Song Lyrics on the Final Night

"So where do we begin,
and what else can we say?
When the lines are all drawn,
What should we do today?"

- Fates Warning, "A Pleasant Shade of Gray"

So here we are. Months of preparation leading up to a life-altering event. Nights of tears, of Steph saying "I don't know how I'm going to make it 3 more months..." then "3 more weeks" then "3 more days". We've done everything we could humanly do to set things in order. And tomorrow at this time, our reality will be completely different. Tonight is the last night of a chapter of our lives.

And while I try to be deep and philosophical, total surreal Monty Python absurdity just busted out upstairs. Everyone is supposed to be in bed, but Mari is doing her crazy insane laugh at the top of her lungs, Faith just shouted out "I POOPED!" from the potty, I started cracking up, Steph came running to figure out what all the fuss was, and Faith calmly explained to her that "Daddy is making a joke about my poop and you are freaking out about it."

Now, where was I?

Oh yes...I was going to make some dorky reference to a scene in "The Two Towers" where they're getting ready for the final battle at Helm's Deep, and compare it to our current situation. Thank goodness the mood has been ruined, that would have been totally lame.

But, song lyrics...taken totally out of context:

"Armed with will and determination
And grace, too...
Armed with skill and its frustration,
And grace, too"

- The Tragically Hip, "Grace, Too"

This is how I feel. No one can totally prepare themselves for what's about to happen, but you can enter it with the right attitude. I have will, I have determination. Big challenges have always brought out the best in me. Little things like losing my keys can totally ruin my day, but when I know the big stuff is coming, I have always (with God's help) been able to make that subtle shift inside which turns the idea of a "challenge" into something positive. I often say at times like this...I'm going to be looking back and remembering this time for the rest of my life. It will either be my darkest hour, or something I can be proud of - a time that I defined who I was. What's it gonna be?

I have skill - I've done the baby thing twice now - never twice at once...but craziness which is born out of familiarity is a surmountable obstacle. I have, and will have, frustration. I'm not making it through this thing without losing my cool once or twice or fifty times.

But, I have grace. In both definitions of the word. I have God's grace, without which I could not have made it this far. I also have grace in the sense that I am going to let this thing take me where it will, not fight it, and even if there are times when I want to pull my hair out or run screaming or drive off into the night, that's all part of a bigger picture which I will not lose sight of. I have the sense to know that now, of all times, I am not in control, and I must turn over the keys, the map, and the itinerary to God and trust that he will guide us through this unthinkable wonder:

"I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the obstacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward. Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation."

(okay, that's not a song, that's from "O Brother Where Art Thou" but give me a break, it's a weird night)

Well, it's 9 o clock. I have one more night of uninterrupted sleep. I better get to it.

Thanks for all the support over the last few weeks especially - we really couldn't have done it without the extra help. Expect news and pics sometime tomorrow - remember us in your thoughts and prayers - God bless.

This song by Fernando Ortega has been a real comfort to me in recent weeks. I share it with you now, in closing:

"Take heart, my friend, we'll go together
This uncertain road that lies ahead
Our faithful God has always gone before
And He will lead the way once again

Take heart, my friend, we can walk together
And if our burdens become too great
We can hold up and help one another
In God's love, in God's grace

Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender in the night

If we should falter when trouble surrounds us
When the wind and the waves are wild and high
We will look away to Him who rules the waters;
Who speaks His peace into the angry tide

He is our comfort, our sustainer
He is our help in time of need
When we wander, He is our Shepherd
He who watches over us never sleeps

Take heart my friend, the Lord is with us
As He has been all the days of our lives
Our assurance every morning
Our defender in the night..."

Fernando Ortega - "Take Heart My Friend"

Video Test Post

Well, I tried to upload a video to the blog directly, but it's not working. So, we'll go the YouTube route. Here's a short but funny video of Mari (aka Tookie). Enjoy!!!

The Last Day

Today is the last day. The mood in the house is changing - I don't know about Steph, but the realization of what's about to happen is starting to wash over me. It's harder to think about other things.

I expect we'll both post a little bit more tonight. Remains to be seen whether Steph will be willing to post a 'final night' belly pic...

Matt

King's Island and Kebabs

Dad took the girls to King's Island today...he's a brave soul. Apparently they did a great job, although Mari was a little bummed out because she's still JUST an inch too short to ride a few of the rides. We were sorry that we couldn't make it, but uninterrupted preparation time is something we can't pass up. So, in the course of the day, we managed to clean out and vaccuum both cars, rearrange all the carseats and booster seats for the coming of the twins, finally get all the junk cleaned out of the living room, and still have time for what may be our final dinner out for a long long time with just the 2 of us. Went to the new Mediterranean place at ATC (I think it's actually Turkish), and had some really good stuff. Ordered an appetizer of borek - read about the one from Turkey - but imagine it rolled up like a taquito instead. Oh my yum. And then Steph ordered the best thing I've had since carne adovada in Santa Fe last summer. It was called Iskender Kebab and it was absolutely heavenly. I only got to eat one bite of hers and I can still taste it. Wow wow wow!

ANYWAY...we highly recommend this dish. Put it on the list of things I want to learn to cook, along with Saag Paneer.

Matt

Whatever I Fear...

Full day today - morning baths for the girls, two Kindermusik classes, a little grocery shopping, and U.G.'s birthday party. Probably good to keep ourselves a little busy, because Steph is starting to get a little freaked out by the specifics of the procedure.

She has pointed out the mixed blessing of having so many nurses in the family. On the one hand, it is very nice to have everyone reassuring her that it's a routine procedure and that she'll be fine, but then she feels silly when she is still nervous about what's going to happen.

My belief (and what I tried to express to her) is that "you'll be fine" and "I'm scared" need not be mutually exclusive. Both can exist within you at the same time. The two states of mind don't cancel each other out, they inform each other, and that's okay.

Of course, big words coming from someone who keeps his eyes closed at the dentist.

Anyway, noticed the other day that the only pic we've got up here is horribly outdated, so wanted to post a more recent pic - this one is from around Easter. This is possibly the last pic we'll ever get of "Faithy Face" and "Tookie Face" together. The end of an era. Hopefully there will be a lot more pics up soon.

So, enjoy,
Matt

Hey W, where's my stimulus money?!!

Nurses

Yeah, so I'm supposed to blog after posts like that? Dude. I can't remember my parents' phone number right now (there is medical evidence that a pregnant woman's brain shrinks a little bit) but I'm supposed to write blogs that compare to my husband's? Whatevs (as my bff BMS would say).

So, the nurse from L&D at Mercy Anderson called yesterday to explain everything that is going to happen before, during and after the c-section. Although I truly appreciate the intention to help me feel more in control, honestly all the info she gave me made me feel totally OUT of control. I think ignorance would've been bliss in this situation. Oh well. My mantra has changed from "This too shall pass" to "Don't sweat the small stuff". Small stuff meaning: iv's, catheters, spinal taps (all I can think about is that weird movie Matt made me watch very early on in our dating days in high school), blood work. Stuff like that. Minor stuff, right? Right.

I'm sitting in bed right now, with the windows open listening to my wonderful mom help my 4 year old play basketball in the backyard. I continue to be amazed at how our parents have changed from parents to grandparents. I mean, MY mom helping Faith play basketball? I didn't even know what basketball was, and I'm being completely serious, until probably mid elementary school. Funny that, now that my family and I are such big XU bball fans. ANYway. I love to watch our parents being grandparents! They really just totally rock at it and our girls LOVE LOVE LOVE being with Grandma & Dawg and Grandma & Zayde.

Matt's last day at work is today (see below) and I am so so happy for that. A shout out to Batavia Local Schools for being so great about letting Matt have off to take care of me and the girls and eventually, the twins.

Ok. I really don't have much more to say right now. Later. Steph

More thoughts

Today, I woke up and turned off the alarm and drove to work for the last time as a father of 2. Today is my last day of work. Tomorrow begins what has been variously called my "paternity leave", my "sabbatical", my "tour of insanity" and my "slippery slope of sleeplessness". (Okay, nobody called it that last one - just seeing if I can extemporize with alliteration. Not bad, huh?)

I was going to post this thought Tuesday night or Wednesday morning, but might as well do it now...who knows if I'll have time then? It's funny that it has happened this way, it really changes how you perceive the event. When we really thought that things would be happening unexpectedly, all of a sudden, without warning, our focus was on making sure we had all the stuff we'd need for the hospital, who'd watch the girls, all the logistical stuff. Now we've had time to put that all in place, and instead we're faced with a series of 'last times' that we're going to do things before the twins come. Which is always the way things sink in with me. Don't know if I can explain this, but...the night before my wedding, people kept asking me if it felt weird that I was getting married tomorrow...and the answer was no. It didn't feel weird, I'd been planning it forever, there was no doubt or uncertainty about the decision or about my love for Steph. But that night, it DID feel weird to think that it was the last night I'd ever be single. Now what is the fundamental difference in those two points of view? They're basically the same fact with different phrasing. I don't know what the difference is, but I felt the same way about the birth of our first two children, and here I am again, approaching that moment when I will no longer NOT be a father of twins, in a family of 6.

I suppose it could be this: My entire reality, everything that is 'normal' to me, is one day going to be a whiff of nostalgia. I can kind of remember what life was like before Mari. I can barely remember what life was like before Faith. I have no idea what life was like before Steph. The life that I'm living is obviously real to me, and yet it's about to begin a slow fade into obscurity. I feel like I'm being watched by a future me who is shaking his head with a smirk, knowing all that is about to happen to me.

Whatever it is, it's deep stuff. And it makes it even harder than usual to concentrate on putting together a play for 2nd graders. God bless them, they're doing a great job, and I am doing my best to help them prepare, but I have to confess that just this once, I'm not feeling too terribly awful about the lines they haven't learned, and I'm not panicking about getting everyone to the right place on time. Thank God DP is here.

Anyway, should probably go mentally prepare myself for work. One more day.

Matt

The Couch

Matt said I need to post something. I said I didn't know what to say. He said I need to talk about how I feel. Hm. Yeah, I feel uncomfortable. Really, really uncomfortable. I can only sit for about 15 mins in any one position before I start to hurt somewhere. Lying down? Yeah, I can lay in the bed on my left side. It takes 10 mins to stop hurting once I lay down and then I can only lay for 15 mins before I start hurting again. But it does give my tail bone a rest for a few minutes.

However...there is ONE place that in my mind has rays of light shining down on it from Heaven. Really. And that is the couch in the family room of Matt's parents' house. For some reason, that is THE most comfortable couch ever made and I can sit on it and/or sleep on it for hours at a time and not hurt as much. Sigh. We had to spend the night there for 3 nights (see below) and I ended up sleeping on the couch b/c the guest rm. bed wasn't working for me. Sigh. It totally rocked and I actually got a few 4 hr stretches of sleep at night. It was truly amazing.

So anyway, two more days and Matt gets to start being home with us. There are few things that we benefit from as teachers. Having a huge summer vacation and having holidays off are obvious benefits. But accumulating sick days, and getting to roll over those sick days if you move from one public school to another within the same state is one of the big ones. Matt has like 400 sick days and Batavia is being very generous and letting Matt take a bunch for this whole adventure. Man am I grateful for that!

Since I'm on a gratitude kick, I'm also grateful for Matt's parents who have taken over much of the care of the girls for me when Matt can't be here. I feel bad because they are increasing their naps for sure -- a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old are a lot of work! A huge shot of gratitude also goes out to my wonderful mom who continues to cook for us, clean for us AND entertain the girls for us! Heck, my sister freakin' put away and organized the boxes of pantry stuff in the kitchen that we still hadn't gotten around to. We are very lucky!!!

So, the next week or so will be filled with lots of preparations for sure! We'll do our best to keep posting here and there (we have no idea if anyone is even reading this...) if we have anything interesting to say!

Steph

Endgame

Well, the end is finally in sight. If nothing else happens, the pregnancy will end on Wednesday, May 7. A mixed blessing to be sure - glad that there is no more 'indefinite timetable for withdrawal' if you will, but still bummed and burdened by what seems like 8 days on a geologic scale. Steph says she actually had some contractions during the non-stress test, but the nurse, as she put it, "Was not impressed." Great quote.

A.S. and Ma were kind enough to do some major cleaning and straightening up on the house in our absence while the plumbing work was being done (all finished by the way, with only 5-6 holes in the wall and ceiling to speak of) - thanks for that, guys...we would have put the kitchen away eventually, I promise!!!

Meanwhile, work gets harder and harder. My mind is a million places, and none of them are on work. The 2 1/2 days and 1 program I still need to put my effort into this week are like big blank spots in my mind...or a huge "S.E.P." field for you Hitchhiker's Guide fans. I feel blessed, however, that my request to just start my leave this Friday has been approved. So once that curtain drops, I am bolting. It'll give me 5 days to put everything in some semblance of an order. "Bows and arrows against the lightning" indeed. One thing's for sure. I will imbibe on Thursday night.

More later,
Matt