this life
It seems like the days are speeding by
Just won't leave me no time to look back
There was a time when I made plans
Now it's head over heels into tomorrow
I wish I could lean back on the ground
And I wish that the wheels would slow down

Lift me higher
I remember once again
Take me higher
I remember once again

I seem to forget from time to time
How this life will provide without an end
How mysteriously lives can intertwine
To cross the path of an enemy or friend
I don't need all the turbulance and hate
The perpetual ignorance and shame
I just need to revive the precious gifts
All the moments that lift me higher

Lift me higher
I remember once again
Take me higher

It's the name of the game, well I hardly remember my yesterdays
Down on memory lane all things do get blurry, still I embrace it
I get up, I get down and I stumble and fall
And I laugh and I cry and I wonder why
And the world just moves on 'till the day I'm gone
Is this it? - is this it? - is this all?

I remember once again
To remember once again
Lift me higher
To remember once again
Take me higher

 I get up, I get down and I stumble and fall
And I laugh and I cry and I wonder why
And the world just moves on 'till the day I'm gone
Is this it? - is this it? - is this all?

Try to remember the warmth of September
But all that I get is a world that gets colder
We're all getting older
Now that is a fact, that's all I regret
That's life back to back

And lastly, a song which I never would have delved into further, because the vocals are frustratingly buried in the mix, A Northern Chorus' "Remembrance Day". Despite the difficulty in picking out most of the words, this stanza is clearly audible, and sent me to the lyrics sites to discover the rest:

"As this is how we survive,
In accordance to the beauty that we find.
Don't let this fire burn out,
And don't let me forget that I'm alive..."

A Northern Chorus are a tough nut to crack. Many of their lyrics appear to be free verse poetry or even taken from essays which never should have made it into a song - I suppose they're like The Tragically Hip in that regard - maybe it's a Canadian thing. But most of their songs move at such a glacial pace that it's easy to be lulled to sleep (literally and figuratively) and not notice the fact that the lyrics are often equal parts acid and sugar. But this song is different - from their final album, where they finally turned the metronome up into the triple digits. But this song in particular has a drive and urgency unique to the catalog. It's not over-the-top, it's not dramatic...but it is quietly insistent and once it has your attention, it doesn't let go. But that stanza got me. You probably skipped over it, but go read it again. Look at the words. It's haunting. It reminded me of The Flower Kings (Roine Stolt again - see how it all fits together?) song "The Road Back Home" and the simple line "And after all, it's good to be alive..." It also reminded me of Nickel Creek's "Why Should the Fire Die?" It seemed to encapsulate what is sometimes the only solace in a tough time - being alive. So I dove in further. The first stanza, I must admit doesn't do much for me.

"Find a place in line, we're marching straight into the fire,
With our freewill manifesto on our sleeves,"

But then it gets better.

"Would you turn a blind eye to the freedom that surrounds us? Could you radiate the love that burns inside?"

I mean, I'm spending time getting obsessed with what I CAN'T do...but there is a freedom all around me - there's more that I CAN do than I CAN'T do. And this line led me to another favorite - the Levellers' song "The Boatman" and this line:

"Well I wish I could choose the life I please, but I am not a free man.
Others rule my destiny, but my will's never broken.
I hope someday I will be, everything that I dreamed I'd be,
And when I live the life I please, then I will be a free man..."

And I stopped and looked at myself - I made a choice, right? This IS the life I please. Therefore, I'm free. What would I change? Have more money? Have my job back?

(From "The Boatman" again:
"But these things they're so hard for me,
I can not choose my own destiny,
and all the things that I want to see are so unclean...")

And I suddenly realized that I've crossed that threshold where I define myself by my current experience...and this is me. And I wouldn't WANT to have lived any other life, I wouldn't WANT to go back to the way it was. This is me now, and I'm richer for the experience. And there IS a freedom that surrounds me. And it leads back to another song, "Thanksgiving" by Poi Dog Pondering:

"Would our paths cross if every great loss had turned out our gain?
 Would our paths cross if the pain it had caused us was paid in vain?"

And it leads to Glen Phillips' "Duck and "Cover":

"One day I stopped wanting anything at all,
heavens opened up like a waterfall,
no use in worryin' about when it ends,
just for now be thankful for what I get."

And later in the song,

"Won't get what you wanted, but you'll get enough for sure,"
and
"Won't get what you wanted, but what you got will be good."

So now the words are swirling around my head. Back to "Remembrance Day": I think the most powerful part of the song is that after that wonderful, inspiring plea to not "let me forget that I'm alive," the song immediately lapses back into reality with:

"Because I will, as we all do,"

What a beautiful admission of frailty. It's an impossible task to never forget the magic of being alive. And in hearing that, we are all allowed to forgive ourselves for not living up to that standard. All we can do is try. The song continues:

"We spend all our time trying to predict the next revolution, Just to miss the chance that this might be it."

How accurate an assessment of how I've spent the last year. Guessing what monumental change was coming. And yet, here I am, right where I started. I'm missing it! This might be it! The song even appropriately repeats that line - "Yeah, this might be it." And it's a double meaning - this might be "it", as in, the next revolution...or, this might be "it", as in, this might be all there is. And it's a triple meaning - because the fact that this is all there is...might be the next revolution.

"Don’t let me forget that this is not a race that we’re in. I keep getting caught up in predictions of future events."

Saying the same thing even more directly. Worrying about the future. Will I get a job? Will unemployment be extended? What good does it do? Go back to Roine Stolt above: "This life will provide without an end". What follows in "Remembrance Day" is a slowly building litany of all the ways we go wrong and fall short. And it's quietly intense, and beautifully done, especially the chiming out falsetto interjections of "Because I will..." over and over again. Again, the word that comes to mind is 'urgency' - there's an urgency to this song. And as every line goes by, I can see myself and what I have done wrong and what I need to do to change. I don't think anyone could have said this any better:

"Because I will
Get distracted by the lights,
And wake up to the darkest night.
(Because I will)
Forget everything I’ve learned,
Neglect every true concern.
(Because I will)
Keep you at an arms length,
Laugh off every compliment.
(Because I will)
Dismiss all the mystery,
And disregard my history.
(Because I will)
Take back every word I said,
Evacuate my tired head,
 (Because I will)
Misjudge all my distances,
And take the path of least resistance,
(Because I will)
Break my silence just to say
that this is not some kind of race,
I know that you would do the same"


I feel drained by the time this thing is over and the song closes with a quiet restatement of the lines which hooked me in the first place: "As this is how we survive, In accordance to the beauty that we find. Don't let this fire burn out, And don't let me forget that I'm alive..." I could go on forever on this and the connections. It's a beautiful thing, and I think we are here to find beauty. We lose it in the crush of 'things' and 'events' and 'expectations'. But the beauty we find is the only way we can survive, the only way we can keep the fire burning. There is beauty out there, and in here, everywhere. And I'm done putting it aside because I have more important things to do. It's time to live because my life isn't waiting. So I guess there are still some good songs about my life. Praise be. I thank God that my fire has not burned out. And that I still remember that I'm alive.

MS

Existing as a shadow

NOTE: This post is going to sound like more of a 'downer' than it's intended to. I'm trying to be more consistent in updating things here so sometimes I have to just go with what I have the most to write about.

The tough part of my job(s) now is that I officially have no peer colleagues any more. At one of my jobs, I am only there once a week - not really enough time to lay down any kind of lasting, meaningful friendships. At another job, I am only there for a half-hour, in between the school's two sessions, while the other teachers are eating lunch and socializing downstairs. At my third job, I teach after school, so as soon as I arrive, everyone else leaves. I am a wandering nomad who only sees the kids I teach and then quickly moves on to another location.

Anyone who knows me would joke that this is a dream come true for me. And I must admit that when the social opportunities were available, I didn't exactly bask in them. This is a complicated issue. Obviously there are some places where the cliques are so firmly rooted that someone with a limited social aggressiveness such as myself has no hopes of breaking down the walls...and little interest. But...there was a comfort in knowing the few people around a building that I could be myself with, that seemed to 'get it'. So, what it comes down to is that I may care a lot less about having a large cadre of friends than anyone else I know...but being completely friendless within your career is a lonely road to take.

RESTATEMENT: This sounds really self-pitying - not intended. Just sort of ruminating on how things are now - it's a new animal for me, and given recent decisions, one I am going to have to start coming to grips with for the long term.

There is also the joke I made a while back which was something to the effect of "It's hard to be antisocial when there's no one around to brush aside." Maybe there was more truth to that than I admitted.

The flipside of this is that the teaching that I'm doing is some of the purest, most unencumbered work that I've been able to do...ever. There is (as of yet) NO politics. No bureaucracy crawling down my back watching every move. No mountain of meaningless paperwork. It's me, the kids, and music.

So it's an odd situation where the actual work is the best and most fun I've been a part of for years, but it sort of exists in a vacuum. And I haven't quite figured out how to feel about that yet.

In the meantime, Steph is forging close wonderful friendships at work, and while a part of me is definitely envious of that, I am 100% thrilled and genuinely happy for her. She seems happier than she has in a long long time.

And lingering in the back of my mind is the guilty knowledge that I used to go around the house with the camcorder and that I never even pick it up any more. Let alone make videos of the family. I feel like one day it will come back to me...but I just am so far out of the habit...Sometimes I think I'll piece together the minimal amount of footage and pics from the last couple years and splice them into a single montage set to Midnight Oil's "Forgotten Years"...yeah. That'd be nice. Someday.

Things are at work in my life, and I've let go of the wheel. As Frank Orrall used to sing about, I'm just letting myself be tossed by the sea right now and as a result, things are starting to happen around me. I have no desire to lift my neck up and look where I'm going, because I aint too good at floating and I'll have a hard time getting my float zen back if I have to start treading water again. So I'm floating.

Yeah, I'd like some 'work friends' to shoot the breeze with or even just nod to in the hall...but what I got is pretty good. I got me a great family, and a lot of love. Priorities, people. I still think at the end of all this, I'm going to end up being the lucky one.

God bless,
Matt

News from the front

Hey all,

A couple people have harassed me to update things so here goes.

We are not moving. Not any time soon anyway. The position I was interviewing for did not work out - complicated situation. But the process of thinking that was it...really thinking that this was the one, accepting it and being ready for the seismic changes...and then losing it......well, that process has brought about its own seismic change around here. And it's a good one.

I have again called off the national job search. And this time for good. Well, for quite a while anyway. You can never predict the future, and in a few years time things may change in a different way. But we are in Cincinnati for the long-term at this point.

And this time, it's a choice. It's not about being held back or not having the freedom to move. It's about realizing that the needs of my family come first, and right now my family needs to be here. And that is okay, I not only accept it but I embrace it with open arms. I embrace that at this point in my life, this town is home. And while this city is never going to be a place that I feel completely at home, it is truly the only home that the rest of the family has ever known. And home means a lot - right now it means more than anything.

And I have not looked back, nor have I looked at the nationwide job posting sites since the last option fell through. Which tells me I feel secure about it and know that I did the right thing. And having let go of that constant looking elsewhere, I can feel myself returning more to the family and being more available for the kids and Steph. The part of me that was out haunting possible futures has come home to make a future in the same place as the present. And it feels good. It feels good to see the kids out playing in the front yard with neighborhood kids, on a street we feel safe letting them play on. It feels good cleaning up the house, but not with an eye on selling it. And it feels good working my part time jobs with the knowledge that they are no longer 'one and done' in my mind.

Part of this acceptance comes from a long day of number crunching, projecting growth in my jobs, and an additional round of budget trimming. And the result of that process was the realization that we can continue to live - frugally, mind you - on what we're doing now, for at least two years and probably more. We won't be exactly setting up a long-term safety net, but then again, nothing we could be doing now would provide us that either. We're in survival mode to an extent, coupled with my own knowledge that there's no point in survival if there's no joy in the moment. So I'm not ready to sell out my career yet...again, I'm not sure that anything else I could enter into would do any better than what we have now. But, there has been a turning point, in that I am ready and willing to look to the future and see a time when we can no longer make the current situation work, the education world has continued to deteriorate, and it's time to move on. And sad as that is, I am able to look that reality in the face and accept it for the first time. I hope to stay in the business...and things can change in a heartbeat, but if my future lies elsewhere, so be it.

But that's a ways off. I'm still here now and ready to pour my energy and effort into the small jobs I have now, and the new ones I will be adding next year. This summer I will be sweating and toiling in an ancient un-air-conditioned warehouse to help put more money away, and I will relish every minute of it.

The truly sad news is that dad has decided that it didn't make financial sense to keep holding on to the motorhome with no major trip on the horizon. We understand his reasoning and support his decision. The trailer continues in the family, and we have high but quiet hopes that there will be another trip in the future - can't say when, but we're not giving up on the open road any time soon. As a result, we will also be taking over the Suburban so mom can downsize her vehicle. Which means the Vibe which has served our family for almost 9 years and 115,000 miles is being traded in. We will miss it dearly - it took us so many places so many times. It has always been a great car and will go down as the icon of the original 2003 trip. I know it would have lasted us quite a while longer - but life goes on. Farewell, old grey lady. Give another family a few more good years.

So, that's all for now. A lot of disappointment but I feel the most stable and 'here' that I have felt for over a year.

Stick around for more adventures.

Matt

Another Hat

"I had a hat and it sunk, reached down,
Yanked it up, slapped it on my head"
-- R.E.M. "These Days"

I have now begun my third part-time job. In addition to teaching music at a small Catholic school across the river, and co-teaching a preschool music enrichment class at a preschool close to home, I am now once again a band director, this time for a brand new band program at another small Catholic school on this side of the river.

So far the kids are all wonderful. Pleasure to work with them and good to have another music responsibility to keep my skills fresh. It was quite a process getting the band started but am glad to finally be in the actual teaching phase.

In general, I feel very much like I'm in a balancing act right now - not so much balancing between the 3 jobs, but rather balancing between hope for a concrete future and acceptance of a likely prolonged present. I'm so ready for this year of limbo to be over, and allowing myself the luxury of hope, without going so far as to actually believe. To again quote R.E.M., "It's furious balancing."

I continue to be blessed with a wonderful family who supports me through this difficult time. And here's hoping that the future holds both a deepening and strengthening of current friendships and the forging of new ones.

There is hope.

Matt

Round 2

Did well enough to earn a second interview. Again, whatever happens from here, I feel good about the experience. Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. New band program officially starts on Monday, so I'll be a bit more busy with work. Next week is shaping up to be my busiest in quite a while. First days of band Monday through Thursday, preschool music on Wednesday, and the usual Friday gig. Here goes nothing!

First one done

Feel like my interview went well on Monday. You never know what a school or district may specifically be looking for, so I always just try to represent myself well. I feel like I did that, so whatever happens from here, I am at peace with.

In the meantime I am dusting off my band skills in the hopes of starting a new program at a local school next week. Got my hands on a few instruments for demo purposes and yes, it's all coming back to me.

Stay tuned for more info as it becomes available.

All aboard

The job search train is departing once again, and I've got a ticket to ride.

It's early, just barely February, but my attempts to land a full-time teaching job have already led to results. I have a screening interview with a school district in Tucson, AZ on Monday - my first interview of the 2012 season. I'm a little rusty on my responses but I will spend some time over the weekend studying up on the standard interview questions so I can represent myself well.

This feels really good. Yes of course it's just a screener, but getting the word on this one provided a ray of hope I haven't felt in a long while. I hope it leads to something, but even if it doesn't, it means I'm still in the game. And being able to daydream about a concrete future for the first time in months feels really good too.

This of course also raises all the old stresses about moving, but things are different this year. There is an urgency to the situation - we have more freedom to leave, and less freedom to wait. And so, big choices may be on the horizon in the near future...and if and when things get that far, we ask for your prayers to help us discern the right direction to go.

All aboard...

Leaving 2011 in the Rearview Mirror

2011 was not the best year our family has dealt with.

But we are not beaten.

From a professional standpoint, I lost everything. From a financial standpoint, I lost everything. From a security standpoint, we lost everything.

But we are not beaten.

I still have the best family in the world. I still have the most special, unique, wonderful, amazing kids in the world. I still have my faith. I still have my hope. I still have my love.

I have been forced to notice that the blog has been incredibly negative of late. It paints an inaccurately negative picture. For the last few months I have been so busy moving from one little task to the next, that I have had little time to sit down, compose thoughts, and type them here. Thus, the few times when I HAVE done so, have invariably been times when I was feeling at my worst. As I said to an old friend lately, even though I have more bad to say than good these days, the truth is I have more good days than bad. So anyone who is looking here for a true barometer of my attitude and mood is looking in the wrong place. Take it with a grain of salt, and assume that the long gaps between posts mean that all is going well.

The time of waiting is drawing to a close, and the time of action will soon be upon me again. I entered the job market for real in March last year, and there was plenty of action to be had at that time. Postings for real, permanent positions will start appearing soon, and I will track them down, anywhere we feel is a good fit. It will feel good to get back in the suit and pound the pavement, actually feeling like I am doing SOMEthing to resolve my future.

So, 2012 is supposed to be the big calamity, right? Sorry, that already happened to me a year early. For the Specter Family, 2012 is a year of new beginnings, new adventures, new possibilities. We are ready. Bring it.

You know you're in trouble when...

...you're counting on Congress in a real and tangible way.

It is not a fun time to sit back and watch our national legislature bicker and squabble about how to pay for the payroll tax break. It is also not fun to sift through news articles to find snippets about the part that really matters to me, the unemployment extension.

So much has been going on, and yet nothing has happened. In Washington, and in my life as well. I have any number of directions I could take this blog post, any of which I could expound upon for hours and hours, and yet I still find it not worth my while to put forth the energy. Everything is a sound bite. Everything is a blanket statement. The problems in our country are complicated beyond comprehension, and yet the arguments get simpler and simpler and more infantile. We've created an economic monster and none of us can control it. Not blue, red, or green. We exist at its whim now, and I can promise you that it makes not a lick of difference who is in charge - it's bigger than anyone or anything on this earth. Seriously. Global economics is now so intertwined and cannibalistic, and yet so ingrained into the fabric of our society - it's the butterfly effect on meth. Something so powerful and so mysterious...and yet somehow we all think that it matters who's in the White House...and that somehow that person can effect a change. This is old thinking from a simpler time. We all badly need a system update but we're working with an old model that the new OS will crash. (I apologize for the wandering metaphors here.)
And maybe we'll all be better off when it all crashes. Maybe we'll all be able to get back some of what we sold to this dreadful machine. Maybe...we'll all be a lot more human.

On a personal level, I am able to live day-to-day in this stasis, in this waiting room, but there are times when the frustration and the desire to KNOW what my future holds becomes...becomes what? How can I explain it? It's not a rage, not a frustration. It's...an acute awareness. My whole life has a hole in it right now. It's a hole of context. I don't know what this year means to me. I don't know what it means to my life. I don't know if this is the first chapter of part 2, if it's an interlude, or if it's even my book any more. Day to day I am fine but something is missing. Luckily, running a family of 6 keeps me busy enough that I don't often have time to think about it, but then, there it is...that gaping hole. And when the awareness is on, I can't stop staring.

I don't think about the past any more. Well, that's not true. I don't think about it nearly as much. Every now and then it rears its ugly head. But every time it does, it bothers me less and it fades more quickly. I still can't think about the future because...there isn't one yet. So I'm left with the present. And...I guess this is the other thing that makes it difficult. I feel very alone in this present. It's so hard to have a present without knowing where it fits in that continuum. I'm just not Zen enough to go with this particular flow.

Keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. God bless.

Matt

Response to Dr. Saunders

My response to your comment is too big to be posted as a comment so I have to include it as a separate post. For those reading this, please check out Dr. Saunders' comments on the "Get Off Joe's Back" post below.

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Ah, Dr. Saunders. I thought you might chime in. Good to hear from you too. Your thoughts on the wider picture are well known and I of course agree with you. College football is the tail wagging the dog, writ large. I guess on that point the question is, why do I still partake in the circus? And I can't answer that other than to say that I enjoy the game itself and am still able to separate the game from the baggage it comes with. Maybe I'm wrong to do so. I also know that you object to the game itself (I do read your blog after all) and understand your concerns about the violence involved and the injuries sustained. Playing football is undoubtedly a risk, but then again, so is walking out your door in the morning. The easy answer is that players take that risk knowingly. I know you would counter that they are pressured into that life and don't always know the risks...but I believe that is changing. Maybe I'm naive but it seems that the NFL is doing what it can to limit the ugly side of football injuries - concussions and the like. Eric LeGrand's story is still the exception - every weekend, how many people across the country take part in college or pro football, and the percentage of them who suffer a debilitating injury is probably a percentage any factory would consider pretty good for its own safety record. Maybe I am wrong there, I don't have those numbers. And the answers to long-term effects are of course, still being discovered. But I have not seen anything yet that tells me the whole sport should be shut down for the safety of its participants.
And I am also the rare person who enjoys football in SPITE OF it's violence. I don't watch to see a big hit or anything like that. I personally enjoy other things about football. I like the idea that a group of people all with disparate and seemingly unrelated skills and tasks, must work together seamlessly as a unit to be successful - a good play is...dare I say it, a symphony of movement? Maybe overstating it but you get the point. I also love that that unit must do all it can, but sometimes, an outsider must be called in, because the work of that machine was not quite enough - I am talking of course about the kicker. And suddenly, the work of the group rests in the hands of a single person who doesn't fit in with the rest. Metaphor for life? I like the chess-game aspect of play calling and I like the artificially constructed, but very real force called momentum, whereby suddenly the powers of the diverse unit become greater or less due to this magical force. And lastly, I like the storylines, the narrative of a 'season' and the meanings that develop around certain games and certain years.
All this keeps me watching and caring, despite the very real problems below the surface. I don't worship at the monster the game created, because I don't see them as the same thing. Take away all the extra junk and I still like the game. I tolerate the rest. Maybe I shouldn't...and maybe some day it will get so bad that I won't be able to enjoy it any more.

But to your original point. Joe, Tressel, Sandusky, thinking the rules don't apply. Let's tackle those one at a time. My thoughts on Tressel are well-documented, and our friend's rebuttal above worth mentioning. As far as Sandusky, he thought the rules didn't apply, but I believe that was because the man has a sickness that makes him do these things. I don't think that football is what made him act on his impulses. Guy could have been a janitor and he still would have felt compelled to do these things. You could argue that the football establishment let it happen, and the investigation will determine that. Right now I am inclined to believe that Joe wasn't sure what to do, told his boss as required by law and then naively thought it either had been taken care of, or that Sandusky would stop, and it would be an isolated incident. I think his mind didn't work in the ways of sexual predators, and he didn't live in a world that told him, the guy will do it again. They always do it again. That's a lapse in judgement, and a big one. But from what I know of the man from watching him for all my life, I don't believe for a minute that he thought "I'm Joe, I can cover this up because I'm the face of Penn State." Every action the guy has taken before (and since this broke) has been consistently in keeping with not wanting everything to be 'about Joe', the university coming first, in life being more important than football.

I know it seems unfair because I keep saying "This is different" but the fact is, I firmly believe that Joe WAS different. And THAT's why this is such big news. Any other schmo who did something like this, I'd agree with you and say that it was trying to be above the law for the sake of the football program. But not Joe.

Now, that said, if the investigation reveals that Joe knew more and continued to let Sandusky be on campus and at team events after learning about additional incidents, then I will without hesitation post on this board renouncing all my defenses of him. But I don't expect that to happen. And now that I think of it, maybe that's why everyone is piling on Joe now, because they know that this is as bad as it's going to get, and the investigation isn't going to come up with any more seedy details that directly relate to him.

I certainly respect your opinion and always enjoy engaging in discussion with you. Framing my thoughts in a conversation with you always keeps me on my toes.

Matt